A set of the most common cliches compiled-I am not the author of these quotes. I certainly didn't make up these clichés myself. None of these clichés are based on first-hand experience, because I've never met anyone that stupid.
Below are the silliest, most overused, most unoriginal catch phrases and sayings seen in many erotic stories. This list is put together for the following reasons:
1) To give aspiring authors and wannabe writers of erotica an idea of what NOT to write when creating new stories.
2) To provide some cheap laughs.
When a woman cums, she screams, "Oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm cuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmiiinnnnnnngggggggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!"
When a woman sees a man's penis, she immediately places her mouth on it.
All men have dicks at least 9 inches long and 3 inches wide.
Women's panties become soaked with moisture at the slightest suggestion of sex.
When a man sees a pretty girl, his 9 inch penis immediately becomes rock-hard and she always notices it. When she sees it, she smiles.
All women love to swallow.
Blond goddesses with gigantic breasts and gorgeous bodies are all secretly in love with nerdy computer geeks, and their ambition is to move into the apartment next door to a computer geek.
Men and women always cum at the same time during sex.
Premature ejaculation? Never!
Babysitters are the luckiest people on the face of the earth.
School teachers and college professors are the second luckiest people on the face of the earth.
Women really have the best (or full) orgasms only from phallic intercourse.
"...he thrust his nine-inch rod into her steaming love tunnel." (Can't they write something a little more erotic and suggestive?)
When a husband finds that his wife has been cheating on him, he is more turned on than angry.
When a woman finds that her husband wants to watch her fuck other men, she thinks it a swell idea.
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Or, in general - When one person wants some kind of non-standard sexual behavior, everybody else agrees.
Pool boys/gardeners/groundskeepers are the third luckiest people on the face of the earth.
High school (and Jr. High) girls want sex, but don't know where to get it. (Come on, guys. *You* lusted after all those girls in HS. Do you think that they didn't know that? Do you think that the present generation isn't doing the same? Do you think that you are more impressive to a frosh girl than the senior football hero?)
A woman's first date leads to her first kiss before ending with her first fuck.
Every woman, no matter what age, has perfectly trimmed or shaved pubic hair.
People who want sex don't have any obstacles. Parents go out of town for the weekend. When you want a matinee, your opposite number doesn't have a business lunch scheduled. The professor who is offered a sex slave for a passing grade doesn't fear entrapment. Your kid doesn't call for a glass of water. And the phone never rings!
If a woman has intercourse during her fertile period, she will get pregnant.
All men can consistently deliver 8-10 thick blasts of semen.
All black guys are extremely well hung.
Any copulation between a white woman and a black male will result in pregnancy.
And when a white woman gets a taste of sex with a black man, she will then divorce her husband, quit her job and sell her soul so that she can go on getting creamed by her black lover.
Men know women's bra sizes from outside their dresses.
All women wear garters instead of panty hose.
Every man dribbles pre-cum all day which doubles when a woman holds his cock.
No one ever smells bad, even after having sex on a cum-soaked mattress for umpteen hours.
All women produce amazing amounts of "juice" that either flows down their legs or drips from their pussy like a leaky faucet. And they never dry out, even after hours of non-stop sex.
All women love pain, it causes them to orgasm.
Everbody has a smooth ass. Even men.
Newspaper carriers ) are the fourth luckiest people on the face of the earth.
Parents/spouses/roommates are always conveniently away for the weekend when you need a place to engage in sex (unless of course the sex involves the aforementioned parents/spouses/roommates).
Any woman can deep throat any man no matter how long he is. Even if that means down the oesophagus.
"...but when I found out that my husband (or wife) had been seeing someone else, I wasn't angry...rather, I was excited!"
All women in a position of authority have secret desires to be submissive.
Forty-year-old divorced guys have no trouble scoring with large-breasted 18-year-old girls. Forty-year-old divorced women have large-breasted 21-year-old bodies.
All women with small breasts fantasies about having *REALLY HUGE* ones.
"...Ohh, Billy, fuck me hard, fill my love hole, make me cum..." (repeated endlessly)
Women cum about 20 times from straight missionary fucking.
Oral sex is the only way to wake your lover up.
And you still want to perform oral sex in the morning, even though your partner didn't wash his dick or douche after doing anal sex the night before.
Everyone has a perfect body you could break a brick on.
All women in sex stories can give great head. Even the 13-year olds.
The wife has a secret stash of "toys" the husband has no clue about.
Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even the first time.
Married men love fantasizing about their wives having sex with other men, and they will jump at the chance to let that fantasy come true.
A woman whose male lover has spurned her will invariably be a lesbian by the end of the story.
Who needs condoms?
Any woman described as having a scientific occupation will invariably be occupied with making her breasts larger.
Every sexually transmitted disease and parasite has been eliminated. (Apparently with the same technology that allows women scientists to grow their breasts.)
When magically granted wishes, men will choose, in this order, the following: An 18" dick, the ability to attract women, and one of the following: obscene riches or the ability to grow breasts larger.
