It s been long enough, pal. Now get yourself a clean break, not a boiled bunny.
1. AFTER A COUPLE OF DATES
Ignoring a girl you've just started seeing can actually spare her feelings hell, that s what caller ID is for. If she s desperate enough to pursue you, you ll have to do some mild blowing off. Call when she s not home, letting her down with an ego-booster like, I had a great time with you at dinner/skiing in Mongolia/lancing your boils! I wish work weren t so insane right now. I ll call you soon. Or send an e-mail to that effect and ignore her response. Unless said new girl is your boss, in which case spend that extra alone-time updating your résumé.
2. AFTER A COUPLE OF MONTHS
It gets trickier once there s a pattern of hanging out. Full disclosure can only hurt you when you re breaking up, try the ol I m getting back with my ex chestnut: Say you like her but can t move on until you give your old flame one last chance. She ll be sad, but she ll admire your romantic streak. If you re into honesty, be nice, taking cues from the 400 times you ve been dumped. (Though Your dick s too small won t fly❭hopefully.) Stick to your decision: One booty call and you re back in her web.
3. AFTER A COUPLE OF YEARS
The biggest mistake is putting off the inevitable. A girlfriend will home in on your awkwarder-than-usual silences, asking questions like, What s wrong? and, Why doesn't my key work? Repeat after us: Its not you; it is me. It s the gold standard cliché for a reason. Make it clear you adore her strengths but you aren t compatible and you can walk away with positive feelings. She refuses to admit you re inferior? Prove it by sleeping with everyone she knows, starting with her mother.
4. AFTER A COUPLE OF KIDS
It seemed like a good idea at first, but she just never regained her figure after that fourth baby. These things happen; don't blame yourself. Save your family the pain of a drawn-out good-bye. Be noble, gradually reducing eye contact, then slink away in the night. If you wake up the kids, say you re going out to buy presents and you ll be back soon, you promise.
