Listen, darling. We’ve all been there: three rosés deep on the fourth date, staring at a man who looks like he was sculpted by the gods and coded by Satan, thinking, “Sure, he seems perfect… but does he think trad-wife TikTok is a personality?” Fast-forward six months and suddenly you’re in couples therapy because he believes “splitting the bill 50/50” includes the dog’s gluten-free kibble, or he’s “not sure” about kids but has already named his future son Elon.
No, thank you. We are not doing that in 2025. We are asking the scary, sexy, slightly unhinged questions while we still have the upper hand and the receipt for those La Perla panties he’s definitely not ready to deserve.
So pour yourself a martini (dirty, like the answers you’re about to get), kick off your heels, and let’s play 47 Rounds of Emotional Russian Roulette. I promise it’s more fun than finding out on your honeymoon that he thinks “therapy is for weak people” and “Andrew Tate has some points.”
- What are your actual religious or spiritual views, or do you just say “I’m spiritual” when you want to sound deep but still eat bacon?
- If I start manifesting a corner office and a Birkin, are you going to call it “delusional” or buy the vision board?
- How do you feel about therapy: mandatory, optional, or only for people who can’t “vibe-check” their trauma?
- When we fight, are you a “let’s talk it out at 2 a.m.” person or a “I’m going to play Call of Duty until you apologize” person?
- If I’m furious, how do I tell you without you spiraling into a victim monologue? Be specific.
- Are you going to weaponize “I’m processing” every time I bring up something valid?
- Exes: delete, block, or “we’re just friends, she’s like my sister, bro”?
- Girl’s trips: green light, guilt trip, or full interrogation?
- If I make double your salary, will your ego need its own zip code?
- Separate bank accounts, joint, or “I’ll Venmo request you for half the Uber”?
- If we win the lottery tomorrow, are we buying a house in Lisbon or are you blowing it on a Cybertruck and NFT apes?
- If I get laid off and spend three months doom-scrolling in cashmere sweats, are you supportive or silently judging my screen time?
- If you get disabled and can’t work, do I become your full-time caregiver or do we hire help and keep our sex life alive?
- Kids: yes, no, maybe, or “let’s just get a dog and see”?
- How many kids is “too many” before we’re officially reality-TV candidates?
- Discipline style: gentle parenting, “because I said so,” or “my dad used a belt and I turned out great” (narrator: he did not)”?
- Are we allowed to argue in front of the kids or do we save it for the Notes app?
- Public school, private, homeschool, or “whatever the hot mums on TikTok are doing”?
- Who’s quitting their job if we have kids: you, me, or both of us while we cry into oat-milk lattes?
- If our future teenager comes out as non-binary, are you learning the pronouns or dead-naming them at Thanksgiving?
- If I come home with filler and new tits, are you thrilled, threatened, or pretending you “don’t notice” while staring directly at them?
- How do you feel about porn: normal, shameful, or “I only watch ethical artisanal stuff, babe”?
- Threesomes: hard no, soft maybe, or already has the girl picked out?
- If I gain 30 lbs, are you still attracted to me or do you start following fitness influencers “for the memes”?
- Same question but roles reversed, be honest.
- How much time on your phone is too much? (Trick question; there is no upper limit, just better hiding skills.)
- Are we getting a prenup or are we “too in love” for that (famous last words)?
- If I cheat, is it over or are we doing ayahuasca in Costa Rica to “heal”?
- If you cheat, same question, but I’m keeping the dog and the Dyson Airwrap.
- What’s your stance on Ozempic: medical miracle or moral failing?
- Are you voting in every election or just the ones that trend on Twitter?
- If your mom hates me, whose side are you on? (Choose carefully.)
- How much do you love your mother? Scale of “healthy attachment” to “Oedipus called, he wants his complex back.”
- Are we doing 50/50 chores or are we doing “I birthed the children, you birthed the dishes”?
- If we break up after living together, who keeps the Le Creuset and the Spotify account?
- Are you a “I want to retire at 45” guy or a “hustle till we die” guy?
- Where do you see yourself in 5 years: with me, without me, or still “figuring it out”?
- Do you believe in marriage, situationships, or “let’s just see where it goes” (translation: nowhere)?
- Open relationship, monogamous, or “monogamish but only if she’s hot”?
- Are you going to resent me if my career takes off and yours stalls?
- Are you going to resent me if I want to be a stay-at-home girlfriend who lunches?
- How much debt are you hiding? I need the number, the interest rate, and the shame level.
- Are you a “I’ll pay for dinner” guy or a “let’s split the truffle fries” guy?
- If I go viral on TikTok tomorrow, are you my hype man or quietly seething in the comments?
- Are we getting a joint ring light or keeping separate lighting setups for our individual brands?
- When we’re 80, are we traveling the world or rotting in recliners arguing about the thermostat?
- And finally: If I ask you these questions and you say “you’re too much,” are you going to be shocked when I leave with the dog, the ring light, and zero explanation?
Ask them all. Ask them drunk. Ask them sober. Ask them in the Uber home from brunch. Because the only thing worse than being single in 2025 is being married to someone who thinks “emotional labor” is a buzzword and “therapy” is for quitters.
You deserve answers, babe. And if he can’t handle the questions, he definitely can’t handle you. Next round’s on me.
