The world of online dating can be harrowing. It’s a time-consuming experience, focused on trying to find a partner in a sea of internet strangers who don’t always offer honest representations of what they’re looking for.
One man asked the subreddit r/AmITheA–hole if he was wrong for his response to a woman who told him exactly what she wanted in a relationship.
He said that he’s been on dating apps “for quite a while,” and his profile “very clearly states, ‘I’m dating with marriage as the end goal.’” He recently matched with a woman who also expressed her desire to date with marriage in mind, “with the caveat of wanting a traditional relationship where she would be a housewife.”
“I agree that I would be happy with that arrangement, in the future,” the man explained, and after chatting a bit, the two set up a date for dinner.
As he described the situation, he was surprised to discover that she didn’t want to be a parent, but also wanted a traditional marriage where she was a homemaker.
He stated, “In my confusion, I ask her, ‘But you said you were looking to become a housewife?’ She responds, ‘You can be a housewife and still not want children.’”
His reaction to her answer was to “chuckle, but it wasn’t a full belly roar of a laugh, just a chuckle.” The woman clearly felt hurt, asking why he did so. He asked her, “‘What will you be doing all day?’ She says, ‘What do older housewives do after their children go off on their own"' [and] my response was, ‘usually back to work.’
The man told her, “It’s going to be next to impossible to find a man willing to take that deal,” which angered the woman, and she left. He asked Reddit if he was an a–hole “for telling her the truth.
The people responding to his post were divided on whether or not he was wrong to laugh at her uncommon relationship goals. Some believed she was in the wrong for wanting a partnership where she wouldn’t have to work, yet others pointed out that relationships function in different ways, and whatever works for any given couple is a valid arrangement to have.
One person exclaimed, “It is incredibly rude to laugh in someone’s face who is being genuine and honest with you. It’s also not that crazy that, if her future partner makes enough that she doesn’t need to work, then she can stay home... I don’t know why you wouldn’t want that for the person you love if you have the opportunity to provide it.”
Another person countered that viewpoint, claiming he wasn’t the a–hole, as “she is allowed to have a (somewhat delusional but technically possible) dream. You are allowed to decline to support it and give your opinion on it.”
Someone else pointed out a perceived misogynist attitude in his reaction, explaining that being a housewife doesn’t automatically equal being a stay-at-home mom. Another person agreed, stating, “There are people out there who would be fine with partners who stay at home without children. ‘Housewife’ and ‘homemaker’ don’t always mean ‘stay-at-home mother.’"
“She wasn't asking for the impossible,” someone else explained. “There are plenty of housewives without children. Most of them occupy themselves by doing all the work that it takes to maintain a home and strong family and community connections.”
They called the man out for judging her outright, saying, “Sounds like you shut her down before she could give you any details. It's OK to not want to support a wife
if that's not your thing, but being openly disdainful is not.”
Yet another person saw the issue as one of basic human decency, stating, “It doesn't cost anything to be respectful. Her desire is really not that unusual, and even if it was unusual, you should have been respectful and cut your losses.”
While the Reddit community remained at odds as to whether or not he was wrong for how he reacted to his date, the fact remains that all relationships are highly nuanced — what works for one couple won’t necessarily work for another.
This man and woman had differing points of view on how a relationship should unfold, yet neither person’s view was entirely invalid.
