A photo of me, Salty Vixen in 2024
I came across an article titled "The Emotional Roller Coaster Of Entrepreneurship", and the article spoke about mental health and starting a new business,
Despite all the mental health apps and therapists trying to break stigmas around mental heathy, they still exist. In 2019, an American Psychiatric Association (APA) poll found that about half of employees were hesitant to discuss mental health issues at work. Over a third thought they might be fired or punished for seeking mental health care. The stigma may even be worse in entrepreneurial circles where toughness and “a thick skin” are expectations.
Research shows time and time again that, when we openly talk about a stigmatized subject, the stigma fades. It follows that the more we actually own up to our struggles, and the more we talk about those struggles, the more the overall temperature of our feelings can diminish.
The entire article got me into deep thought for so many reasons. Why my brand Salty Vixen is what it is today and how it started. We all have our stories and reasons for doing things-or why we start businesses, write books and so on. For me, writing has always been a way for me to express myself when I couldn't talk or tell anyone. I am used to people shutting me down when I need to express my introverted thoughts. Yep. Friends and family never listen to introverted people. Even back in the days of past. I come from a family of introverts, and what we do when we mentally shutdown, we go radio silent and snap out of it by being creative, for me, music and writing.
Disclaimer, if those that be come across this article, then they know what I am talking about. I am over the past, but the past is what made me , who I am : Stronger. And this article will bring up the small violin of the past as this is how I explain myself ( I am in a happy place now, so please understand that when reading this article).
You see...from 2017-2020, (in reality it was 2 years and 10 months off and on), I was in a sexting relationship with someone, (I will call, "The situation") who knew how I always felt about him in high school (He was my biggest crush of years past). He knew I always cared and respected him-he was always kind to me when people bullied me. And he was the person who always put a smile on my face. Let me rephrase that, In a nutshell, our sexting relationship, he took advantage of me and when he told the truth the morning after my 20th reunion at 5:30AM, the text was " I can't meet for coffee, because I am married and all.."
I was physically sick. I was lied to. And before you ask, no I had no idea he was married that entire time. If I knew in the first place, the sexting relationship would not have happened. People who know me, knows what kind of person I am- so making me a virtual mistress without me knowing I was, pissed me off (I think because he knew me from high school era, knowing I am quiet, I would never say a word, but he forgot, what he did in high school, at band camp, was when I learned I have a voice and he made me bring that voice out once and for all after this). Made me bitter, got me into a dark place for a period of time.
This sexting relationship was more than sexting (video chats, photos, videos sent and so on ) and I couldn't say a word to anyone. At my 20th reunion, that evening, I was sitting with some friends and he was constantly texting me so I wouldn't say a word. Someone in the group asked whose name popped up on my phone and I had to quickly change the story. I kept discreet like he asked. I always did what he asked me to do. That is the power of controlling an introvert- easy.
You all want to know how it all started? Simple. We reconnected on social media (he was the one lurking who was lurking, that is how we reconnected), exchanged numbers and then he texted me, asking me to use "whatsapp" ( I haven't logged into that App in years but I am sure there are a ton of messages from him back in 2020, especially when I ended it, his rage scared me, and I have been on the end of his anger in high school, I couldn't go through that again, all because I spoke up.) , I never used that App before, so yeah, I was a dumbass. But with him, it didn't matter. Hearing from him again, I was happy, blushing, back to how I felt when I liked him in years past.
I let my wall down and let him in, which, was rare for me to do. That is part of being an introvert.
I was suffering when he told me those words. I wonder, if I hadn't been in town for my 20th reunion, would he have told me the truth about him being married? Would this have continued up until this present day? (and before you asked I was the one who ended it, even after he told me he was married, he would text.
Our sexting was an addiction, whenever we needed to release the 'sexual desire', that is when we would go on with sexting and it got to the point, it was a pattern, peoples birthday's, he would sext me; a event, he would sext me.A funeral? Yep. family goes on vacation, he would sext me. His friends birthday, sext. I knew some of the birthdays because we all grew up together! The others, I researched (after our sexting affair ended- I got curious) because the patterns became so normal that I was trying to figure out what was causing anxiety in him to sext me. And we celebrated my birthday on his wife's birthday. Twice. And then on my birthday.
He would sext me every so often that he was looking for 'sexting fun', I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't respond to it, I just said "Hey, how's it going, hope your day is beautiful' and nothing more. I had to break free from this, so I used my voice and spoke up, which bit me in the ass because he lied (and he told me he lied to save face! and I took the fall for it) - so you all can tell up to this point, why I got into a dark place when I ended it, and nobody would listen to me. I was marked as the whore. mistress. b*tch. Who else knows what was said about me- when he was the one who knew what he was doing was wrong. And stated earlier if I had known he was married there is no way in fuck I would have allowed my walls to come down for him.
