Sometimes for the sake of your relationship, you must lie. No big lies, no coordinating of alibis, none of that shit like you see on TV shows such as "Walker, Texas Ranger Reboot" (Jared Padalecki is smokin' hot on that show!)....Just little lies… like that song, “tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies, tell me lies, tell me tell me lies….” from: Fleetwood Mac. Well it’s dead on.The most popular lie in relationships: Do I look fat in this? “No honey, you look beautiful. You’re always beautiful.”
This is the sort of lie I’m talking about. Now sometimes it’s clear you’re lying, in which case don’t bother. (ex: if he asks you if you can tell he has man-boobs underneath this shirt, and his tits are 40Ds, then don’t bother lying. It’s just hurting both of you.) But if there’s a possibility you’re telling the truth, both of you will accept the lie because it could conceivably be true.
For example: “Our kids won’t be like that. They’ll be different. They’ll be well-behaved.” But then again, you married/dating/in a relationship readers may know by now that’s a big fat blatant kick-you-in-the-shins lie.
Here is a more detailed list of thing lies you should tell to protect your relationship. Especially if it’s new, somewhat new, old, or fragile. Note: if the proper/false answer does not have the desired effect, proceed cautiously with either sex (ie pleasing the offended partner until he/she forgets what original topic was) or profuse apologizing. If apologizing occurs, this was not my fault for my scripted proper answers, it was your fault for not lying better.
For Her Sake:
Is this woman on the cover of Victoria’s Secret prettier than me?
True answer: According to the dick-meter, she’s SPANKIN’ HOT, whoooop whooooop!
Proper answer: Eh. She’s ok. Not my type. But YOU, sweetie, you’re my type!
Does my butt look big in this?
True answer: Uh, well, J. Lo’s big butt is in style now, right? ‘Cause baby, you could booty-shake her off ANY stage.
Proper answer: Oh sweetie, you ass looks wonderful.
True answer: I’m dating you because of your big ass. With an ass like that I thought you would be all about the anal sex. Obviously I was wrong, which is why I hope you never find the 4 gigs of porn on my computer.
Wrong answer: I love your ass! So when are you going to let me hit that?
Does it bother you that I’ve been with so many other guys?
True answer: Excuse me? “SO MANY other guys?!” Slut. Whore.
True answer: Every night after I make love to you, a part of me dies inside.
True answer: How dare you have slept with more people than me! I’m supposed to be The Man, not you!
Proper answer: Not at all! It’s in the past. Besides, I’m the one who benefits from you being able to deep throat, sweetie.
Do you think my best friend is hot?
True answer: paSHAWWWWW! Mmm, I’d spank that shit SO HARD. Oooooh, THREESOME! I KNOW WHAT I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY OH PLEASE OH PLEASE.
Proper answer: Who? Jennifer? Oh, don’t be silly. Guys don’t like girls with huge tits like that.
Do you think about other people while we’re having sex?
True answer: uh, YEAH. Your sister, your best friend, the UPS chick, the sandwich chick, my boss in that skirt of hers, Jessica Rabbit, my third-grade math teacher, your mother, your other sister….
Proper answer: Of course not. I’m thinking about you! I’m not attracted to anyone else.
Agh! Look at that girl, she’s dressed like such a slut! Don’t you think so?
True answer: —– (blood.rushing.to.penis.)
Proper answer: Agh! SUCH a slut.
True answer: Dirty dirty slut… I bet you talk dirty too, don’t you, you dirty dirty slut…
For His Sake:
Do you wish I was big and muscular like Brad Pitt or any Hollywood star who had to buff it up to be in a movie, such Troy or Thor?
True answer: Mmm… Brad Pitt in Troy… my nipples just got hard.
Proper answer: What, oh HIM? Eh. He’s not my type. I don’t like guys whose pecks are super defined like that.
Am I better in bed than your last boyfriend?True answer:You mean Stan the Man? The boyfriend who made me come so hard I blacked out and swore to name my first child after him?
Proper answer: Oh, don’t be silly. Of course you are! You’re so nice and.. gentle… –sigh–
So what did you think of my best friend?
True answer: Dumbass. Who smelled. Like ass. Dying old man ass.
Proper answer: He’s… nice! What an interesting scent he had… He’s very…. bohemian.
Is my dick smaller than average? Tell me the truth.
True answer: No, it’s not small. In comparison to the average 8- to 11- year-old boy.
Proper answer #1: Is that the phone I hear ringing? The office is supposed to call…
Proper answer #2: No. (as in, “No, I will not tell you the truth.” It’s all in the literal interpretation)
Proper answer #3: It’s fine, honey! It’s exactly as much as I need.
True answer: But then again I’m 5′1″ and have a freakishly shallow vagina, according to my gynecologist.
Do you think about other people while we’re having sex?
True answer: um, YEAH. Brad Pitt, the lawn boy from Desperate Housewives, your brother, your imaginary twin brother (since it apparently would take two of you to get me off properly), my yoga instructor if he were straight, your other brother, my art professor, my last boss, the bank teller, that hot chick at the gym, Matthew McCaughnewhatshisname, the carpool dad who winked at me…
Proper answer: what? did you say something?
Does it bother you that I have a third nipple?
True answer: It bothers me that you have it pierced.
Proper answer: Not at all! That huge hairy mole makes it barely noticeable!
Does it bother you that I don’t go down on you very often?
True answer: Yes. Asshole. Why am I dating you again?
Proper answer: Yes. Asshole. Why am I dating you again?
*There are times when you really need to be honest.
