1. The Upper Peninsula
Night of: Attempting to finish a keg that needs to be returned. Throughout the session, one of your huskier friends will insist on performing the "lift test" every few minutes, and will repeatedly tell you you're "getting close."
Symptoms: Renal failure.
Cure: A single slice of cold pizza.
2. The Spray Tan
Night of: Beer and tiki drinks after many hours of direct sun.
Symptoms: Mild nausea, dehydration, melanoma.
Cure: A smoothie of fruit, aloe vera, and raw egg.
3. The Secret Shopper
Night of: Consumption of products bought after alcohol sales cease for the night (cooking wine, vanilla extract, etc.)
Symptoms: Memory loss, nausea, rosemary poisoning.
Cure: Pancakes and pork chops.
4. The Colonel Sanders
Night of: Various "classy" Southern drinks (mint juleps, Southern Comfort, etc.).
Symptoms: headache lasting two or more days, duel commitments.
Cure: Sweating into a linen suit for an entire afternoon.
5. The General Lee
Night of: Moonshine.
Symptoms: Blindness, hollerin'.
Cure: Mama Jessup's Pine Creek Possum Stew (Stu's Backwoods BBQ, page 57).
6. The Missouri Compromise
Night of: Beer and fortified wine.
Symptoms: Headache, mullet.
Cure: One full-strength dose of Don't Give a Damn.
7. The Dean Martin
Night of: 15-30 martinis with limited food.
Symptoms: Laryngitis, "Escort Rash".
Cure: 15-30 Bloody Marys with limited food.
8. The Stooge
Night of: Hard alcohol near broken glass or other sharp objects.
Symptoms: Blood loss, influence on later bands.
Cure: Cipro.
9. The Lion in Winter
Night of: Ale in tandem with "pub food" (pies not involving fruit, potatoes in inconvenient shapes, etc).
Symptoms: Semi-permanent weight gain of 10-15% of previous body mass.
Cure: Military service in India or Rhodesia.
10. The Hogarth
Night of: Home-brewed gin and strong English ale.
Symptoms: Madness, loss of consonants.
Cure: "Throw upon ye smoten a medleye… of hollyhock, ground ewe, and Turk's Ear. Proceed until the Demon departeth through the mouthe, or killeth him asunder" (Cadwallader Variouse Cures, p. 62)-via amazon.com
11. The Himmler in Argentina
Night of: Beer and peppermint schnapps.
Symptoms: nausea, monocles, persistent fresh breath.
Cure: Malaria.
12. The Forbes 500
Night of: Martinis and alcoholic punch at an office party or convention.
Symptoms: Headache, embarrassing letters to The Economist.
Cure: 8-10 hours of sleep on the floor of an executive washroom.
13. The Sommelier
Night of: Wine tasting that eventually becomes just drinking.
Symptoms: Headache, false sense of culture.
Cure: Anything from Dairy Queen.
14. The Joseph Smith
Night of: Copious amounts of 3.2% beer.
Symptoms: light nausea, sore kidneys.
Cure: High-altitude hiking, polygamy.
15. The Mr. Boston Strangler
Night of: Forcing a mixer to work with an inappropriate liquor, i.e. margarita mix with Jagermeister.
Symptoms: Shakiness, hernia.
Cure: A drop of morning dew from a single white rose.
16. The Frat Paddle
Night of: Keg beer and marijuana.
Symptoms: Dizziness, "bro voice."
Cure: Raw cookie dough and microwaved bacon.
17. The Willie N.
Night of: Whiskey and marijuana.
Symptoms: "Lot lizard voice," persistent cough, nausea.
Cure: Scrambled eggs, and more whiskey and marijuana.
18. The Jerry G.
Night of: Beer in tandem with multiple hallucinogenics.
Symptoms: Disorientation, headache.
Cure: Recording yourself jamming with friends; talking about how "awesome" it sounds between each song.
19. The Janis J.
Night of: Variant of the Dancing Bear that also includes any hard alcohol.
Symptoms: Auditory and visual hallucinations, disorientation.
Cure: Writing, directing, and starring in a short experimental film, which should be destroyed immediately.
20. The Lizard King
Night of: Southern Comfort and peyote.
Symptoms: Dizziness, tinnitis.
Cure: Ask your spirit animal.
21. The Hollywood Bowl
Night of: Alcohol and powder drugs.
Symptoms: Suicidal thoughts, dehydration, five-record deals with Sony.
Cure: Yoga, cheeseburgers.
22. The Great White North
Night of: Labatt’s and Seagram’s 7.
Symptoms: Headache, Canadian accent.
Cure: Anything from Tim Horton’s.
23. The Chemistry Set
Night of: non-food products containing alcohol (Binaca, rubbing alcohol).
Symptoms: memory loss, insanity, superpowers.
Cure: Standing near high-voltage power lines.
24. The Crunk ‘n Disorderly
Night of: Cough syrup and alcohol.
