📖 9 mins read

BASEBALL GUIDE TO SEX

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about ‘the bases’ with your friends? “Yeah man, at the dance, so and so went behind the gym and they got to second base!”
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What’s a person to do?
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let’s face it, there are more than four stages in today’s day and age of sex-play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present: the Standardized Guide to the Bases.
First, let’s examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:
FIRST BASE – This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
SECOND BASE – Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
THIRD BASE – Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
HOME RUN – This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado:
Standardized Baseball Guide to Sex

(THE BASICS)

On Deck – Having plans for a date
Strike-Out – Duh!! (No Date)
Walk – Kissing / No Tongues
Single – Tongue kissing
Double – Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels.
Triple – Most of the clothes off, possible genital contact, mutual masturbation.
Home Run – SEX!
Bunt – Masturbation
Foul tip – VD
Three up and three down – impotency.
Inside the park home run – Oral Sex.
Pre-Game Warm-up – Fore-play.
Ground Rule Double – would have sex, but no condom.
Balk – Premature ejaculation.
Error – Condom breaks during sex.
Double Play – Having two partners at the same time.
Loaded Bases – manage a trois.
Ground Out – Moving for first base but partner says…. “Not on a first date.”
Banned for life for gambling – sex without condom.
Score Card – Number of times you orgasm vs. number of times partner orgasms.
Grand Slam – Sex three times in twelve hours.

(FIELD TERMS)
Pine Tar – Synthetic Lubrication
Relief pitcher – Vibrator
Pinch Runner – Tag-team sex with your roommate
Fast ball – Three strokes DONE!
In a pickle – Getting caught cheating on a partner
Getting the signals crossed – Moving in for the home run and ending up with a strike out.
Box Seats – Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch – Unusual positions
Rain Delay – parents/roommate return home unexpectedly.
Stranding the runner – You orgasm, your partner doesn’t.

(LEAGUE TERMS)
Spectator – Peeping Tom
Forfeit – Date stands you up
Out of play – That time of the month
Cleared the bases – Changed the sheets
Bleacher Seats – Roommate’s perspective while you are going at it
Suspended – Partner says they need some time alone
Being Traded – Being dumped for someone else
Free Agent – Recently dumped, currently unattached
Disabled list – Done it so much you can’t stand
Ejected from game – Partner throws you off during rodeo sex

(THE PLAYERS)
Rookie – Virgin
Veteran – Prostitute
Talent Agent – Pimp
Scout – Someone scoping out your partner on a date
Minor Leagues – Under 18
All Stars Game – Doing it with your ex while still going out with your present
Switch Hitter – Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
Hall of Fame – When you ask if “Was it good for you” and they say “YES!!!”

Now that we have the definitions, let’s quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity:
OLD WAY – We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her…
NEW WAY – First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started thinking, it’s Hall of Fame time!
NEW WAY – So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.

Heart Attack

A man comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick’s hiding in your wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
“You bonehead!,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”

Read this hot story:

World of Sex

I’ll take the soup

An elderly widower is about to have his 75th birthday and as a present his grandson decides to hire a call girl for him. The morning of his birthday the drop dead gorgeous blond shows up at the old man’s doorstep and when he answers says, “Hey babe, it’s your birthday and I’m here to give you SUPER SEX.” After a brief pause the man looks up at her and says “Okay, well I’ll have the soup.”

Murphy’s Laws on Sex

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
Virginity can be cured.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The younger the better.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Thou shall not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had. A man, the women he couldn’t.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

10 Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving

“Reach in and grab the gibblets.”
“Whew…that’s one terrific spread!”
“I am in the mood for a little dark meat!”
“Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.”
“Talk about a HUGE breast!”
“And he forces his way into the end zone!”
“She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.”
“It’s cool whip time!”
“If I don’t unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!”
“It must be broken ’cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.

What If Condoms Had Corporate Sponsors?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: ‘Cause hey — you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who’s next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going …
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Microsoft Condoms – Where do you want to go today?
Lays Condoms: Betcha can’t have just one.
Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
Timex: Takes a licking and keep on ticking.
McDonald’s: Over 1 billion served.
Volkswagon: Drivers wanted.
Porsche: There is no substitute
Quaker Oats: Do the right thing.
Life Cereal: He Like’s It! He Like’s It!
Johnson & Johnson: No more tears…
Wheaties Condoms: Condom of Champions