Hey love, I’m really glad you wrote in. You’re 33, deeply in love with your girlfriend, and you’re stuck in a sexless relationship that’s slowly breaking your heart. Sex once every two months (if you’re lucky) while you’re craving so much more. You initiate, you get rejected with every excuse in the book, and it’s starting to hurt your confidence and your connection.
You’re not alone. This is incredibly common in lesbian relationships, even when the love is strong. Different sex drives can feel like a slow, painful wedge between two women who genuinely adore each other.
First, Let’s Get One Thing Straight
Neither of you is wrong. You are not too horny. She is not broken or defective. Some women have high sex drives, some have very low ones, and sometimes it’s just how we’re wired. The fact that her siblings seem to have the same low drive suggests it might be partly genetic or deeply ingrained. That doesn’t make it easier for you, but it helps remove the blame.
The real problem isn’t the difference in desire — it’s the lack of honest conversation and creative solutions.
What You Can Do Right Now (Practical & Sexy Advice)
- Stop the pressure — but don’t stop the intimacy Tell her clearly: “I love you. I’m not going to pressure you for sex, but I need physical closeness. Can we cuddle naked, kiss, touch, and just enjoy each other’s bodies without it always having to lead to full sex?” Many women with lower drives relax and open up when the goal of orgasm is taken off the table.
- Schedule sex dates (yes, really) Pick two specific days or nights a month and put them in the calendar. No canceling unless someone is genuinely sick. On her day, she’s in charge. On your day, you’re in charge. Knowing it’s planned can actually reduce her anxiety and give you something to look forward to.
- Make non-sexual affection a daily habit Kiss her like you mean it. Massage her back. Sleep naked together. Hold her. The more safe and loved she feels in your touch, the more her body might eventually wake up.
- Explore together without pressure
- Try sensual massages with good oil
- Watch ethical lesbian erotica together
- Use toys (vibrators can be a game-changer for many women)
- Experiment with different kinds of touch — slow teasing, grinding, nipple play, ass stimulation, etc.
- Bring food, music, candles, or even shower sex into the mix
- Take care of yourself Don’t wait around feeling frustrated. Masturbate. Buy yourself nice toys. Read erotica. Keep your own desire alive so you don’t start resenting her.
The Hard Truth
If she truly has a very low sex drive and isn’t willing to work on it with you, this may not magically change. Love is not always enough when one person feels chronically sexually unfulfilled. You need to have a real, calm conversation about what you both need to stay happy long-term.
Ask her: “What would make sex feel good for you instead of stressful?” “Are you open to trying new things together, even if your drive is low?”
If she shuts down or gets defensive every time, that’s a bigger relationship issue that might need couples counseling (even if you have to save up for it or find low-cost options).
You deserve to feel desired. She deserves to feel accepted. Somewhere in the middle is where your future lies.
You love each other. That’s the most important part. Now it’s time to fight for the physical love you both deserve too.
You’ve got this, baby. Be honest, be patient, but don’t disappear your own needs.
With love and understanding, Salty Vixen 💕
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