Symptoms: Apocalyptic headache, disorientation.
Cure: Platinum teeth, fried food.
25. The Great Pumpkin
Night of: Beer and candy, but no food.
Symptoms: Giggling.
Cure: Diabetic shock.
26. The Czech Mate
Night of: Strong pilsner and absinthe.
Symptoms: Nausea, symbolist poetry.
Cure: Roast duck, “Absinthe-tinis.”
27. The Candiru
Night of: Caipirinhas and fried food.
Symptoms: Nausea, DTs.
Cure: Samba dancing, or, if unattractive, watching people samba dance.
28. The Ice Pirate
Night of: Generally occurs when attempting to “break in” a new blender, which involves blending even those drinks that are not generally blended (Manhattans, Martinis, etc.)
Symptoms: Debilitating sailboat docking fees, lost saltshakers.
Cure: Scrambled eggs and bitters.
29. The Spice Pirate
Night of: Bacardi 151.
Symptoms: Burnt curtains from late-night firebreathing, splitting headache behind eyeballs.
Cure: Conscription by a Dutch merchant fleet, constant whipping with Indonesian birch.
30. The East Egg
Night of: A large number of different drinks, all of which involve gin.
Symptoms: Juniper poisoning, partial drowning.
Cure: Wealth.
31. The False Idol
Night of: Any combination of sweet drinks consumed from a tiki-head glass.
Symptoms: Nausea, persistent sand.
Cure: Throwing someone, or something valuable, into a volcano.
32. The Pineapple Express
Night of: Any combination of “fun” tiki drinks (Mai Tais, Beachcombers, etc.).
Symptoms: Light nausea, diabetes.
Cure: Dried seaweed.
33. The Press Gang
Night of: Variant of the False Idol resulting from imbibing only tiki drinks with dark/violent names (Zombie, Shrunken Head, Suffering Bastard, etc).
Symptoms: Crushing headache, dizziness, neck tattoos.
Cure: Keel-hauling, followed by a Denver omelette.
34. The Blue Hawaiian
Night of: Drinks involving huge amounts of food coloring.
Symptoms: Light nausea, uvula cancer.
Cure: Saltwater and cherry pie.
35. The Dead Soul
Night of: Vodka interspersed throughout any number of other drinks.
Symptoms: Nausea, acceptance of serfdom.
Cure: “In proportion as the exploitation of one individual by another is put an end to, the exploitation of one nation by another will also be put an end to. In proportion as the antagonism between classes within the nation vanishes, the hostility of one nation to another will come to an end.”
36. The Glasnost
Night of: Consumption of vodka for more than 12 hours.
Symptoms: Potato-like appearance and personality.
Cure: Potatoes.
37. The Gulag
Night of: A clear, odorless spirit, provided by someone you only later realize was not a friend of anyone in attendance.
Symptoms: Semi-permanent blindness, hand tattoos.
Cure: Bathing in filtered vodka.
38. The Chinaski
Night of: Beer, followed by several varieties of cooking wine; often an attempt to stifle writer’s block.
Symptoms: Will often produce no usable work, and instead require cleaning vomit out of a typewriter.
Cure: “She was built like a ’52 Chrysler and swore like a sailor… a good hard ride.”
39. The Cuban Missile Crisis
Night of: Alcohol in tandem with cigar smoking; occurs with greatest frequency at bachelor parties.
Symptoms: In severe cases, symptoms include “cometing,” (coughing and vomiting simultaneously).
Cure: A foot-long sandwich of ham, turkey, pickles, cheese, and mustard (AKA “The Cuban Sandwich Crisis”).
40. The Borgnine
Night of: Consuming all alcoholic drinks, non-alcoholic drinks, and food in a refrigerator.
Symptoms: Nausea, fearful notes from roommates.
Cure: Transcendental meditation.
41. The Personal Best
Night of: A post-workout drinking session that becomes intimate.
Symptoms: Headache, awkwardness.
Cure: Orange juice, rhythmic high-fiving.
42. The Venus in Furs
Night of: Near-death from inhalants, vodka, and autoerotic asphyxiation.
Symptoms: Apocalyptic headache.
Cure: Doing it again right now.
43. The Michael Phelps
Night of: Marijuana and Coors.
Symptoms: Headache, prolonged loss of endorsements.
Cure: Carrie Prejean.
44. The Mile High Club
Night of: Drinking throughout a long-distance flight.
Symptoms: Dehydration, jet lag.
Cure: Being slapped by a flight attendant.
45. The Sherpa
Night of: Drinking at high altitude.
Symptoms: Dehydration, severe headache.
Cure: Pancakes with yak butter.
46. The Jack Tripper
Night of: Going on two or more dates involving drinking in one night.
Symptoms: Exhaustion, memory loss.
Cure: None needed.
47. The Jack Palance
Night of: Drinking during robust exercise.
Symptoms: Muscle spasm, testosterone poisoning.
Cure: anything on Netflix.
