I am by no means an expert at sex, but I AM an expert at fucking things up during sex, so take heed, young readers, at these embarrassing situations that await you (or that you've probably already experienced):
Things are turning SEXY, and you are PREPARED! You just bought a new 12-pack of condoms... and they're in the other room, still in a CVS bag located directly in between your roommate and your roommate's parents visiting for the weekend.
After a covert rescue mission wearing a towel but not showering (inconspicuous!) now you have to open the plastic in the dark, desperately grasping for that little sticking-out corner part while pathetically lighting it with your cell phone, every second feeling like an eternity, while your partner lays there naked thinking "if they're this skilled at opening plastic, they must be AWESOME at fucking!"
Things are getting interesting... but you kinda have to pee. You're faced with what's known as The Sexer's Dilemma: Either stop and say "I have to use the bathroom real quick," which is about the least romantic thing anyone can possibly do, or plow through it and proceed to have sex anyway and run the risk of being distracted the whole time by wanting to pee and possibly being unable to finish because your body's just confused by all the fluids. This is a medical fact.
(Sidenote: I have not had sex since coining the term "The Sexer's Dilemma")
For women, this means a possible urinary tract infection. For guys, it means waking up the next morning and peeing in directions you never knew were possible -- like, 4-dimensional quantum-mechanics-defying piss streams -- then tiredly cleaning it up with the 4 remaining dabs of toilet paper.
The overall takeaway here is that peeing before and after sex is WAY more crucial in real life than movies would have you believe. All the pissing scenes in The Notebook got cut in the final version.
Oh HELL YEAH, you're so passionate and spontaneous you're gonna fuck RIGHT HERE ON THIS HOTEL BATHROOM SINK!!!
Five seconds in, you both realize how uncomfortable this is, but you can't bow out now or you'll know you're not as cool & spontaneous as you want the other person to believe, but you also don't want to literally injure your private parts while also freezing.
There's only one solution: keep at it for a token amount of time, then aggressively switch locations and both act like this new switch is you being EVEN MORE cool & spontaneous, and not just obviously switching away from the shitty terrible spot you just tried. Because you're up for ANYTHING. You're both COOL SEXPEOPLE who can SEX ANYWHERE.
Here's another dilemma: When sleeping with someone for the first time, do you go fully 100% all-out and whip out your couple go-to moves, or do you keep things mostly standard then gradually introduce more and more stuff with each subsequent session?
If you choose the former, you might run out of stuff to do the second or third time you're sleeping together and reveal yourself to not quite be the Ultimate Sexmaster you initially pretended to be. But if you don't go all-out from the getgo, you run the risk of the other person not wanting to sleep with you a second time, making everything moot.
WHAT DO YOU DO??? Having sex is such a taxing calculation!!!
Oh shit, you're out of condoms. No wait! You actually have one more! But it's a Happy Feet 2 themed condom and you have no idea where it came from, but it's been in your bedside drawer since 2012 along with a wet nap from a seafood restaurant, a 2 Euro coin and 14 pushpins rolling around.
How bad could it be, though? It's just a piece of rubber or whatever.
Oh. Ohhh no. This isn't gonna be a pleasurable experience for any of the parties involved.
This is a fun lesson that people of any gender usually learn the hard way: When you head south to perform pleasure-ful acts upon your partner, make sure to be aware of the weird contorted body position you're in, because you might be there for a while depending on your mutual drunkenness and/or unfamiliarity with each others' preferences.
If you're craning your neck at a bizarre angle and crushing your own left hand, you're going to be in extreme discomfort long before your partner is in extreme ecstasy, and probably long after as well.
ALSO: When you enter your 30s, your chances of injuring your neck during oral sex increase ten billionfold. (SOURCE: Medical Journal of Trust Me)
Having sex in the shower sounds great in theory and sometimes is great, but remember, hot water relaxes your muscles, and your body is really accustomed to relaxing in the shower, so it can be a weird adjustment to suddenly tense up your muscles for passionate sex while being pelted with a steamy relaxing water-stream (or standing outside that stream and freezing).
And let's be honest: the "erect but also relaxed" penis is just a complicated thing for both of you to deal with.
OH GOD, your Spotify's on shuffle. You can't get up mid-sex and turn it off, right? But what if Who Let The Dogs Out comes on?? Are you gonna stop and explain that you added it ironically after you and your high school friend were joking about it five weeks ago? Nah, just leave it. Now you're thinking about the song Who Let The Dogs Out instead of concentrating on the best human physical experience. This isn't ideal.
OK, FINE, SHUT IT OFF. Now proceed to keep having sex while quietly hearing your roommate watching some movie that you're now trying to identify instead of concentrating on the sex. I think that's James Franco's voice? Ahh this is distracting. Would it be bad form to check IMDB on your phone real quick?
This is probably more of a male issue, but the most recent time you've 'finished' can severely affect future lovemaking sessions. If you've masturbated earlier that day and multiple times in the past few days, you could be in for an unpleasant marathon session of not-finishing, whereas if you've held off and not done anything for too many days, you might be in for more of a 100-second-dash, so to speak.
Maintaining a proper balance of 'most recent time masturbated' is a critical component to enjoyable sex. Which, if I haven't convinced you by now, should be an extremely clinical, tax-return-like endeavour with tons of planning involved.
