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Have much thought have you taken for the time you spend after your vows?

You're happily engaged, and soon you will be married to the light of your life. Before you get lost in piles of invitations, dresses and flowers, make sure you take a moment to connect with your partner about how your future will be. It is important to know without any doubts how you plan on raising your kids, how you will address your spiritual beliefs, or even what will happen if one of you has an affair! Couples who talk about these types of concerns before they say "I do" have an easier engagement experience and have longer lasting relationships.

Below you'll find a series of questions that will help initiate meaningful discussion on crucial relationship topics. Remember to treat this time seriously. A marriage is a lifetime commitment that requires serious thought about who you are committing yourself to. These questions will help you make sure you are actually in love with the person you are marrying and not just in love with the idea of getting married.

To begin, set aside an uninterrupted period of time when you can talk openly about these topics. Odds are you will not get to every question in one time period. One idea you may try is to set aside one night a week to talk about your future plans. When you get married you can use this same time period as a special date/intimate night. Remember to allow your partner the opportunity to express their feelings completely before expressing your opinions. Do not negate what they are saying if you disagree. Everyone is entitled to his or her own way of thinking. It is your job as a couple to find an agreeable solution.

QUESTIONS:

About A Relationship
What is your idea of an ideal relationship?

Who are your relationship role models? And why?
What role do you feel the husband plays?
What role do you feel the wife plays?
What responsibilities should a husband have?
What responsibilities should a wife have?
What is your idea of romance?
What does the term being in love mean to you?
How do you envision your relationship will be ten years from now?
How do you envision your relationship will be twenty-five years from now?
How do you envision your relationship will be fifty years from now?
Describe your idea of the perfect couple.
What do you feel is the most important aspect of keeping a relationship together?
How do you plan on keeping your relationship alive?
What vows do you promise to keep to your partner to ensure marital bliss?

Communication Guidelines

How do you plan on handling disagreements?
What do you believe compromise means?
When you are upset, how do you prefer to handle your emotions?
Do you feel your partner is listening to you when you explain your feelings?
Do you feel your partner understands and acknowledges your communication?
How important do you feel communication is to a marriage?
What subjects do you think every married couple should talk about?
When, do you feel, would it be appropriate to keep something from your spouse?
Do you feel not telling your partner about something is a form of lying?
If you had something unpleasant you needed to tell you partner, how would you approach them?
If your partner had something unpleasant they needed to tell you, how would you want them to approach you?
If you ever felt you were unable to control your temper, what precautionary method would you use?
Do you have a way to communicate to each other they are coming close to crossing the line with you?
Who usually apologizes first?
What is your idea of meaningful apology?
What would you need to have happen to feel like your partner had absolved themselves from any wrongdoing they might have done?

Financial Times

Who should make more money?
Who should be the primary income provider?
What are your financial goals as a couple for the next five years?
What are your financial goals as a couple for the next ten years?
What are your financial goals as a couple for the next twenty years?
Do you plan on buying a house together? If so, when and how will you achieve this?
What will you do if one of you is unemployed for a lengthy period of time?
How will you decide on buying major purchases?
What amount of money makes something a major purchase?
Who will control the financial responsibilities of the household? (Bill paying, etc.)
How much money should you allot for entertainment spending?

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Household Responsibilities

What do you consider "clean" to mean?
What do you consider "dirty" to mean?
What expectations do you have towards the upkeep of your home?
How much effort do you plan to contribute to the upkeep of your home?
Who should be responsible for daily meals, grocery shopping, etc.?
If both people in a couple work, how should the division of household chores be split?
If only one person works, what do you feel the other person should be responsible for?
How would you tell your partner if you felt the responsibilities load became too unbalanced?
What would you do if your partner felt you weren't contributing enough to the household?

Love and Sex

What do you feel is a healthy sexual relationship?
What, in your opinion, are the signs that a sexual relationship may not be as good as it could be?
How often do you expect to make love to your partner?
Do you and your partner have differing sexual appetites?
What was the most revealing sexual topic you've ever talked with your partner about?
Have you held back communication about any sexual desires or fantasies?
What is your secret sexual fantasy?
What would be your ideal romantic encounter with your partner?
What do you expect of your partner romantically?
How do you feel your partner should communicate their love for you?
How important are anniversaries and romantic holidays to you?
If you ever feel the passion is waning in your relationship what steps would you both take to bring it back?

Raising Kids

Would one of you quit work to raise your children?
At what point do you feel you would like to have children?
How will you handle disagreements about the way to raise your children?
What expectations do you have for your children's education?
How do you think parents should discipline their children?
What type of environment do you feel is unsafe for children?
Would you consider limiting the type of children or people your children have access to?
What would you do if you didn't like your friend's children?
How much time would you devote to spending specifically with your children each week?
Will you want your children to be involved in extra-curricular programs such as dance, sports, gymnastics, music, theatre, etc.?
What type of romantic relationships would you like for your children to have?
Will you raise your children to believe a specific spiritual belief?
What lessons did you learn as a child you would like your children to learn?
What would you never do your child that your parents did to you?
What would you make sure your child has that you never did?

Social Circles

How much time do you plan to spend with family and friends?
How do you feel about having girls or guys nights out?
Do you feel your partner spends too much time with friends or family?
If social obligations start to impede on family life, what actions should you as a couple take?
What would you do if your partner doesn't like one of your friends?
What would you do if your partner doesn't like one of your family members?
What would you do if a friend or family member made an unwelcome advance towards you or your spouse?

Unexpected Occurrences
Nothing in life is certain. Being prepared, or at least acknowledging the unexpected can dramatically help your sense of well being when facing these types of situations. Take time to really think about how you would handle these "What If…" situations.

How could you prepare for the possibility of one of these situations happening?
What if your partner lost their job?
What if your partner wanted to make a dramatic career change?
What if you had an unexpected pregnancy?
What if your partner had an affair?
What if you had a death in the family?
What if your partner became incapacitated in some way?
What if a major illness overcame a family member?

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