You don’t have to kiss a million frogs to get your own fairy tale ending. Learn from those of us who did and you can avoid the frogs altogether. While it's possible to develop feelings for just about anyone, it isn't possible that the particular person who has garnered your affection is worth it.
Lesson number one: You won't find Mr. or Mrs. Right if you're tied up with Mr. or Mrs. Wrong. Don’t feel bad about dropping your love interest if they exhibit signs of being a loser. The dating stage of a relationship is not the appropriate avenue for teaching someone how to be a winner. As one good man put it, “Life is not a rehearsal.” Don’t waste another minute with someone that will continue to disappoint you. This brings me to the next lesson.
Lesson number two: learn the signals to watch out for. From my experience with losers, which is much more than I care to admit, you can recognize one easily if you know what to look for. Below are tips on how to spot a loser. If your date fits in any of these categories, save yourself a lot of time, drama and grief...say goodbye and don’t look back.
Talking trash about their exes… Some of us really have dated a slew of ridiculous people (I got all this good advice from somewhere!), but even then, it is a good indicator of class when a person can hold back criticizing their ex on the first date. If they ridicule their past lovers in a way that makes you feel sorry for those people, or their comments are “below the belt,” take caution. That is a low class thing to do, but it's also an indicator of an emotionally abusive person. There are many other red flags for abusive partners, different than signs they’re a loser. Make sure to educate yourself on those as well.
Playing the blame game… If everything that has gone wrong in their life is someone else's fault, beware. They might be of the “victimized” mentality. Life can be really hard sometimes, but losers point out other’s blame and seek sympathy for their innocence. Winners look to themselves to make adjustments first, and are more likely to share with you want they have done to rectify a situation than fish for pity.
No job or poor job history… Unless they are a self-made millionaire that doesn’t need to work any longer, retired, in school, or recently widowed or injured, there is no good excuse for them not to have a job. Sometimes transitions from one job to another can take a while, but if they are chronically jobless, don’t even consider dating them. They are mooching off others, and you will be next! A poor job history indicates someone with little work ethic, undefined goals, and low stamina. If their list of excuses in longer than their resume, don’t invest another minute in them.
Non-driver… There are certain milestones one should conquer before bringing another person on board for the ride. Driving is one of them. If they don’t have a license, they are probably extremely lazy or have some irresponsible behavior that makes them legally unable to get one. There are a few good excuses not to drive, but if they don’t have one, let them work on that and get back to you. Having a car is another story. If they need one and don’t have one, you could assume that they are in a transition period. Remember that relationships that begin during rough times require care and caution.
Signs of current or recent alcohol or drug issues… If they do any drugs at all, you can make some fairly safe assumptions about where they are on their life journey. Using drugs indicates a low level of maturity and slippery ethics. If you are on the other side of that moral line than your perspective partner, do not even consider a relationship with them. You would be setting yourself up for a world of pain. You will always come second to drugs and alcohol to an addict. Signs are not always evident, especially to the untrained eye. There are many physical, emotional, and social signs of alcohol and drug abuse, too many to list. Educate yourself on the signs to save yourself from being fooled.
Mocks others to impress… If their idea of showing off is making fun of other people, that’s a clue to how interesting they are. Drop them, and teach them a lesson in the mean time. Once you are in a relationship, it’s all good to have some fun counting all the mullets at the county fair, but you’d better know each other well enough to know it is innocent silliness. The line is crossed when the person is poking fun to make themselves look better. When jokes are judgments, they aren’t funny any more. It signals low self-esteem and lack of self-reflection.
Not friendly with the family… Big red flags should pop up if they don’t get along with their family. It probably goes for both men and women, but I can say for sure that the way a man treats his mother is a good indicator of how he will treat you. If he is kind and loving to her, you might expect him to love you that way as well. Likewise, if he disrespects her, prepare yourself for worst. If he keeps his mother in the dark about his life, he will lie to you as well. Most people have at least one person in their family that is difficult to get along with, but when people are not on speaking terms with many family members, that is usually a clue that they don’t have the skills necessary to have a healthy relationship.
Delinquent parent… Delinquent parents are full of bad excuses. The biggest losers are people who don’t take care of their children.
Too many baby’s mammas (or daddies)… At some point, one has to be responsible enough to stop having children with people they aren’t committed to. If your date has five children, each a year and a half apart in age, with five different parents, they have earned the title of Stupid and Selfish. They’ve got a lot of smart moves to make before they get off the loser list.
Obsessed with porn… Obsession with porn is detrimental to one’s perspective on love and sex. If there is porn in every room, arriving in the mail on a regular basis, or if porn is a regular part of your sex life, it’s probably more than an occasional indulgence. They will need to discover what sex is really about before they will be let out of the “loser” box.
Shady business… You can tell a lot from how people deal with others, especially when it comes to money and business. If they cheat and lie in that arena, you can bet they will cheat and lie at home as well.
Criminal history… Unfortunately, reform is unlikely for the criminal mind. Repeat criminal behavior accounts for the vast majority of our prison inmate population. Just a few infractions here and there? Be smart; go with your gut.
If you are already in a relationship and your current partner falls into the "loser" category, make the right choice and get out of it. It's time to face reality and realize your partner just isn't ready for a healthy relationship. Save yourself the regret of lost years with someone who doesn’t match up to your character, integrity, motivation, and wisdom. Set yourself free and live up to your own potential.
