Am I losing my mind? I mean, seriously, what’s the line between stress and actually going crazy? Maybe it’s all in my head. Yeah, stress. That has to be it. Okay, Amanda, calm down. Just breathe.
There it is again.
For the love of God, why won’t it just stop?
The voice. It’s calling my name. I know, I know, how can something so simple be this terrifying? But it’s beyond weird. I can be working, reading, whatever, and suddenly I hear, clear as day, “Amanda.” I turn around and there’s no one there. I’m home alone—my roommates are still at work. I came home early because of this stupid voice.
It’s been going on for almost three months, ever since I graduated. It started once or twice a week, but now it’s several times a day. Out of nowhere, “Amanda.”
It’s a guy’s voice. That much I know. So, I’m hallucinating a man talking to me. Maybe I’m desperate? I can’t help but smile writing that. No, I’m not desperate. If I were, I would have gone out with Shane last week, but I won’t date him. I’ve heard too much about his “fast hands.” Rob, on the other hand, is a possibility, but he hasn’t even noticed I exist.
Okay, I’m calmer now. I think I can actually sleep. I’ll just turn out the light, and the strange voices will finally leave me alone.
It’s 4 a.m., and I just woke up from the strangest dream. My sheets are soaked with sweat, and my hands are shaking so hard I can barely write this. I’ve never had a dream like that. I wish they weren’t so hazy. If I could just remember it clearly, maybe I’d understand.
I was… where was I? A park, I think. Reading under a tree. Someone was talking to me, or maybe to someone else? Then the scene changed. I was swimming in a secluded spot, and a man was there. I can’t remember what he looks like! But God, I can remember how he felt. We were swimming nude, and he held me against him as the water slicked our bodies. He kissed me so deeply my knees felt weak. I’ve only ever dreamed of a kiss like that. He held me for a long time, just kissing me and caressing my body. I remember him saying something about my breasts shriveling up like prunes if we stayed in the water much longer, then he laughed as he picked me up and carried me out.
He dried me off slowly, so sensuously, with a towel on the beach. He followed the path of the towel with his tongue. I just lay there, basking in the pure pleasure of his touch.
Then suddenly, I felt cold. When I opened my eyes, I was here, in my bed, awake. And I couldn’t remember his face. Nothing but his eyes—infinitely caring as he gazed down at me.
I would give anything to experience that kind of love. To have a chance at such pleasure and contentment.
I can barely keep my eyes open, and my hand is wavering as I write.
I wish I could remember his name…
***
Holiday weekend’s over. Back to work. I’m actually still here. Shane’s been bugging me all day—Suzanne apparently blew him off, so now he thinks he can make up for it with me. Hard no. I wish he’d get it through his head I’m not interested. Besides, I’m not someone’s second choice. He’s not even my type.
Rob, though, I’m worried about. He came in with dark circles under his eyes. He said he was fine, just a cold, but he’s been so listless. He barely cracked a smile when the boss told him what a great job he did on his last project. He just nodded and went back to work. I’m genuinely worried about the guy.
From my cubicle, I can just see his. He’s sitting there now, staring at a spot past his monitor. He looks like he’s got something heavy on his mind.
Okay, Amanda, get it together. I’m going to get the courage to go ask him if he wants to grab lunch. He looks like he could use a distraction. Come on, girl, let’s go.
He went! He actually went to lunch with me!
Okay, so it was just the cafeteria, but still! And we talked, and talked, and talked. I was so amazed by everything we had in common. Did you know he’s super into the occult and ESP and stuff? Of course you didn’t. Stupid question. But he is. And he really believes in it. He told me about this hypnotist he saw on stage and how it all actually worked. I was pretty amazed, but I’m still not sure I can believe it. I mean, people talking with their minds and moving things around? It sounds so far-fetched. Fun to read about, but not something I’d ever expect to do.
But the best part? He asked me to see a movie tonight. Obviously, I said “sure”! I don’t even care what we see, I’m just so excited. What should I wear? My mini skirt? The spandex pants? Or maybe just jeans, so he doesn’t realize how badly I want to impress him?
***
Total flop. Not even a kiss. The date was great, we got along so well, but I’m not even sure he realized I was a girl.
I think we’re going to be great friends, but can I really deal with being friends with a man I can’t stop thinking about? I guess if that’s all he wants, I’m stuck. I’m not happy about it, but that’s just how it is.
If only he weren’t so damn good looking, this wouldn’t be so tough.
***
Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!
I hadn’t heard that stupid voice in almost a month until today! And it happened at lunch with Rob, too. Oh, DAMNIT!
Sorry about the profanity. But there I was, sitting at lunch, chatting with Rob, when I heard “Amanda” right over my right shoulder. I automatically turned to see who was there. Then I heard it over my left shoulder, and I spun the other way. Nobody. By this time, I’d figured it was my crazy little mind again and tried to ignore it.
Rob was staring at me strangely.
“What’s wrong, ‘manda?” He reached over, cupped my chin, and turned my face to him. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I shook my head, not wanting to admit I was losing it.