Just like what happened on the band trip between us on May 6th, 1995- 'be discreet'. And all I knew what to do was keep quiet. Say nothing. Do nothing. Although band trip wasn't a big deal, more embarrassing, in a nutshell, We both got an orgasm from a hug, in the hotel lobby in Nashville. After that happeend, when we got back to school, he ignored me, acted like I didn't exist. Band camp, the anger I got from him , because I was chatting with his friend. Sure you reading this asking "WHY does she remember this? because Trauma is trauma and it was trauma for me)
The video (below) I put together, words that was said to me during our FaceTime virtual sex session (this happened WHILE he was at work- yes, shift ended, however, this happened at place of work. IT was hot, don't get me wrong but now I remember he said "keep this discreet", the video, reflects what he told me to do. What wasn't in the video was the sex acts he asked me to do. And for the FaceTime session, he had called and called and called, you know a woman keeps receipts, and I kept a record of everything for MY safety.
Our sexting relationship went on for 2 years and 10 months (off and on), it was deep , he told me to be discreet each time, and I was a fool for not understanding why he said to be discreet- But here we are, lesson deeply learned and I grew from that. I took the heartache and made a brand. My Bedtime Stories with Salty Vixen are not about anyone but it is a way for me to vent just about things in life that I turn into different story ideas each day - Monday-Friday.
Look, we did things. I did things he asked and so on. Nobody knew the truth about what we did except for "the situation" and myself. I tried to tell the crush-turned-bully about it and he refused to let me talk as he took the words of 'the situation' to heart and once again shut me down.
To know a place where I was coming from, when we began the sexting relationship, all he said I was beautiful. Words I longed to hear from him. I was recently divorced- my marriage was abusive, something I can now talk about but then I was still closed off.
It had had been years when someone told me I am 'beautiful' and thus the sexting relationship begin, and I was enjoying the attention. When he asked me to do sexual acts and make videos playing them out, including using an object and saying name, or photos, I couldn't say no. However, now I look back at it, I wish I would have. [but that sexting relationship, he brought out my inner Salty Vixen and that, I will be thankful for him. Not just erotica, but just being able to express in everything. aka he helped me find my voice that was lost for years.]
Back in high school years, when I think about it, I could never say no to him. I was scared of getting him or anyone upset so I did as he asked whenever he texted me, regardless of time of the day. Silly isn't it? Well to us introverts, it isn't silly because it goes a lot deeper.
Why was that? I can tell you why. Because of what happened in 1993/4 school year, I had the worst bullying of my life. All because of some chick, didn't like the fact her boyfriend was my partner in math (Yes I remember 8th grade too well lol) and she told my crush at the time some awful things, to the point, he told me to die, told people not to talk to me and at my first modeling job, he brought another fellow who had given me the middle finger at my place of work at the mall, and then told me to fuck off and told my boss that I should be fired, all because of some Karen, who said a lie and my crush didn't once listen to me or ask me. Did I hold a grudge ? Yes. My voice went so weak to the point I was scared to speak up.
That is why the following year, when I met 'the situation', who was my crush in high school. I felt protected, I knew my 8th grade crush turned into my bully, I could talk to 'the situation that led to sexting affair years later (yep! Same fellow) and I knew he would stand up for me. To be honest, my own friends didn't stick up for me. I had to do it on my own but then 'the situation' stood up for me so many times, and that is why my crush developed. Yes, past. But that is the story behind it, so you know where I am coming from. and yes , 'The other' will always hold a special place in my heart.
So when it ended, I had to think what my 8th grade bully (I will always have deepest respect, and nothing but love and kindness for that person. I look up to that person till' this day 🙂 ) would say an do in my situation. And then we spoke on the phone, and he did what he did back then, shut me down. His words were "Rachel, I don't want to hear it. I don't know what is going on, I want to know but I don't at the same time. Stop crying. We need happy Rachel not sad Rachel" - And all I wanted was for him to hear me out, to let me talk.
I felt small once again and I got back to my 8th grade place. So, in a nutshell, I took the fall and I nearly ended my life as a result, just like I almost did in 8th grade when the bully told me to die, and got me to lose my 2nd chair in band, and told people not to talk to me. And when he said "I hear ya got a modeling job, for what a dog food commercial? You are ugly, not even dogs would like you" (oh that was said when his friend was talking about me modeling and he was excited and his friends girlfriend at the time, told my crush who turned into hate for me, that I liked him and said some bullshit lie, that crush-turned-bully didn't ask me, so he knocked me down the ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR!") - that very moment, entire 8th grade in the cafeteria paused . got silent and then all laughed at me. He sat back at his table and I ran to the pay phone, I was going to end my life then.
Then his friend, J, got up and took the pay phone from my hand and said "life is worth living." J saved my life that day. but the bully continued to make fun of me and I learned to ignore it- I never got an answer when I asked him "Why did I deserve that?" He told me to get over it.
And you reading it are wondering, why am I talking about this, it happened million years ago. Well, I am in introvert and talking is how I work things out. I express myself. And all of this- the past, is how my brand came to be. I hide behind the name as my brand means confidence. Without it, I am still shy and timid.
I was in a lot of hurt for a long time, I ignored it. I had to tell myself I am beautiful each and everyday because bully convinced me I am ugly. I didn't date in high school so I began to believe it. Then I lived in England and met Prince William , Prince Harry. I was a non playing member at Beaufort Polo Club, I was a Patron for Sentebale . I got married, had two kids, marriage became abusive and it now we are back to blast from the past situation. I never thought it would go the way it did,but here we are.
