Charged with shooting hundreds of hours of hours of hardcore sex each year the sticky valley isn’t beyond making stuff up to keep things interesting. Though cynics claim it’s all been done before, even pervs are regularly surprised by pornographers inventiveness.
Many non-coprophilics where shocked to see Max Hardcore put his recently anally ensconced cock directly into a woman mouth for the first time more than a decade ago, and then there was Skeeter Kerkove putting 164 into his then-wifes ass my preconceptions about 160 chopsticks being the utensil-in-the-ass ‘speed of light’ were shattered.
Unfortunately porn’s still spreading ideas that range from questionable to outrageous. Here are three which need to be ended now.
Clit slapping
Given that there are only three orifices on a human you can park a penis in (excluding that girl I dated with the glass eye) it’s not surprising that one of the favored porn moves is adding a novel interpretation to basic three position sex (There are only three distinct sexual positions outside zero gravity or a swimming pool. You’re either facing each other, facing away from each other or at it sideways. The rest is arm movements and various ways of standing up or falling over.)
Slapping the cheeks with the cock is the dumbest variation currently popular, it’s not as if slapping a woman with a sausage has ever been a fetish outside Frankfurt, and I’ve never met a guy who liked to tap his knob to orgasm - but at least it doesn’t hurt.
Clit slapping, the porn stunt where frantic oral sex is punctuated with a three or four finger jab to the lady junk, is teaching a generation of teenagers a trick that’s going to lead to a lot of them hearing ‘Christ that fucking hurts you asshole!’ during what should be a tender moment.
Sure some people like it rough, but some guys like to be kneed in the balls and you don’t see that in many mainstream porn movies. Clit slapping’s popularity is therefore totally bizzare.
Hard Fucking
Tenacious D immortalized it in song but porn missed the joke. For some reason your average male performer has one speed setting and it’s ‘Energizer’.
A hell-for-leather-all-out-sex-attack is something you learn while wanking to Rocco DVD’s and listening to Incubus before you try it with a partner to discover that it only works 10% of the time and half of that’s when she’s trying to deliberately finish you off (this is mainly a guy problem).
Pumping most women to a screaming orgasm achieved without any direct clitoral stimulation is as likely as Uri Geller owning-up to bending those spoons on his chair when we’re not looking. Why is it the core of every other sex scene?
Squirting
I’m going to get comments on this one so read this carefully or risk missing the point.
Porn movies have popularized female ejaculation to the point where you can now buy ‘All Girl Bukkake’ DVD’s. Worse yet, some women now worry that they’re missing out because they don’t squirt.
Fact: Some women can eject fluid when they come.
…but let’s not rush to call it female ejaculation.
Putting aside that there’s no reason for female ejaculation to have evolved and that women lack a prostate gland (calling the paraurethral glands the ‘female prostate’ doesn’t get round this) you also have to consider that when you catheterize a female ‘squirter’ you find that what’s being squirted comes from her bladder.
Pornographers know this too. On the set of a squirting movie you’ll notice an excess of empty Evian bottles and bathroom breaks coupled with a distinct lack of anyone who believes their watching women who fake for a living having the sex of their lives three takes in a row.
For people who claim that, like supposed psychic ability, squirting’s a ‘hidden’ capability we’ve lost over time, there’s still no way to address the fact that the half-litre fountains seen in porn films are too large to be anything but pee. If there is anything to female ejaculation it’s got to be a tiny amount of stuff from an organ we don’t yet understand. Drips and dribbles? Maybe. Mugfulls at high velocity? Fuck off.
(Interestingly when you test that fluid it turns out to be of a different composition than “normal” urea - but to call anything from the bladder ‘ejaculate’ rather than ‘pee’ is politics not science.)
Making women paranoid they’re missing out by doing something no-one can find a quantifiable reason for is silly. Believe that what’s sold in porn movies is anything other than a modified golden-shower is stupidity. Besides – women get to have kids. Can’t men at least maintain an exclusive on stuff shooting out of our junk when we’re excited?
The jizz-bizz will happily continue to sell unicorn shit to anyone willing to buy it. Pity the clit-slapped, hard fucked, non-ejaculating women growing up around this stuff who only realize they’ve been had when they’re 35. Isn’t porn supposed to be liberating?
