Bacchanalian Fare:
Herein we shall list the type and number of intoxicants with increasing toxicity.
Music
Here, it’s a good idea to take a page from the Barney Stinson playbook (How I Met Your Mother, remember that awesome classic show? Love!) and make yourself a super awesome Get Psyched Mix. His mix follows (with links to music videos), but feel free to listen to it, get a sense of its pathos, and make your own. The key elements here are a hard-rockin hook with lyrics that are easy to sing, remember, and sound good drunk.
1) I Wanna Rock — Twisted Sister
2) You Give Love A Bad Name — BJ (Bon Jovi)
3) Lick It Up — KISS
4) Paradise City — GNR (Guns & Roses)
5) Dancing With Myself — Billy Idol
6) Rock You Like A Hurricane — Scorpy (Scorpions)
7) Panama — Van Halen
8) Talk Dirty To Me — Poison
9) Thunderstruck — AC/DC
10) Dr. Feelgood — Crue (Motley Crue)
11) Round and Round — Ratt
Girls
We’re not talking about a pan-sexual bizarre of fleshly pleasures. Although, we’re not ruling it out, and we certainly encourage that if that’s what tickles your pickle (and the bride signs off). No, we’re talking about hostesses. Women who are paid for their pleasurable company (probably in free drinks). Also in this vein are sexy wait staff, sexy limo drivers, sexy masseuses. Despite what you hear, these are the girls under “escort” in the phone book. Some of them, indeed, might sell sex too. Bust they’re more akin to Geishas. If you’re in a big city (as you should be), just Google it or check the phone book. It’s literally that easy. Just try and maximize the sexiness of your servicepeople throughout, and you’re good to go. Strippers we’ll go into more detail later, but they should probably be a part of the evening unless explicitly forbidden by the bachelor himself.
Pro tip: An important ritual for the bachelor party is to force the groom to (almost) pick up a girl. He can use a fake name, fake information — he can do whatever he wants. But he has to get her number and/or get her to agree to meet up with him at a later time. He cannot be allowed to follow through, but it is necessary to make him feel like his marriage is not a castration. He’s still got it. Just cause he’s putting all his money on one horse, man, doesn’t mean the dude can’t watch the races.
Food
Traditionally masculine food is par for the course here. Something like an entire pig cooked in the Earth. Or something that, if you finish it, warrants the establishment in which you eat it to give you free gifts. Steak, seafood, whiskey, and potatoes are also good, but not necessarily in that order. The point here, is that the experience of what you’re eating should be one hell of an experience. Good food is just good, and the groom is going to have hundreds of fine meals in his life. Perhaps he’s a more danger-loving sort. A more efficient solution may be to either cook your own meat at a BBQ (which is always man-tisfying and delicious) or have a stripper deliver it. Yes. You can do that.
Cigars
We have a theory here: Nobody really likes cigars. Certainly nobody likes their first cigar, and it takes even longer to grow on you than beer does after your first beer. But, like bachelor parties themselves, it’s a symbolic, status thing. You will smoke that cigar just like you did when it was legal at 18, just like you will when you have your first son, and just like you would if you were pinned down and about to go out in a blaze of glory and your seargenat was all, “Smoke ’em if you got ’em.” A few, common beginner cigars you can find at your local tobacconist (or online) are the following: CAO Criollo,Macanudo Hyde Park, Arturo Fuente Curly Head, and Montecristo No. 4
Alcohol
Unless you’ve got a bachelor party full of teetotalers (statistically unlikely, especially if you’re reading this on so awesome a site as mademan.com), you’re going to want to be fully stocked in the booze department. Here are the liquors you should have in descending order of importance: Champagne, whiskey, gin, vodka. These are both manly and celebratory libations. Hynotiq, for reference, is neither. Tequila is advised against since it is distilled from the blood of los diablos. However, if you’ve committed, as a group, to as highly-debaucherous a time as possible, then do what you gotta do.