So fast forward to now- I suffered . Emotionally. I began writing, and writing is therapy for me. I did see a therapist after shit hit the fan and she told me writing is what is helping me recover. Then I made a business out of it. My mental health improved and now I am in a good place. I forgave , everyone, finally but in my gut, that lingers, what if 'crush-turned-bully' finds my site? What if he still hates me? Because he listened to blast from the past and never once got my side of the story. (that is why I kept the entire chats/him calling me. I didn't call him! so I could be listened to but the crush-turned bully refused to listen to me. So everything sits on a zip file, I haven't opened it in years , and no reason to.)
So why Salty Vixen? Ahh, now you wonder. Well, here it goes:
Root of the name comes form 8th grade. To remind me I am strong, beautiful and confident. Because I always looked up to him, yes he was mean to me, but in a way, he was my first crush (Mr. J was not my first crush, I am putting that to rest, the crush-turned-bully was my first crush going back to 6th and again in 8th, in 6th & 7th grade he was kind to me, made me laugh).
I first used the name, 'Salty Vixen' 18 June 2004 when I got sexually assaulted, to stop it from getting worse, I thought about 8th grade bully and that gained me confidence- I said "I am a Vixen in a Salty situation" In my mind, if he saw what was happening, he would protect me, so on a odd way, spiritual level, he had protected me for years.
But my erotica? that was therapy from the Complex PTSD - the result of the shit hitting the fan due to nobody listening to me for my side of the story. In a nutshell, "the situation" is the reason why I wrote erotica, I had to stop suffering because my emotions were played with, I was used and I was angry. Now I enjoy writing it as I am beyond all that negative energy. It is my little business.
Look, this article will stay anonymous, I don't want anything except to have a voice. A voice that I couldn't use. And that, my friends, is how I finally got to express myself. I am not asking for a pity party, I am not asking for anything. except to be a voice to be heard. I did finally heal and will always have the most respect for that 8th grade crush- I always look up to him and still do.
I took his advice and looked for a positive outlook , so here I am, writer of Erotica, and now True Crime series, my recipes, jokes, a Digital Magazine. So Salty Vixen is finally-
ME
Salty Vixen is not about anyone. Not about anything. it is ME. This is my brand. This is ME and I am Salty Fucking Vixen. I have a naughty mind. I have a playful mind. I have a loving mind. I have a positive mind. I have a silly mind. But my brand, that started from nothing was my way to cope from everything that happened, from 'the situation', to my ex husband who had abused me, and going back to 18 June 2004 when I was sexually assaulted on the polo field during a polo after party at Beaufort Polo Club- and yes, I remember him. He knows what he did, saw him at charity events back in 2016. He remembered me.
With that said, I am no longer living in fear of the past. I have moved beyond it but sometimes the fear lingers, fear of being hated because of what happened in 1994/5 school year and what happened a few years ago that got me to spire into a deep dark depression because I spoke up to end it and due to 'situation' lies, I took the fall because I don't like drama. I don't want to get to that place again, and honestly, in 2024, I am in a happy place. But I know, the linger is still deep in my gut, and perhaps it is because at one point, conversation could happen, one that could laugh off the past and get to a place of laughter.
All I wanted was to be heard but now, what is the point? I have created Salty Vixen and I am damn proud of it because Salty Vixen is me! So come, and read, laugh, be silly or naughty, become a Salty Vixen, I don't mind, as we are all a bit naughty when we want to be 🙂
Talking about the past is a good way to let off the built up emotions that has been screaming to get out. That is why artists write or compose and write their best work. Who knows, maybe the crush-turned-bully will become a fan of Salty Vixen and if he does, I will be honored 🙂 He really is a good person, and I will always stand up for him, that is how I am, an introvert.
If you made it this far and I hope you have- I am sending a message. I have grown from it but I am not going to lie that I was deeply hurt when I felt the world was against me. Perhaps that was due to the bullying I got crush-turn-bully in middle school- taking away my self esteem. I wish, back then I spoke up about it but how could I? his words, his anger, the fact he told me to die twice (yeah I remember, he wrote "Die, Rachel, Die" on a poster board on the back of the school bus, while I sat in front of mine).
I still remember sitting in Spanish class , telling everyone I am the worst human being and nobody is allowed to talk to me, he also walked up to me and screamed in my face and told me I don't belong on this earth- why did I deserve that? I had wondered, all because of "Karen" who dated J, at the time, spread a false rumor and crush-turned-bully should have known I am a gentle person, I hardly spoke up, so why would I do anything? Plus "Karen" knew that I had a big crush on him. Oh when he found out I liked him- he spewed how much he hated me , to my face.
You all might be smirking wonder why I remember everything, I just have a good memory. That is what makes me a storyteller. And that is part of the "Complex PTSD" .So my brand is not about anyone, it is about me. It is about the fact I have moved beyond all the shit I had endured - but at times I do wish I could just sit down with crush-turned-bully, just to let him hear me out on what happened but instead I am hated. And there is no reason to hate someone. These are my thoughts and feelings.