No one is ever nervous or frightened at the prospect of sex.
If a woman has small breasts, she will always have dark, pointy, otherwise amazing nipples.
She also makes up for her "deficiency" by having a tight ass and a ravenous sexual appetite.
But when a women does have large breasts, they will never flop or sag.
Practitioners of Magick have to do it nude.
Always be on the lookout for underage hitchhiking and homeless girls. If you buy them a meal and give them a place to stay for the night, they will reward you with the best sex you've ever had.
A backrub ALWAYS leads to something else.
Vaginas must be lined with asbestos in order to handle all the molten cum poured into them.
No one ever says "Can't we just cuddle?"
If a married man's wife has a sister, the sister will be a bombshell sexpot (more beautiful than his wife) who is just aching for a chance to leap in the sack with him.
Stretch marks don't exist.
Dozens of men worldwide have perfected mind-control devices which allow them to create huge harems.
Anyone caught in the act of masturbation won't stop, but will instead continue to completion.
Menstrual periods don't exist...except as a way for the woman to discover that she didn't get pregnant that time, after all. (Whew! That means she and her lover can keep on doing it.)
Coeds never wear bras and panties.
Getting ass on campus is easy...just like it was in high school.
Dorm rooms are huge and perfect for orgies.
The only way to relieve yourself is on another person.
Older guys always have large, gnarly cocks, and they always get it up instantly, on demand, with little or no foreplay, several times in a row, just like they did at 21.
Public places where sex always happens: In a subway car, limo or cab; stopped at a red light; traffic jam or accident; in a stuck elevator. If done in an alley, prepare to see the girl get gangbanged by the hoodlums who live there.
No one ever says "I wish you'd shaved today."
If you have a hangup over a particular sex act, you'll get over it once you try it (no matter how perverted it is).
Subs have all the fun. No one ever comes from watching another tied-up person come.
Cocks pound, drill, impale, and skewer. Pussies suck, clamp, and milk.
Videos enhance sex. A sexually conservative wife/girlfriend will immediately become an insatiable slut after watching a hot tape.
Male executives about to spank their sexy, voluptuous secretaries find them wearing Carter-style cotton waist-high pre-teen-style underpants.
"I always hear about stuff like this happening to other guys/girls -- I never thought it would happen to me!"
Whenever "kinky" sex is mentioned or even hinted at, out come the nipple clamps. As everyone knows, they're sold in little stands on convenience store counters next to Slimjims and cigarette lighters.
No sexually active teenagers have zits.
People in sex stories can always find the thing they're looking for. In bed. In the tangle of sheets. In the dark.
Foreign women will do anything without even thinking about it. American women never think about doing anything until it actually happens.
When anal sex takes place, every anus and every rectum is absolutely clean and doesn't smell.
Any character introduced and described in more than a paragraph after the first 200 lines of a story will be involved intimately with one or more of the previously introduced characters.
Makeup never smears or runs.
Any description of a female must include specific bra and cup size, hair color, and either "full" or "pouty" lips somewhere or another. Precise waist measurements are optional, but common.
Body fat simply does not exist unless the writer has a fetish.
If a guy has a female friend who's a stripper, he'll end up backstage doing all her co-workers. If a girl has a male friend who's a stripper, she'll end up backstage getting gangbanged.
Long hair never gets in the way.
During an orgy everybody's having a great time, everyone is buffed and beautiful, all the sex is heterosexual (except for women kissing or rubbing each other) and no guy ever gets splattered by all the flying semen.
Your girlfriend's Mom is a carbon copy of her daughter and she's just as horny.
Your best friend's Mom looks like a sex goddess and hasn't had a good fuck in years.
Any story told with a male first-person narrator will describe any other penii in the story (if mentioned at all) as being "somewhat smaller". Optionally: "...smaller but thicker".
The first sexual encounter between two people always proceeds in this order:
- He sucks her tits.
- He eats her pussy.
- She sucks his dick.
- Missionary fuck.
- Doggy-style or anal.
Doing it any other way is against the rules.
No one knows how to spell the word "come" correctly.
The guy can always stick it into the girl without missing or fumbling, even the first time, even after drinking.
When visiting married friends not seen since high school/college, you must first smoke pot and get a good buzz going before reaming your buddy's wife in the ass while your own spouse wolfs down gallons of your buddy's come like it was diet pop. Flashback mode seems to work best here.
No one wears contacts.
Men never lose their erection in the middle of things, for no reason.
Women always love having their nipples bitten right away, while they're still warming up.
Beaver shots are non-existent, except when they are used by a female student to increase her grade.
No one ever has a pimple on their ass. (Or a rash, or body odor...)
No one ever gets sore or cramped.
Women love laying there and getting pounded in the same position for hours at a time, especially when taking on three, four, or ten guys in a row.
All women love facials. Really.
The man's dick never accidentally slips out at the wrong moment.
Women "never want a man as bad as this one."
Small, geeky computer nerd types are the wildest, most incredibly capable guys in the sack -- oh, wait. That's true. 😉
