Don’t Like My Writing Advice? Well, FAQ (humor)

Whenever I give writing advice to people, they usually suggest that I do an FAQ (or at least that's what it sounds like -- it's hard to hear them when they're walking away from me- FAQ, put the three words together sounds like Duck (replace the D with an F...lol)...). Here is my first list of Frequently Amusing Questions.

What exactly is writer's block?

Writer's block is when you sit down to write and your mind goes completely blank.  So you sit there for a while, hoping for the ideas to come back to you, but they don't, and you end up so depressed you finish off an entire block of chocolate.

What's it called if I have a glass of wine instead of a block of chocolate?

Getting drunk.

Do I need a computer to be a writer?

Yes.  You see, in the old days (when people wrote books that went on and on and on), writers could rely on things like famine, disease and war as an excuse to stop writing.  Which was good, because otherwise their stories would never have ended, and your high school book report would have taken you ten years to write. 

But these excuses simply won't work in today’s modern society (unless you do your own cooking), and so we need technology to help us:

Editor: Where's that column of yours?

You: My computer crashed last night, and everything on my hard drive got wiped.

Editor: Oh, okay.

You: And then it caught the Black Death.

Do I need to know grammar to be a successful writer?

Some people will tell you it's not necessary, but I disagree (that's the kind of person I am).  Knowing grammar will certainly help you sell more books -- especially if she's well known at her local bowls club.  All she has to do is say is something like, "Look, everyone. Silly Jenny's gone and written a book.  She's such a clever woman.  You'll all buy a copy, won't you?" and you've got yourself a couple of hundred sales.

What if my name isn't Jenny?

Then you'll have to change it.

But I'm not even female.

Then you'll need to shave your legs as well.

Well, I'd love to answer some more of your questions.....HARDWARE FAILURE - SYSTEM HALTED. GOODBYE!