When self-denial before a date becomes a whole conversation
A few days ago, I suggested that women masturbate themselves to the brink of orgasm—and then stop—right before a date. The idea? Leave yourself in a heightened state of arousal so when the evening (inevitably) ends in sex, you're already halfway there.
Naturally, this sparked a question from a reader. Because nothing says "great sex advice column" like men asking, "But what about us?"
So let's talk about it. Can men do the pre-date edge? Should they tell their date about it? And most importantly—would I want to know if a guy did this before meeting me?
Buckle up. This is about to get interesting.
Reader Question from Fig:
"The masturbating-to-the-edge-before-a-date tip sounds great. And mentioning it to your date? Even better. (Way more direct than 'I'm not wearing panties,' which is so overused it's basically a cliché at this point.)
But here's my question: Would this work for men too? I'm worried it might put me on a hair trigger when we finally have sex. I used to masturbate to completion before dates specifically to avoid premature ejaculation. But now I'm wondering if I was missing out on that simmering anticipation you described.
And one last question from a shyer-than-I-sound guy: If a man told you he'd done this before your date, would that work for you the same way it works when a woman tells a man?"
Let's Break This Down
First of all, Fig, I love that you're thinking about this. Most men approach pre-date preparation with all the sexual strategy of a golden retriever—enthusiastic but ultimately just hoping for the best.
So let's address your concerns one by one, shall we?
The short answer: It depends on your individual physiology and recovery time.
The longer answer: Some men have incredible staying power and could absolutely benefit from the heightened arousal of edging before a date. Others would show up already loaded like a hair trigger and disappoint everyone involved approximately 90 seconds into foreplay.
Know thyself. If you historically struggle with staying power, edging before a date is probably not your friend. Stick with your original strategy—masturbate to completion beforehand to take the edge off, then you're good for round two when it counts.
But if you're someone who can go multiple rounds, has solid control, and recovers quickly? Then yes, the pre-date edge could work beautifully. You'd show up simmering with anticipation, hyper-aware of every touch, and ready to channel all that pent-up energy into making her see God.
The key question: Do you know your own body well enough to predict how you'll respond? Because if the answer is "not really," maybe test this theory on a night when the stakes are lower—not a highly anticipated date with someone you're trying to impress.
Now, The Real Question: Should You Tell Her?
This is where it gets deliciously complicated.
Because here's the thing—context is everything.
If you tell me on date two that you edged yourself before meeting me? I'm going to feel one of two ways:
Option A: Flattered and turned on that you're this invested in our sexual chemistry.
Option B: Slightly weirded out that you're oversharing about your masturbation habits when we barely know each other.
Which reaction you get depends entirely on: (1) How you deliver the information, (2) What our dynamic has been like so far, and (3) Whether I've already seen you naked.
Let me explain.
Early in the relationship (dates 1-3): Probably don't lead with this information.
If we've only been together once or twice and you casually mention over appetizers that you masturbated to the edge thinking about me? I'm going to be very aware that we're sitting in a public restaurant and you just made this conversation extremely charged.
That could be hot. Or it could feel like pressure. It really depends on whether we've already established sexual rapport or if you're jumping the gun (pun intended).
A few dates in (when sex is already happening): This is your window.
Once we've already slept together a few times and established that we're sexually compatible, then you can start experimenting with dirty talk, anticipation games, and yes—telling me you edged yourself before seeing me.
At this point, it's not oversharing. It's foreplay.
In an established relationship: Absolutely tell me. In fact, I might demand it.
If we're past the "trying to impress each other" phase and well into the "I've seen you do weird shit and I'm still here" phase? Then yes. Tell me you edged before our dinner with friends. Tell me you've been thinking about fucking me all day. Tell me you're barely holding it together.
Because at that point, it's not about disclosure—it's about building anticipation together. And that, my friend, is when sex gets really good.
How I'd Want to Hear About It
If you're going to tell me you edged before our date, here's how to do it without making it weird:
Don't announce it like a fun fact. "Hey, by the way, I masturbated before coming here!" is not the energy we're going for. That's not sexy—that's just oversharing with no context.
Build it into the moment. Wait until we're already flirting, already touching, already in that headspace where sex is clearly on the table. Then lean in and whisper, "I've been thinking about you all day. I'm barely holding it together right now."
That's hot. That's anticipation. That makes me want to grab you by the collar and drag you home immediately.
Or better yet—ask first. "Next time we go out, what if I edge myself beforehand? Would that turn you on?"
This is the winning move. You're framing it as something you want to do for her pleasure, you're getting consent before involving her in your solo sex life, and you're opening the door for her to say, "Actually, that's incredibly hot. Do it."
And if she's into it? She might even join you in the pre-date denial game. Which means you're both showing up to dinner already halfway to feral.
Now we're talking.
Then you've learned something valuable about her comfort level with sexual communication, and you can adjust accordingly.
Not everyone is into anticipation games. Not everyone wants to know the details of your solo sex life. And that's okay.
If you mention the idea (in a non-creepy, appropriately-timed way) and she seems uncomfortable, just pivot. "No worries, just a thought. Forget I said anything."
Don't make it a big deal. Don't get defensive. Just read the room and move on.
