In my workplace there is a man who has been flirting with me for the last few months, and now he has asked if I would like to go out with him for after-work drinks. It is clear what he has in mind, and it is not a plutonic friendship. I do feel very attracted to him…he is good looking, successful and rich, but the catch is he is a married man. I have bought this fact up with him before, and he said he was separated, however I did some snooping and know that is not the case. I feel so confused, what can I do?” – BK, Tulsa
Thanks for your question BK, that’s a difficult situation you find yourself in.
Normally in this column I like to be balanced in how I approach issues; I like to look at the pros and cons, the positives and negatives, and present both sides of the equation.
However, in this case I am breaking from that usual style and just simply offering my forthright opinion…get completely out of this situation.
I know that is direct, but there are warning signs written all over it which may be difficult for you to clearly identify whilst you are actually living it day to day.
Congratulations on doing some of your own detective work and catching him in his lie. That immediately should be enough to ring the alarm bells so loudly that you should be running at a million miles an hour. The fact that he so clearly lied indicates he is looking for a “piece on the side”, and that should be an unacceptable position for any self-respecting woman.
There can be all sorts of arguments made by those who would choose to go ahead and become that “piece on the side”…maybe his wife doesn’t treat him well, maybe he is stuck in a loveless relationship, maybe you think you love him, maybe he is sexually frustrated, maybe life should be all about you and your needs regardless of the potential damage it can cause to others, maybe, maybe, maybe….maybe nothing. They are the poor rationalizations of the deluded, insecure and “Faux Empowered”; a way to try and explain behavior choices by those who are too selfish or weak to demonstrate levels of control, consideration and self-respect.
Even if any of those excuses are real, let him genuinely deal with them and sort them out completely like a man before getting involved with him.
I once worked with a woman who was a serial “bit on the side”; she would actively seek out married men to get herself into that role. In the three years I worked with her I lost count of the amount of train wrecked marriages she was involved in as a result.
I say involved with, not fully responsible for, because naturally it takes two to tango (men don’t get away that easily). Despite her protestations that she didn’t care; believe me she cared several years later when her newish husband repeated that same behavior to her, leaving her an absolute broken mess.
The problem was that because she had been “the other woman”, she was paranoid that it was going to happen to her. And when you carry some subversive guilt and have that thought constantly in mind, well, what do you think is going to happen? It’s just a matter of time.
Most situations of infidelity do not involve a serial mistress however, and tend to “just happen”. You may be having drinks, feeling a little tipsy and get carried away with the good feeling of the moment and the affair begins. You may be feeling a little down or lonely and he manages to say the right things, press the right buttons, and you just get swept away. Or there could be a chemical attraction which creates this insatiable and passionate desire to just have him.
These are all traps that life presents every so often. It is incredibly important to be aware of them and be capable of avoiding pitfalls like these by holding yourself to a higher level, understanding your wants and needs but still being mindful of potential consequences and respectful of relationships.
We would expect our men to make the same choices when we are in a serious relationship, so it is important to live within the same rules that we want in our own relationship. Most of us would know at least one woman who has been cheated on in a relationship, or sadly be that woman.
The pain, the heartache, the hurt, the practical hassles…who on Earth would ever want to stumble into something that could cause such things? Especially when there are children involved, which just makes the whole thing simply horrible.
The point is infidelity is a very serious topic, and affairs are hand-grenades just waiting to go off. What are the benefits of an affair? Possibly hot and heavy sex, emotional quick fixes…and I’m out of ideas. Balance that against the negatives; it is a very lop-sided equation.
Even if you did get together with him and he left his wife, would you ever trust him? Isn’t the best indicator of future behavior past behavior? It would be a doomed relationship even if you got to that point.
Life has a certain karmic element that tends to see our behaviors repeated onto us at some stage. Just like that woman I worked with, if you venture down that path then you have to expect that at some point it is going to bite you. And possibly bite you hard.
Tell this guy that you know he lied, you know he is still married, and ask if he feels good about what he is doing. Throw that last little spicy curveball in there to make him think at least a little about his behavior, and to show him you know his game. He may not care less, but in any case, the next thing you should do is tell the sleaze to get lost and sort out his issues like a man.
We women need to start looking out for each other a little more…you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I’m all for living for the moment, having lots of steamy and spontaneous sex, being a truly sexually empowered and erotic woman. But please, take my advice BK, stay well clear of getting into affairs with married men.
XOXO
