THE DAILY ABSURD
Your Trusted Source for News That Never Happened December 6, 2025 • Issue #42069
In a bold experiment that has left the scientific community both baffled and mildly concerned, 34-year-old Derek McNulty spent six straight hours yesterday trying to explain Schrödinger’s cat to his goldfish, Kevin.
Sources close to the bowl report that Kevin grasped the concept of superposition almost instantly, existing both inside the tank and simultaneously halfway across the kitchen floor. However, when the lesson progressed to quantum entanglement, Kevin reportedly locked eyes with McNulty, performed a slow, dramatic reverse moonwalk, and projected the psychic message: “Dude, I’m literally just trying to vibe and wait for flakes. Read the room.”
Marine biologists are calling it “the most passive-aggressive display of intelligence ever recorded in a $3 pet.”
In a scandal rocking the Antarctic fashion world, leaked X-rays confirm that penguins do, in fact, possess knees. For centuries, the flightless birds have concealed their joints beneath sleek tuxedo plumage in what experts are labeling “the longest-running biological prank in history.”
“It’s betrayal on an ice-cold level,” said renowned ornithologist Dr. Linda Featherstone, visibly shaking. “They waddle like that on purpose. They’re mocking us.”
When reached for comment, a spokes-penguin simply slapped a reporter with a fish and slid into the ocean on its belly, cackling.
Toaster Files Emotional-Distress Lawsuit After Owner Calls Bagels “Mid”
A four-slot KitchenPro 3000 has retained counsel and is seeking $12,000 in emotional damages plus “unlimited sourdough therapy.”
Court documents allege that on Tuesday morning, the owner described the toaster’s output as “kinda mid, not gonna lie,” triggering an appliance identity crisis. The toaster reportedly blinked its little red light in Morse code for “I have feelings too” before refusing to pop for 45 minutes.
A GoFundMe titled “Justice for Toastie” has already raised $87 and three coupons for Wonder Bread.
The trial is scheduled for next Thursday. Bring bread; the judge is hangry.
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