I used to think the Bible had nothing to say about modern dating. Then I met a fearful avoidant. Suddenly, scripture started hitting differently.
Because here’s the thing no one tells you when you’re swiping in your forties and fifties: attachment wounds don’t disappear with age. They just get better vocabulary. They start quoting religion. They wear “good guy” disguises. They show up as men who want intimacy — deeply — but shut down the moment it feels real.
Which brings us to Romans 7:15–20, possibly the most relatable piece of writing ever produced by a man who definitely didn’t own an iPhone but would’ve stared at it in silence anyway.
“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate… For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”
Tell me that isn’t fearful avoidant behavior before psychology had a name for it. Paul wasn’t talking about dating apps — but he might as well have been.
II. Romans 7:15–20: Paul’s Inner War, Modern Translation
Let’s break this down in plain English, because Paul was having a textbook internal conflict.
Romans 7:15–20 isn’t about sin the way church people like to frame it. It’s about internal contradiction.
Paul is saying:
- I want closeness.
- I fear what closeness does to me.
- So I pull away from the very thing I desire.
- And then I punish myself for desiring it at all.
Sound familiar?
This is the fearful avoidant loop:
Desire → Intimacy → Fear → Withdrawal → Guilt → Silence → Repeat
Paul didn’t call it attachment trauma. He called it “the war within.” Same thing. Different century.
III. The Southern Methodist Specimen (a Scientific Observation)
Let’s talk about the specimen.
He was raised Methodist in the South. Which means:
- Kindness is not optional — it’s a moral obligation.
- Saying no feels like sin.
- Being “a good man” matters more than being honest.
- And emotional self-sacrifice is framed as righteousness.
In my opinion, Methodist men are often some of the kindest people you’ll ever meet ( I was raised Primitive Baptist).
They are also some of the most emotionally armored.
Why?
Because when kindness becomes identity, being taken advantage of feels like spiritual failure. Over time, walls don’t go up out of cruelty — they go up out of exhaustion.
Add OCD to that mix:
- control becomes safety
- rituals replace vulnerability
- withdrawal becomes regulation
So when intimacy stops being hypothetical and starts being real, the system panics.
Not because he doesn’t care. Because he cares too much.
IV. Sex, Shame, and Why the Body Pulls Back Before the Heart Does
Here’s where people get confused.
Fearful avoidant men often enjoy sex until emotional attachment deepens.
Then something shifts. Penetration slows. Initiation stalls. Control increases. Distance appears. It’s not loss of attraction. It’s loss of emotional safety.
Religious upbringing plays a massive role here — especially Southern Protestant traditions where sex was framed as:
- dangerous
- destabilizing
- something that “leads to chaos”
So when love enters the room, the old wiring screams:
You’re doing something wrong.
Paul literally says this:
“Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.”
Translation: I want this, but wanting it feels bad.
That’s why withdrawal intensifies after intimacy — not before.
V. Not Adam and Eve (Because We’re Tired of Them)
Everyone always drags Adam and Eve into sex discussions, but Romans is far more relevant.
Paul isn’t tempted by fruit. He’s tormented by contradiction.
If we do want biblical parallels:
- Song of Songs affirms erotic desire as sacred
- Samson shows how intimacy scares men who fear losing control
- Jesus withdrew to regulate — not to punish others
There’s a difference between restorative withdrawal and avoidant disappearance.
Fearful avoidants blur that line.
VI. “Why Is He on Social Media But Not Texting Me?”
Ah yes. The question that sends rational adults into investigative journalism mode.
Here’s the truth:
They are withdrawing from the person who matters most. Social media is passive. Low-stakes. Non-demanding. Your texts represent intimacy, expectation, and emotional consequence.
So yes:
- They read your texts.
- In silence.
- Often immediately. They turn ‘Read Receipts’ off for everyone.
And no:
- It is not because they don’t care.
If they didn’t care, they’d block you. Silence is fear, not indifference.
VII. The PSA: Do Not Anxiety Text the Man Quoting Romans in His Head
This is important, so let’s be clear.
When you anxiety text:
- “I guess I’m just a hookup”
- “You don’t want me”
- “I’m done”
They read that as:
I am hurting someone I love.
And that reinforces withdrawal. They don’t see you as a hookup. They see you as serious. Which is exactly why they’re scared.
If you want to survive a fearful avoidant withdrawal:
- Be neutral.
- Be warm.
- Be consistent.
- Say less, not more.
Silence with safety beats pressure every time.
VIII. The Best Advice No One Likes (But Works)
Here it is:
Be their best friend with benefits. Not their therapist. Not their interrogator (Every article I write on here, I tex him ahead of time- as he has become my favorite hobby 🙂 , and he knows ) .
Not their conscience. Friendship feels safe. Benefits keep intimacy alive. Patience lowers defenses. Romance grows when fear isn’t activated.
Yes, it’s unfair. Yes, it’s slow. Yes, it works better than chasing.
IX. Faith, Desire, and the Reframe
Paul didn’t hate desire. He hated not being able to trust himself inside it. And that’s the real work:
- separating desire from danger
- intimacy from loss of control
- love from self-punishment
Sex isn’t dirty ( I was taught that- My Primitive Baptist upbringing in 80s/90s).
Wanting connection isn’t weak. And withdrawal doesn’t make someone evil — it makes them scared.
X. Final Benediction
If Paul — the most devout man in the Bible — admitted he couldn’t do the thing he wanted, maybe it’s time we stop assuming silence means rejection.
Sometimes it means fear.
And sometimes, when he withdraws and you’re alone with your thoughts, the holiest thing you can do is regulate yourself, grab the vibrator, and shout to the Lord:
“I got this.” or “Yes, Yes, Yesssssssss….”
Amen.
