I recently read this powerful quote ” Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that really isn’t you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place” written by Paulo Coelho.
That quote reached into my soul and positive tears flooded down after reading that. In life, we go through changes, most of us grow out of it but people like me who never had a voice, never could speak up, being told not to or as translation, I was a victim of horrible bullying, triggers can happen every so often…
The recent trigger was someone who I knew (I haven’t talked to in over 20 years) posted this:
I freaked out because that person, only knew the lie (and for the record, I took the fall for it because I don’t like conflict; I kept the chats, etc.. for my safety) and I am not going to publicly write the truth, the full story. I have moved on from that. But that one thing, triggered a bad PTSD emotional cycle.
What I can say this translation from that person. They were telling me “Fuck You for Salty Vixen, you don’t have a right to use that name” and if that person simply read “About the Founder” they would know Salty Vixen comes from when I was Sexually Assaulted in England 18 June 2004 at Beaufort Polo Club, where I was a non-playing member. I kept the invite and other things, and wrote things down to remind me as that very moment, I had changed. I remember saying I was a Vixen in Salty Situation. That is the birth of the name.
My erotica, is a result of “The Situation” because, well, if you all knew how much that got to me, erotica was therapy for me. For me to heal and I will say this for the lurkers, since The Situation, lied and I kept quiet and will continue to keep quiet, the Situation made me feel like a whore (the things that he asked me to do, I couldn’t say no because I was scared- all goes back from me bullied for years, I also put him on a pedestal because in 6th grade he saved me from a situation, he was always kind to me, funny how life is, he saved me from a situation and he became a situation and yet I still find the good in his heart but the hurt he did, to make me feel like a whore, I will never forgive ) and that wasn’t just a week thing. 2 years worth and my saving grace because of the way I was bullied, I learned to save things. One thing about me is I DO NOT LIE. All I want to be is done and move on! But sadly ,trolls will appear and try to ruin my business. Sad world the internet is.
So again, for the lurkers, Salty Vixen, is my pen name, I feel protected. I feel confidence. Without that, I have nothing. I am a single mother and divorced I created a business out of nothing, a business that I wanted to create a positive place. The erotica I continue because , honestly, I created a business out of it. A safe place to laugh, learn, and have fun.
My latest Podcast Novel,Salted Wound, isn’t about anyone. However, I address my PTSD trigger and throw it into a story and then the kissing scene I wrote makes it hot :)- (that is how people get over things, through a creative outlet) – The story itself is in production, but once it is finished, I promise, you will love it – after all, BDSM is something Salty Vixen loves writing 😉 .
As a special person, who I will always hold dear to my heart told me years ago, “No more sad Rachel. Healing is what is needed” – I haven’t fully healed, emotionally because I couldn’t speak up and use my voice. Now I have, and took the shit happened and turned it positive. I know what it is, emotionally, he was the only person, from my old hometown, who I truly cared about, out of everyone. A good and kind person. So with that said, these are my reflections of today. I am growing as a company- took negative shit and made it positive. Salty Vixen is me, my brand. Nothing negative about it. And the person who sexually assaulted me? I saw him at a polo charity event in 2016, and still see him at events when I go to them. Now I hold my head up high and realize I am the one in control. I can’t let these PTSD emotions live rent free in my head anymore.
