OVERCOMING FEAR AND SHYNESS
If you are someone who fantasizes about expressing your erotic feelings to your lover, but feel somewhat awkward and tongue tied when the opportune moment arrives, rest assured you are not alone. Over sixty percent of the men and women who have attended my workshops have confessed that while they like the idea of talking erotically, they feel uncomfortable abut actually doing it. In fact, a number of them admitted they found it easier to initiate a new position for making love than to express their sexual feelings with words.
While it is certainly important to understand the reasons so many of us have difficulty expressing our sexual passion verbally, this column will be devoted to some actions we can take to make ourselves and our partners more comfortable with erotic talk.
Once you become comfortable with some of these gentle ways of putting your sensual desires and feelings into words, then the more "advanced" forms of verbal erotica, such as talking "dirty" or sharing wild fantasies, will come much easier.
1. EROTIC QUESTIONING
You may find it initially easier to ask your lover for feedback as to how he or she is enjoying your caresses, rather than disclosing your own state of arousal. Such questioning will excite your partner, if it is done with a sensual, intimate tone in your voice and a genuine interest in your lover's responses. You might begin by stroking her or him in two different areas of the body or in two different ways (perhaps very gently and then more firmly), then asking in a soft voice or whisper, "Which feels better.....this.....or this?" Or you might ask, "What part of your body would most enjoy some loving attention right now?" or "Would you like me to move my hands lightly along your body like this.....or with more pressure...like this, or "Would you show me with your own hands how you want to be touched?"
Such questioning can have several benefits. First, it gives you useful feedback as to your partner's sexual needs or preferences. Second, it shows your lover that you care about his or her specific sexual desires. Third, if you're really inventive about where and how you touch your partner, it creates a mood of delicious anticipation. Fourth, the fascination and excitement of finding out exactly what turns your partner on, will cancel or neutralize any self-consciousness or embarrassment you may be initially feeling. Fifth, it is a great way to begin to elicit verbal expression from a usually "silent" lover.
2. EROTIC FEEDBACK
Letting your partner know how much you're enjoying the sensual connection or attention you're receiving, can be extremely arousing. You might want to simply acknowledge your enjoyment with "Mmm, that feels sooo good", or "I love the way my body feels against yours" or "Please, baby, do that again." Or you may wish to acknowledge your lover's sexual attractiveness to you with phrases like "It really excites me watching you move like that", "I love the way you smell" or "You taste absolutely delicious!"
SPECIAL TIPS
The most important thing to remember in both erotic questioning and erotic feedback is to stay focused on your sensory experiences. Do not try to figure out something sexy to say to your lover. Such mental efforting can interfere with your own arousal and increase self-consciousness and anxiety. Rather, tune into the feelings of pleasure on your skin and in your body. Notice how the sight, sound, taste and smell of your lover is affecting you and give voice to those experiences. A genuine, truly felt, "Oh, you make me feel soo good!" will be ten times more exciting to your partner than a forced sequence of "dirty talk" or an attempt to sound like a seductive vixen or Casanova from an erotic novel. As I describe in my book, explicit sex talk can be done with ease, flair and feeling, but it is a skill that is best acquired after confidence is gained from practicing these more gentle approaches.
EROTICIZING SAFE SEX DISCUSSIONS
Bringing up the issue of safe sex with a new lover can be extremely awkward and difficult. What's more it can put a damper on the delicious flow of feeling that you're beginning to develop with your incipient lover. However, my philosophy in this situation is, "O.k., we have a sour lemon here, now let's see how we can transform it into some refreshing lemonade!"
For instance, instead of breaking a passionate embrace with something like, "Hold it, we better not do this until we've had our safe sex discussion" or "Stop! I'm not going any further without some protection!, try an approach that accentuates the positive. For example, you might say, "You know, you've got me so excited and turned on right now, that I think we better deal with the safe sex issue before I totally lose control!" Or, if you've decided you're ready to consummate your passion, try, "You know, I could relax and enjoy you so much more if we had some protection." Another tactic would be to delay your safe sex discussion for another time and enjoy each other with the various forms of "outercourse" . You could suggest this with, "Let's experiment with how we can give each other pleasure in ways that are totally safe, until we've had a chance to discuss our sexual histories."
Another safe sex hurdle that can be overcome with erotic talk is that unromantic time period when you're gathering and applying your safe sex paraphernalia - condoms, spermicide, dental dams, finger cots, etc. If you keep the erotic conversation going while you're doing this, you'll keep the desire building until you're safely ready to make love. For example if one of you has to get out of bed to fetch a condom, your partner could say, "I love how sexy your butt muscles look when you walk across the floor. Do you know what I'm going to do to you when you get back into bed?" Or before inserting your diaphragm and spermicidal jelly, you might say to your lover, "Oh honey, I'm so excited I hardly know what I'm doing; could you help me with this?"
If you and your lover feel comfortable sharing sexual fantasies with each other, you can use this opportunity to create a fantasy around safe sex. For instance, you might pretend that you're both teenagers about to have sex for the first time. Imagine you're in a parked car struggling with a condom to avoid an unwanted pregnancy. See if you can recapture some of the urgency, innocence and wonder that make early sexual experiences so thrilling and unforgettable. You might say, "I've never done this before, but I'm so glad I have a condom, because you excite me so that I don't want to stop."
See if you can come up with some other imaginative ways to make safe sex a challenging adventure rather than a frustrating problem. Also check out more writing resource topics on Salty Vixen Stories & More: https://www.saltyvixenstories.com/general-writing-resources/