He stood up and came around to my side of the table. His two strong hands lifted me up, and he led me out of the room, past the people eating and into the gardens.
Rob sat me on a bench and got very serious. “Okay, ‘manda, start talking. What spooked you?”
I couldn’t stop myself. Everything came tumbling out in a jumble of words, and Rob just sat there listening. Everything except the dream. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about that with him.
When I finished, Rob just nodded and asked quietly, “When you hear your name, do you ever get a sense of desperation? Or worry? Do you have any idea why this person might be calling to you?”
I looked up, surprised, and saw a strange light in his eyes. He was fascinated! He didn’t think I was crazy. He thought it was some of his telepathy stuff. I held up a hand. “Whoa, stop right there. This isn’t some supernatural thing, Rob. I’m just overworked. People call me all the time, and I’ve just gotten to the point where I imagine it, okay? No big deal. I just need some rest.”
Rob nodded and stayed silent. I could tell by his expression he still wanted to say more, but I just glared at him, and he didn’t. We sat for a while until I’d calmed down.
As we walked back to the building, he said, “How’d you like to go horseback riding in New York?”
I looked up at him, stunned. He just shrugged. “My parents own a few horses and we have plenty of room at their house. We could drive out and spend the weekend just relaxing.” His eyes were serious as he met my gaze. “It might help you get rid of some of the stress.”
My heart was pounding. A weekend away with Rob. Was pounding? I came straight back here and started writing this after saying yes, and my heart is still pounding. I have to keep reminding myself that we’re only friends, or I’ll read way more into this weekend than he intends. It’s wishful thinking, I know, but I can’t help it. I’ll just think about horses and riding and relaxing in the last few warm days of the year.
***
I had another dream this morning. It’s about 7 a.m. now, and Rob is back in his room getting ready to go riding. I’m sitting here scribbling furiously when I should be getting dressed. But I have to get this down before it slips away.
I was sleeping, and I heard that voice say my name again. I looked around in my dream, and the view slowly became clearer. It was the room I was sleeping in! I couldn’t see the man as he spoke, but I heard his voice whispering to me and felt his hands stroking my body. I was getting hotter by the second as he whispered what he would do to me.
I was just about to reach a climax when I heard a crash, followed by a terrible feeling of pain, and the man was gone. I know he wasn’t really there, but the feeling of his sudden absence, even in my mind, was so painful that I think I screamed.
Another crash, and my door swung open. I don’t even remember waking up. I just remember bursting into tears as Rob held me. I couldn’t say why I was crying, just that I couldn’t stop. I can still feel this intense loss that makes me want to cry, and I don’t understand it. In my dream, I was so warm, wrapped up in love, and cozy. Now I’m shivering here on the edge of my bed, my legs dangling bare under the edge of my t-shirt. It’s too cold. I guess fall really is here.
***
We had a wonderful ride. We rode to the edge of his parents’ property and stopped. We had a picnic lunch and then sat under the trees to relax. I laid out my blanket and curled up while Rob walked around.
The area felt so familiar, and I quickly drifted into a warm, cozy cocoon. Rob came back and knelt beside me, his voice low as he coaxed me to get up and walk with him.
He took my hand, leading me down a path into the woods. I laughed. “Alright, where are we going?” I asked, cheerfully. He just shook his head as we stepped out of the trees and onto an embankment above a small river.
My head reeled with a sense of déjà vu, but I couldn’t place it.
I looked up to see Rob grinning—or maybe leering is a better word. “Wanna skinny-dip?” he asked, a hand already on his fly.
I grinned back, even though I was so nervous inside I could barely stand. “Sure.” I grabbed the bottom of my shirt and pulled it off before I could change my mind. My bra quickly followed, then my pants and underwear. I slipped into the water and turned to see Rob stepping in behind me.
He moved into the water slowly, and I got a good view of his body. He’s not a bodybuilder, but he’s not fat either. He’s on the skinny side, maybe six feet tall, with long arms and legs, a nice summer tan, and light brown hair with blond streaks. And those blue eyes—they could absolutely hypnotize me.
He walked up to me, his eyes locked on mine. When he was close enough to touch, he put his hands on my shoulders and drew me close, bending his head so his lips met mine.
My body slid against his, the water between us making the contact slick and slippery. His mouth moved over mine, his tongue caressing my lips. When he pulled away, his hands caressed my face as I stared at him in surprised wonder.
His thumb traced the lines of my cheek as he spoke. “Amanda,” he whispered softly… and I recognized his voice.
“Rob?” His name slipped out in my surprise, and he just nodded, his eyes thoughtful.
“I’ve been thinking about you since you moved into the cubicle down the hall,” he admitted softly. “Every once in a while you would slip into my thoughts, like I was whispering your name. I’ve even dreamed about you, about bringing you here, about all the things I want to do to you.”
I blushed. “I know,” I said softly. My mind was reeling. It was Rob. It had been Rob saying my name, even when he wasn’t around. It had been Rob haunting my dreams, and they’d been his dreams, not mine! I was confused and a little wary, but somehow I just accepted it all.
