I am single and, naturally, swipe left and swipe right on dating Apps. At one point, I may have been guarded about this fact, but it’s 2023 and what single person hasn’t tried to find better loving through technology? If you claim otherwise, I don’t believe you! There’s no shame in online dating anymore. Hell, I’ll show my mom my profile. Who cares? It’s kind of fun that way. Non-single people like to live vicariously through us searching for romance.
But truth be told, online dating used to be brutal for me. Dating involves some measure of rejection. It’s not for the thin-skinned. I can’t predict when you’ll find love, but I’m confident that you won’t find the person of your dreams while staying home and playing with yourself. So get back online and keep looking.
My guy friend, Dustin told me that he had estimated in 10 years, he sent messages to thousands of women. He is using 1,000 in the theoretical example below to show how rough it was:
- 1 in 10 girls responded, if I was lucky: 100
- 3 in 4 of those agreed to go on a screening date like happy hour (preferably) or coffee (lame!): 75
Let’s pause for a second and recognize the chances are already 7.5 percent. Ouch! That’s a lot rejection, but that’s the easy part. Getting ignored by a girl (and man!) you’ve never met is annoying but not heartbreaking
- 1 in 2 of the girls looked like their photos: ~38
A 30- to 60-minute date may not sound like a very long time until you show up for your first date and figure out in less than 5 seconds that her pictures were 5 years old. (although Dustin was telling me his experience, same can be for us women, I have chatted with men whose photos were OLD! One dude had a photo from the 1980s!)
- 1 in 4 of the girls who look like their pics show interest in going on a second date: ~10
And this is where things can start to go off the rails. If you would ask me after the second or third date what the chances were of going on another date, I would usually predict it at a near certainty (i.e. 99.9999999 percent). In reality it was less than 10 percent.
- 1 in 10 of the remaining dates make it beyond the third date: 1
One in a thousand… so you’re telling me there’s a chance?! No not, really. This is a bitter pill to swallow because most of the people disappear never to be heard from again. No responses to texts, emails, phone calls, Facebook messenger, Twitter, etc. It would be nice to get a polite and clear rejection but I guess that’s too much too ask because it rarely happens.
More often online dates will respond with a manufactured excuse about how it’s not a good time for them. My favorite excuse is a faux family emergency. It’s comical how often men and women draw from that well. That’s even more insulting than being ghosted, especially when you find out the emergency is that her 90-year-old great uncle is on his deathbed. Meanwhile you can see she’s still checking her dating profile every day.
This kind of rejection used to have me running for the hills and hiding from online dating for extended periods, but I would inevitably return because I realized online dating is the most effective way to meet single men and women. It took me years to learn my methods and perspective conflicted with each other. I took a shotgun approach (because dating is a numbers game), but I overanalyzed the minutia of every interaction. It was a recipe for disappointment.
my favorite rejection was the one I had recently, I talk about it on my S-Spot with Salty Vixen Podcast, here it is :
Since that revelation, I have reinvented myself. Dating is now fun in spite of all of the rejection. Maybe even because of the rejection. I’ve hacked online dating and since I’m not one to hoard knowledge, I am sharing it with you now in open source in hopes that you can use it too. Here are 6 tips I apply regularly that you can steal and make your own..
1. Own Your Bad Attributes
I get that you want to put your best foot forward in your profile, but there are some things you can’t hide. For example, if you are bald or have tats. Make a special point of selecting that attribute for hair color. Any person that isn’t blind will figure it out the instant we meet in person. It’s better to own the bad attribute beforehand because if that person filters out bald, tats, etc.. from their search it’s a deal breaker.
Be conservative on the attributes. You won’t be able to win her over with your charming personality after that person has branded you a liar. If you just finished a Couch to 5K program and decided to sign up for a marathon four months away, don’t delude yourself into saying your Athletic and Toned. Admit to yourself that you’re Average or even A Few Extra Pounds. You may get fewer responses but you’ll have better first dates and more frequent second dates.
2. Dare to Be Different
Most of the profiles say the same things. Anecdotally I estimate 90 percent of profiles say some version of 8 of the following statements:
- I love my family and friends
- I’m tired of the bar scene
- I’m a bit of a foodie
- I’m a jeans type of girl, but I also like to get dressed up
- I’m pretty low maintenance
- I love to travel
- I’m really into yoga…or running…or yoga AND running (Wow! She must really be in shape!)
- I’m looking for a partner in crime
- I don't do hookups! (men, do you ever read the woman's profiles? Especially when we write, I DO NOT DO HOOKUPS!)
What do any of these statements tell you? Nothing. Any person that proclaims they are low maintenance is by definition NOT low maintenance. What person advertises that they are high strung and hates their family?
I don’t know what kind of generic bullshit the bros I’m competing for attention with say to pimp themselves, but I bet it’s something about being into sports and not taking life too seriously… in fact, I’ll show you how carefree I am by posting a shirtless bathroom selfie. (Seriously. WTF! Why would anyone do that?)
