3 mins read
We all have been there- bad first dates – and the best thing to do when you have the bad date is make a joke about it. Here is a list of 10 things (humor) to say on the first date if it went south….(bad)
- When crossing the street, point at slutty girl standing on opposite corner, proclaim “That bitch! SHE TOOK MY CORNER” and proceed to beat her STD-ridden ass into the gutter where she belongs. Your date will leave because no man wants a girl who can’t keep bitches off her own corner.
- Have friend call cell phone at pre-agreed upon time. Answer “What?? There’s an emergency with Pappy the hamster?! I’LL BE RIGHT THERE!” and run out door crying.
- Clutch left arm, grab heart, gasp uncontrollably, fall out of chair, and shout “HEART… HEART ATTACK!” when concerned date comes to your aid, start giggling and proudly proclaim “LOOKS LIKE MY LOVE FOR YOU IS TOO MUCH FOR MY HEART TO TAKE!!” and date will leave of his own accord over your bad and sick sense of humor
- “Accidentally” run into large guy. Start screaming at him that he should apologize for trampling on your twenty-dollar whore clear plastic shoes. Grab date and demand that he defend your honor. When he doesn’t, start pounding date with your huge purse full of silverware swiped from restaurant. That’ll teach him to respect a lady.
- As soon as he asks how are you, start crying with great heaving sobs and wail “he said he looooooooved meee!” and if he’s one of those Mr. Sensitive types who don’t scare off easily, blow your nose on his sleeve.
- Show up dressed in a wedding gown. Fling yourself at date, happily saying “I could just tell from the moment we spoke that you were The One! Mama and Daddy are waiting in the car to meet you!”
- If date has been making lustful eyes at you throughout the date, roll your eyes, throw him a wrinkled twenty dollar bill, and tell him “Here you go buddy, the blowjob’s on me tonight” and walk out.
- As soon as you see date, look him up and down, groan, and tell him, “I’m sorry, but there’s been some sort of mistake. Our friend must have gotten confused–I’m not a lesbian. I don’t date women.” When date replies that he is not a woman, respond “Sweetie, take the hint. I only date manly men.”
- Be very very quiet all evening. When date asks what’s wrong, take your steak knife and plunge it repeatedly into your palm while screaming “I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CAT STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR FUCKING CAT YOU FREAK I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE”
- Shortly into date, lean over and ask him “Look, I’m just on this date for the sex. I need to know upfront if you’re cool with strap-on’s, because otherwise there’s this hot dyke over by the pool table I want to go home with.”