My hand reached up to touch his cheek, and I felt a flood of emotion. I felt love, the heat of lust, the rush of blood to his manhood and the spreading of warmth through my breasts and between my legs. The sensations confused me—I knew they couldn’t all be mine. It felt so strange, like I was feeling his feelings. I wondered if he could feel mine.
“Yes, Amanda.”
I looked up in surprise, and he kissed me again. The sensations were intoxicating, as if I felt two of everything.
“We’ll share everything,” he whispered softly. “Every sensation, every thought, every touch. We have something very special here, Amanda. Open your heart and your mind and share with me.”
I still didn’t understand, but his hands were relaxing me as they caressed my body. He reached down and swept me into his arms, carrying me to the beach. There was a towel there; I vaguely remembered him carrying it, but it hadn’t seemed important. He set me on the towel and, with the corners, began drying me off—first with the soft towel, then with his tongue.
My back arched, and I cried out, my fingers tangling in his hair. His tongue circled my hard nipple, and my limbs went limp as his body covered mine. I felt every sensation as his hands roamed my body, coaxing me to arousal. And I felt his arousal too. I could feel him, hard against my thigh as his hips moved slowly against me, and I could feel as if I were him. I could feel how it felt as he gently suckled one nipple while his hand caressed the other. The delight of slipping a finger between my labia, finding my clit and making me even wetter. I had no idea how exciting it was to seduce someone, but now I felt everything he did and knew I had to return the favor.
His finger was inside me, drawing out, then plunging deeper, until I started to moan and move my hips against his hand. The sensations separated, mine so much stronger than his, as he stroked me gently. His lips moved down my body, circling my navel, then kissing my inner thigh. And then they moved up again as his hands parted my slick lips and his tongue slid between them. My fingers clutched his hair, and I pressed my hips against his face, crying out. Wave after wave of pleasure rocked over me, and behind it all, I vaguely felt the tight rein Rob held on himself, trying to prolong his pleasure.
As I relaxed, he moved back up over my body and whispered, “I’ve never had such a hard time not orgasming before. You react so beautifully and so freely, and I felt it all. I almost couldn’t hold back.”
I smiled as my hands slid down his back. His body felt so good over mine, and so did the sensations he felt as my hands roamed his body. He leaned on his elbows, looking down at me, a slight smile on his face. I allowed one hand to slide between us, barely touching his hardness. The sensations my touch brought made both of us gasp, and his eyes darkened as he began kissing me again. I responded eagerly, my emotions rising so quickly even after my own pleasure.
With a tiny corner of my mind, I knew what I wanted to do, and I managed to work my hands between us, palms flat against his chest, and I pushed him up into a sitting position.
“What?” He looked down at me, confused.
I pushed myself up until I sat before him. “I want you to feel me seduce you…” I whispered softly, my voice trailing off as my lips met his. I pushed back again, and he sat back hard, into a semi-reclined position. I kissed him, feeling his emotions rise, my hands tangling in the thick mat of hair on his chest, tickling over the small nipples and feeling them grow hard, then slowly moving down his body until I found his rigid length under my palm. He groaned as I caressed him, my lips still on his. I could feel him getting hotter and whispered wicked things to him, telling him I didn’t want him to hold back.
His hands grasped my shoulders, and he pulled me closer, his tongue diving deep inside my mouth. His hands slipped from my shoulders to caress my back and breasts, and we were awash in mixed sensations, with my hand on his cock and his hands on my breasts.
Finally, he couldn’t take it any longer and pushed me back, my hand still on him, guiding him inside me. The moment of penetration was incredible! I felt filled, and I felt as if I were sliding into a warm, moist, tight cavern. He moved against me, and we felt the double sensation of filling and being filled. My hands clutched at his buttocks, trying to hold him closer. His lips moved against mine, then over my chin and neck.
I don’t know who came first, because one set off the other. I felt him tense against me, and then everything exploded as he came inside me, filling me, and my body tightened around him.
It was a few moments before we untangled our minds, but they were comfortable moments. His hand still stroked my side, and we both felt it. I smiled, recognizing the contentment I felt as the same way I had felt before being awakened from my dream that morning.
“I knocked over my lamp,” Rob said softly.
I looked up at him. “What?”
He laughed at my bewildered expression, then kissed the tip of my nose. “I said, I knocked over my lamp this morning. That’s what woke me up from my dream…”
I blushed.
He smiled. “Don’t tell me you’re embarrassed about sharing my dreams!”
I shook my head, still blushing. “Well, not really. But you have to admit it’s unusual.”
He held my eyes with his as he said seriously, “Unusual, yes. But also special.” His hand slid down my body, then back up to cup my breast. “And now that I’ve found you, and found this link we share, don’t you ever believe that I’ll let you go.”
I smiled at him, a stupid grin on my face, I’m sure. “You won’t get rid of me. Because whenever you think of me, I’ll know. And I’ll be there.”
He bent to kiss me again as his hands did delightful things to my body.
We both sighed.
“Mmm.”
