It's getting hot in here.. maybe it is because pound town has been a fantasy for a bit and talking about peckers is hot as F**K- (you all know I write Erotica for a living, right?) Here are 9 very fine celebrities who have large peckers that will make your fantasy too hot to handle...
1. Liam Neeson's Pecker Was So Immense It Looked Like a Water Bottle
"He unzipped his pants and an Evian bottle fell out. It was insane!" - Janice Dickinson, witness to Liam Neeson's kingly shaft
That's a quote from a lady whose last name is Dickinson, so you KNOW she's pretty much THE authority on massive panguses. Anyways, apparently Mr. Taken has a hidden weapon bigger than most guns - a seriously titanic weiner.
2. James Woods' Penis Defies Biology
Hey, pretty appropriate last name there, James, since apparently YOUR wood is SOLID. Mainly, big, though. Like, "long live the new flesh" big, but the "new flesh" in this case is his big-time pee-hose. Original LoveLine host Poorman once described it as "18 inches long" - and while that's medically-impossible (I hope), the general gist is that the guy from that episode of The Simpsons where Apu gets fired has a pretty sizeable pocket rocket. (we have the sound clip below that talks about it on Poorman)
3. Willem Dafoe's Dick Is "Confusingly Large"
Willem Dafoe's terrifying goblin face isn't the ONLY weirdly horrifying thing about his body - his mondo dong is so unbelievably massive, he had to use a stand-in dick for nude scenes in Antichrist. Here's the exchange, per The L Magazine:
Interviewer: Hold on - you had a stand-in dick? You had to have a stand in dick for Dafoe?
Lars von Trier: Yes, yes, we had to have, because Will's own was too big.
Interviewer: Too big to fit in the screen?
Lars von Trier: No, too big because everybody got very confused when they saw it.
While most actors are stuck using stand-in dicks to exaggerate the appearance of their pathetically teensy dinguses (like Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights and also Transformers 4, probably), Dafoe actually had to get a stand-in dick so that his weirdly huge crotch-sausage wouldn't terrify audiences (assuming the rest of Antichrist didn't already terrify them, that is).
And the weirdest part? What actually happens with Dafoe's dick SHOULD be the terrifying part (here's a quick rundown if you haven't seen it and we sure as shit are not gonna link to a Youtube video of this) - his gargantuan twig 'n berries are mutilated in the most horrifying manner possible. But yet that nightmare-ish act of dick-torture isn't half as scary as Dafoe's actual chubster.
"thelmagazine.com in 2010 had this to say (magazine website no longer exists)
BONUS BONER FACT! Not only all of that, but Willem Dafoe has famously used his bodacious boner -- he was expelled from high school for shooting a porno. Also his parents had a room in their house pretty specifically dedicated for anyone in the family to go have sex.
4. Jon Hamm's Hamboner Is a Longjohn
C'mon. Look at this shit! Look at it! Jon Hamm? More like Jon Sausage! He was named after the wrong meat, assuming all of our last names are meant to serve as metaphors for our genitals. How big is Jon Hamm's longjohn? So big that he literally had to demand people stop talking about it:
"Would you want people walking up to you and pointing at your d--k? I can't believe I'm still talking about this." - Jon Hamm, owner of a legendary peepee
Sorry Jon, but this Mad Man's got one mad member.
5. President Lyndon B. Johnson Gave His Jumbo Pork Sword an Appropriate Nickname
LBJ had an LBJ of his own - Long Boner Johnson (the J standing for the same thing is just a coincidence). Yes, the 36th President of the United States of America had a phallus so phantastic that even HE referred to it as "Jumbo." Not only that, but he was infamous for waving it around in public and hooting shit like:
"Have you ever seen anything as big as this?" - The 36th President of the United States of America, re: his Texan-style dangler (You can read the PDF version from 2002 here)
And he made use of it - apparently he was a more frequent philanderer than his predecessor, John F. Kennedy, a president known for his frequent affairs.
To date, no president has a peter as infamous as LBJ's. Sorry, all you Herbert Hoover penis fans.
6. Jay-Z's Humongo Peen Cannot Be Contained By Beyonce
Nas' babymama Carmen Bryan has described Jay-Z's Big-D to be like:
- a baby's arm
- the neck of a giraffe
- an elephant's trunk
Those are all some pretty big things - things way bigger than your normal, run-of-the-mill schlong. But what say Beyonce, the true arbiter of Jay-Z's giraffe-neck-esque boner? Look no further than her song Ego, which many have taken as a metaphor for Mr. Z's impressive weenus:
It's too big, it's too wide
It's too strong, it won't fit
It's too much, it's too tough
He talk like this 'cause he can back it up
Sounds like he's got 99 problems, and most of them are the fact that his dick literally won't fit inside his wife's vagina.
7. Rasputin's Creepy Mummy Weiner Looks Like A Footlong Alien
Hey, remember that creepy weirdo you were supposed to read about in history class (who served as a psycho advisor to the doomed Romanovs), but actually only remember as the bad guy in Anastasia? First off, the dude had a pretty crazy story that we can't really do justice in a single entry of a listicle about surprisingly big penises, but here are the broad strokes (ha, because dicks): he was a creepy weirdo who had an undue influence on the royal family of Russia, immediately preceding the Bolshevik Revolution. Basically, he was the Jaden Smith of Tsarist Russia, except with a rockin' beard...and a gigantic dingleheimer.
When Rasputin was famously murdered (through poison, gunshot, drowning, and being beaten, according to legend), his occult crotchmeat was apparently severed by the assassins. While it can never be 100% verified, the Russian Museum of Erotica claims to have Rasputin's chopped-off penis on display and preserved - where it stands at about 12 inches long, and hyper-gross looking.
8. Frank Sinatra Was Ashamed Because of His Colossal Wang
"He only weighs 110, but 10 pounds is cock." - Ava Gardner, famed carnival weight-guesser
Ol' Blue Eyes had a lot more going for him than his mellifluous voice, his sparkling smile, and his mafia connections - the famous crooner apparently had one superbly bulbous trouser snake.
Apparently he even had to get special underwear made to hold in his whale-like willy. Pennies From Heaven? More like Penis From Heaven! That's a reference to a famous Frank Sinatra song, in case you weren't aware, except changed around a little so that his big ol' honkin' baloney pony was mentioned.
9. Huey Lewis Is Hip To Be Grande In the Crotch Hog Department
You probably remember the name Huey Lewis from his myriad of 80s hits, because he was one of Patrick Bateman's favesies in American Psycho, or some mixture thereof. But the REAL reason you should know the man who brought us The News is because of his tremendous ding-a-ling.
Connie Hamzy, a legendary groupie, infamous/regular famous for having sex with innumerable rock 'n rollers across several decades, has been quoted as saying the following about Huey's Lewis:
"He's the biggest. I've always said he's the biggest."
More like the heart of COCK and roll is still beating (off, probably). That's the REAL power of love.
