Listen, darling. You’ve been dating this man-shaped chaos goblin for three to six months, which in 2025/2026 dating math is basically a common-law marriage. You’ve seen him hungover, you’ve seen him cry during the final episode of Ted Lasso, and you’ve definitely seen his search history after he fell asleep with his phone unlocked (we do not speak of the Pokémon erotica).
Now the group chat is screaming, “So are you guys official yet?” and your situationship is doing that annoying thing where he calls you “my girl” to the Uber driver but still has Hinge notifications popping up like whack-a-mole. Congratulations. You have arrived at the DTR crossroads.
And before you start humming “Should I Stay or Should I Go,” let’s be very clear: 98% of the time the answer is GO. Sprint. In heels. Through an airport. Like you’re fleeing a wedding in a 2005 rom-com.
But for the 2% of you who still possess delusional optimism (I’m looking at you, Venus-in-Pisces girlies), here is the only checklist you’ll ever need. If he fails even one of these, block him, change your name, and move to Portugal. I’m not being dramatic; I’m being efficient.
1. Is This Man Morally Potty-Trained?
We’re not asking for Mother Teresa in Balenciaga. We’re asking for the absolute floor-level bar of “does not actively suck as a human.”
Quick Litmus Tests:
Does he tip 20% without doing mental math like he’s solving world hunger?
Does he return the shopping cart or does he release it into the parking lot like it’s a sea turtle returning to the ocean?
When a woman on the street is getting harassed, does he pretend to be on an important phone call or does he actually step in?
Has he ever said “I’m a feminist” and then asked you to Venmo request him for Plan B?
Does he lie about stupid shit? (“Babe, I definitely watched The Bear, I just forgot everything about it because I was so high on your presence.” Sir, you were scrolling Reddit the entire time.)
If he fails the shopping-cart test, he will also fail you when your grandma dies and he says “thoughts and prayers” with the emoji. End it. Morality is not a “grower.”
2. Are Your Life Plans Compatible?
Repeat after me: “I will not negotiate my future with a man who thinks ‘five-year plan’ is deciding which festival to get chlamydia at.”
Have the boring conversations now, while you still have the emotional bandwidth, instead of three years in when you’re holding a positive pregnancy test and he goes, “Wait, you were serious about kids?”
Non-negotiables to hash out before you merge your Spotify accounts:
Kids: Yes, no, only if they come out house-trained and fluent in sarcasm.
Marriage: Do you want it, does he think it’s a pyramid scheme invented by Big Hallmark?
Location: Brooklyn vs. “I’m gonna live in my van and trade Bitcoin for ayahuasca in Peru.”
Monogamy: Are we exclusive or is he running a soft-launch harem on Instagram?
Finances: Does he have a savings account or does he spend his paycheck on limited-edition sneakers and OnlyFans subscriptions to girls who call him “big bro”?
Career: Are you dating a future CEO or a future sound-cloud rapper with 87 monthly listeners named Lil Trauma?
If your visions for the future look like they were directed by two different Christopher Nolans, abort mission. Love does not conquer a man who says “doesn’t believe in labels” but will label his ex “crazy” in the same breath.
3. Addictions: The Romantic Word for “This Will Ruin Your Credit Score and Your Vagina”
We all love a project, until the project starts stealing your AirPods to pawn for blackjack money. Addictions aren’t just needles in the arm at 10 a.m. (though, again, hard pass). We’re talking the sneaky ones that look cute on a Hinge profile until they’re screaming at a waiter over avocado toast.
Red-Flag Bingo:
Porn addiction that has him comparing your perfectly normal body to a 19-year-old who films in 4K with ring lights surgically attached to her nipples.
Gambling addiction that turns “Let’s split appetizers” into “I just put our vacation fund on red.”
Gym addiction where he takes mirror selfies mid-set and cries if he misses leg day (bro, your personality is an incline treadmill on 12 speed).
Work addiction where he answers Slack pings at 3 a.m. but takes four business days to reply to “You up?”
Video-game addiction that has him calling you “bro” during sex.
Alcoholism that he calls “craft beer culture.”
Nicotine addiction where he vapes mango ice in bed and the sheets smell like a Bath & Body Works exploded in a strip club.
If any of these are present, do not pass Go, do not move in together, do not become his emotional support human. Walk away and let him date his addiction in peace. Give it a full calendar year of actual recovery (therapy, meetings, the works) before you even think about a reconciliation booty call. And even then? Still no.
4. Can This Man Communicate?
If every minor disagreement turns into a three-day silent treatment followed by a “You good?” text at 2 a.m., congratulations, you’re dating a smoke detector with abs. Healthy adults use their words. Unhealthy adults use read receipts as a weapon.
Ask yourself:
When you bring up something that bothers you, does he listen or does he DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)?
Does he say “We need to talk” and then ghost for six hours?
Has he ever said “I’m not good at this stuff” as if emotional maturity is a talent like juggling?
If conflict with him feels like negotiating with a terrorist who also happens to be hot, leave. Therapy is cheaper than a lifetime supply of Xanax and vibrators.
5. Is the Sex Worth the Trauma?
Be honest. If the dick was mid, we wouldn’t even be here having this conversation. But let’s be real: there’s a statute of limitations on how long “fire sex” can excuse “fire alarm personality.”
Rate on a scale of 1 to “I’ve considered faking my own death”:
Does he know where the clit is or is he still treating it like a hidden Easter egg?
Does he rush foreplay like he’s trying to catch a flight?
Has he ever asked you to moan louder so the neighbors know his name?
Does he jackhammer like he’s trying to drill for oil in your cervix?
Post-nut clarity: does he roll over and open TikTok or does he at least offer a towel like a gentleman?
If the sex is the only reason you’re still answering his 1 a.m. “wyd” texts, just buy a better vibrator and keep your sanity. Hitachi doesn’t ghost you after it makes you come.
6. The Friends & Family Vibe Check
If his friends call women “females” and say “alpha” unironically, run.
If his mom still does his laundry at 34, run faster.
If his exes all have restraining orders, maybe Google is trying to tell you something.
Your friends have been drunk-texting you “He’s trash” for weeks but you’ve been ignoring them because the way you ignore the terms-and-conditions pop-up. Listen to them. They’re sober enough to see the red flags; you’re not.
The Final Verdict
Look, nobody’s perfect. We’ve all dated human dumpster fires because the dick was immaculate and the banter was elite. But there comes a moment (usually around month four, right after he uses your expensive skincare as lube) where you have to decide: Is this man adding to my life or is he just a sexy little tax on my peace?
If you read this entire list and felt a single pang of “…shit,” congratulations. You already know the answer.
Block him. Delete the thread. Throw his hoodie in the trash (or keep it, it’s cozy). Go to Portugal. Drink wine with men who say “obrigado” and have emotional availability. Or stay and become a cautionary tale in the group chat. Your choice.
But whatever you do, stop asking “Should we take it to the next level?” The next level is just the same bullshit with a shared Netflix password and higher stakes. You deserve someone whose red flags are at least designer.
Now go be ruthless, queen. The streets are calling and they brought tequila.