But here's the thing—if you're with someone who's genuinely into you and genuinely interested in exploring sexual dynamics, chances are she's going to be very into this idea. Because anticipation is one of the most underrated aspects of good sex.
The build-up, the simmering tension, the "we both know what's going to happen later" energy? That's the stuff great sex is made of.
So don't be afraid to bring it up. Just be smart about when and how you do it.
The Mutual Denial Game
Here's where this gets really fun: What if you both do it?
Imagine this scenario: You've been seeing each other for a few weeks. Sex is already happening and it's good. You're comfortable enough to talk openly about what turns you on.
One night, in a post-coital haze, you float the idea: "What if next time we go out, we both edge ourselves beforehand? Show up already desperate for each other?"
If she's game? You've just unlocked a whole new level of sexual tension.
Now you're both walking into that restaurant knowing that the other person is barely holding it together. Every touch is charged. Every glance is loaded. Dinner becomes an exercise in restraint.
And when you finally get home? It's explosive.
This is the kind of shit that keeps long-term relationships exciting. It's not about novelty for novelty's sake—it's about deliberately creating anticipation, building sexual tension, and making sex feel like an event rather than a routine.
Highly recommend.
Then you've learned that edging before a date doesn't work for your body, and you don't do it again. Simple as that.
Not every sexual strategy works for every person. Some guys can edge for hours and have incredible control. Others edge once and immediately lose all staying power.
Test it out solo first. Edge yourself in the morning, then see how you feel later that day. Do you have more control or less? Are you hyper-aroused in a good way, or are you just uncomfortably horny and distracted?
If it doesn't work for you, that's fine. Stick with what does work—whether that's masturbating to completion beforehand, doing kegels for better control, or just accepting that round one might be quick and planning for a longer round two.
The goal isn't to force yourself into a sexual strategy that doesn't suit your body. The goal is to figure out what does work for you and use that to create better sexual experiences.
No. It's your body and your solo sex life. You're allowed to do whatever you want with it before showing up to a date.
Edging yourself beforehand isn't "manipulative"—it's just managing your own arousal levels. It's no different than wearing cologne, working out before a date, or putting on your best outfit. You're preparing yourself to show up as your best self.
The question isn't whether you should do it—it's whether you want to tell her about it. And that's entirely up to your comfort level and the dynamic of your relationship.
If you're early in dating and you don't want to bring it up? Fine. Just do it and see how it affects your performance and arousal levels.
If you're further into the relationship and you think she'd find it hot? Tell her. Turn it into shared anticipation.
But there's nothing inherently deceptive about managing your own arousal before a sexual encounter. It's called being thoughtful about the experience you're creating.
My Personal Take
Would I want a guy to tell me he edged before our date? Depends on the timing.
Date one or two? Probably too soon. I don't need that information yet, and honestly, it might feel like you're putting pressure on the evening to end a certain way.
A few dates in, when we're already sleeping together? Absolutely tell me. In fact, text me beforehand. "Can't stop thinking about tonight. I've been edging for an hour. I'm going to devour you the second we get home."
That? That's going to make me wet before I even leave the house. That's anticipation done right.
In a longer-term relationship? I'd demand it. "We're going to dinner with friends tonight, and I want you to edge yourself beforehand. I want you sitting across from me at that table barely able to think straight, knowing what's waiting when we get home."
Because at that point, it's not about disclosure—it's about actively creating sexual tension together. It's about making mundane evenings feel charged. It's about keeping the spark alive by being intentional with desire.
That's the kind of sex life worth having.
Women can absolutely do this—and honestly, it works better for us.
Female arousal doesn't work the same way as male arousal. We don't have the same "hair trigger" concerns. In fact, edging before a date can leave us in a state of heightened sensitivity that lasts for hours.
The trick? Stop right before orgasm. Get yourself to the edge, feel that build-up, and then stop. Put the vibrator down. Step away from the shower head. Get dressed and go on your date.
What happens? You'll be hyper-aware of every touch. Every brush of his hand will send electricity through your body. You'll be wet before appetizers even arrive.
And when you finally get home and have sex? You'll come almost immediately because you've been on the edge all night.
Highly, highly recommend.
In fact, I'd argue this tip works better for women than it does for men, specifically because we don't have to worry about premature ejaculation ruining the experience.
The Bottom Line
Pre-date edging can be an incredible tool for building sexual anticipation—if you know your body well enough to predict how you'll respond, and if you're thoughtful about when and how you communicate it to your partner.
It's not for everyone. Some guys will edge and lose all control. Some women won't be into the idea at all. And that's fine.
But if you're with someone who's sexually adventurous, who enjoys anticipation, and who's willing to experiment with building tension together? This is a game-changer.
The key is communication. Don't just spring it on someone. Ask first. Gauge their interest. Make it a shared experience rather than a solo move you're imposing on the evening.
And if they're into it? You've just unlocked a new level of sexual chemistry that most people never even think to explore.
So go forth. Edge responsibly. And for the love of God, know your own staying power before you try this on a high-stakes date.
Now I want to hear from you: Have you ever edged before a date? Did it work, or did it backfire spectacularly? Would you want your partner to tell you if they did this? Drop your thoughts in the comments—let's discuss this mess.
Part of the Salty Vixen Sex Advice Series