I make a point of saying things that no one else would ever say. For example:
I have a music playlist called Happy Dance filled with dorky songs from the 80s that I listen to when I need an escape from work.
I have a standing game with friends where we text obscure words we discover when reading. (Even before Words with Friends) My most recent word is inchoate. Do you know what it means without looking it up?
I have a wellness plan (I seriously call it that. I’m not joking). I practice it daily. It includes sleep hygiene that I follow religiously every night.
You might be wondering why I would admit to any of this. It’s a fair point. It gets a conversation going AND men, to STOP SENDING DICK PICS! Seriously two things: Boner in boxer photo to text - yuck ! and the DICK PICS - fucking yuck! Don't send those photos unless you were asked OR you are in a relationship. Do you know what us women do with those photos? We share it with our gal friends and laugh and wondering wtf they are sending the photos! So, please STOP Sending the pictures! We get it you are horny! I am horny ,we are all horny but jack off instead of sending a dick pic or boner in boxer photos!
3. Standardize Your Intro
Time is a precious resource. Why waste it crafting original artistic prose for the hottie on online dating app when chances are they will never reply? You’re better off with a basic template that you can customize in 3 minutes. It doesn’t have to say much. In fact, less is more because that person busy too. They not going to spend more than 60 seconds reading it and thinking about you. Your only mission is saying that you’re interested in that person. The following has worked well for me.
Hi! I enjoyed reading your profile. [Insert whatever common interest you think you have. Pose a playful question if you can think of one.] Anyway, I think we’d get along. Feel free to check out my profile and respond if you agree. I hope to hear from you soon! —Salty Vixen
Done and done. Forget about it as soon as you send it because you’ll probably never hear from her. At least you didn’t waste 30 minutes writing creative nonfiction to impress that person.
4. Meet In Person- After this rule
You might get a glimpse into a that dating profile's personality by exchanging a bunch of emails and texts, or even having long phone conversations, but don’t pretend that you’ve established a real connection. All that fake rapport goes out the window the moment you meet in person. There’s no reason to be coy with online dating. You’ve both already established you’re looking and interested. Quit jerking around and suggest the two of you meet for drinks. There should be a 2-3 week calling and texting rule. Get to know each other, and then set up a date. Meet the person in a public place and have fun- but DO NOT expect oral sex afterwards, (yes a man said that to me!), enjoy like flirty friends, don't expect a kiss but if a kiss happens, bonus!
5. Standardize Your First Date
Right or wrong, guys are expected to take the lead here. You come off as an indecisive wimp when you force her to decide what to do and where to go. Even if the person pretends you’re an open-minded male feminist who lets her choose, you’ll be unhappy with her decision. Eighty percent of the time it will be meeting for coffee at lame-ass Starbucks. Don’t get me started on why coffee dates suck.
You want to do something you will enjoy. I like meeting at a trendy restaurant- something fun. I’m my best self at these places and my date picks up on that. It maximizes my chances for a second date. It also filters out the dating app people because if she dislikes my favorite bar we won’t work as a couple. The sooner I know that the better.
6. Rotate Apps and Sites
Online dating is fun at first, but the new person effect wears off quickly. After a few weeks you notice that it’s the same people logging in day after day. You’ve already swung and missed with the good looking folk and filtered out the rest. New people can’t show up soon enough and even when that happens every other dude pounces. It’s last call at the 4 am hookup bar, but online the bar never closes, forcing you to go home. You’re stuck in singles purgatory.
It took me a decade to figure out the mistake I repeated over and over again. I was always on the same site. That’s like going to the same bar 30 nights in a row and expecting the next time would be ‘the big night,’ which of course never happened. In the analog world I’d wise up and pick a different bar to mix things up.
The same option is available online. There are multiple mainstream dating websites and apps, and dozens of niche ones too. You can switch from one site to another when things get stale. Many sites are pay to play, so it makes sense to pace yourself. I focus attention on a single site for three months and if nothing happens I’ll move on to another. By the time I’ve batted around and am back at that the first site, I’m the new guy again and there are plenty of fresh faces to keep me motivated.
Final Thoughts
It’s easy to make online dating the scapegoat, but it’s a red herring you’re using to dupe yourself. Dating is fundamentally the same whether you meet online or in the real world. The obvious truth is that rejection is painful. You can run from this harsh reality by logging off. It’ll feel good in the moment, but that relief will turn into dread when you go dateless for six months. That’s because logging off is giving up. It’s the digital equivalent of taking your ball and going home.
I can’t predict when you’ll find love, but I’m confident that you won’t find the person of your dreams while staying home and playing with yourself. So get back online and keep looking. If things get hard remember these six steps because they work. How do I know? Good luck out there! AND BE SAFE!
