Trainer: Hey boss, first time?
You: Yeah, never been a big gym rat, so I’ll be checking out a couple spots in the area to see what’s the best fit for me.
Trainer: Well, I can assure you in 10 minutes I’ll have all of your money. Follow me for a tour.
You: Anything you say, large man who could hurt me very badly if he wanted to.
Trainer: We’ve got state-of-the-art machines, an Olympic-sized pool, a full basketball court — Hey Chris, nice set dude! Keep up the intensity — three racquetball courts, a zero gravity climbing gym, full smoothie bar with every flavor on Earth, and classes in everything from spinning and yoga to kick-boxing and give me your money.
You: Wow, so many amenities. This could really change my life for the better.
Trainer: Now I’ll talk to you about your flabby, pathetic excuse for a body because before I build you up I have to break you down.
YouI have never been more aware of how my body looks.
Trainer: Let’s publicly embarrass you now by seeing how few reps you can do on the bench press. Then we’ll build you back up by saying that was actually more impressive than most first-timers.
You: Now I’m dizzy and slightly nauseous.
Trainer: Great. This is the perfect time for our female trainer, Jenna, to stop by and give you a little boost of confidence.
Jenna: Nice work, man. I’m Jenna. I’m a horrible, horrible human being. See you around the gym.
You: I’m intimidated.
Trainer: Now I’m going to act like this isn’t a scripted sales pitch by telling you how I used to be exactly like you, a loser void of upper body mass until someone introduced me to the gym. This gym.
You: There is no polite way to say I know you’re lying to me. You were born with an 8-pack.
Trainer: I’m going to then establish a rapport by showing you how involved — Kathy that beach bod is well on its way — I’ll be in your personal health once you join and give me all of your money.
You: I’m listening.
Trainer: And now I’ll re-establish my dominance over you by placing my skillet-sized hand on your shoulder – buckling your knees as you cower into submission.
You: I’m sold!
Trainer: Since I have you in the palm of my skillet-sized hand, I’ll sell you on our Platinum package to get a marginally higher commission that will boost my already inflated alpha-male ego.
You: More money? Seems expensive, but I’ve already come this far. Where do I sign?
Trainer: Here, here, sign over your soul here, and initial here.
You: That was easy. I already feel better about my life.
Trainer: Great. You’ll never see me again. Thanks for all the money!
3 minutes later — outside Gym
You: Shit.
