Dear Salty Vixen, I go out on dates all the time, but still haven't found "the one". My soul mate. Add to that the fact that it seems like everyone I know is divorced or having terrible relationship problems, and I'm really starting to panic. Do you think there's one person out there for everyone? And how can I find mine? Signed, Soul Searching
A: Dear Soul Searching,
What I'm about to say might shock you, so prepare yourself—I don't think there's any such thing as a "soul mate". The sting, I know, it hurts. But the truth will do that to you.
According to popular notions, we each have one person out there who is literally perfect for us. They fulfill us in every way—emotionally, intellectually, monetarily, sexually, and on and on. They are, we are told, our destiny. As if they were created just for us, and we for them.
But, Soul Searching, you're right to look at the skyrocketing divorce rates and more often than not troubled relationships to see what a bunch of malarkey this idea is! Plus, do you know the odds of finding your "one" on a planet that has more than 6 billion people? I'm no mathematician, but I think that's a one-in-six-billion chance. In other words, not very likely.
This isn't to say that I don't believe in romance, though, or relationships, or love, or marriage. Because I do. But I actually think that our quest for a soul mate is stopping us from finding those things!
Our own worst enemy
How, you might be wondering, could a belief in our one true love actually stop us from finding love?
Simple. People—all people—are complex. Stay with someone long enough, and there's a 100% guarantee they'll surprise you (and not in a good way), or hurt you, or disappoint you. That's why relationships, now matter how fantastic they are, take work and compromise and understanding. And if you have this undying belief in a soul mate (who would of course, never surprise you, or hurt you, or disappoint you), you're going to be in for a rude awakening, and ultimately spending your days alone. No one will ever measure up to your idealized notion of "the perfect partner".
Redefining romance
Okay, Soul Searching, I realize this may not be what you wanted to hear, so let's try and compromise—we'll take your romantic dreams and combine them with my practical applications—and together, we'll redefine what a "soul mate" is!
The new soul mate is:
- Someone who fulfills us in every way—emotionally, intellectually, monetarily, sexually, and on and on—but is not infallible.
- Someone who, despite their love for us and ours for them, can still do and say things that we don't agree with, and annoy us—and even hurt us.
- Someone who may not have been made for us, but is willing to work to make it seem like they were, and you for them!
Where to find them
Now that we have a more balanced idea of who our soul mate is, it's still our job to find where they are, or put ourselves in situations where they can find us. Our previous thoughts about soul mates would have led us to feel they would just fall into our laps—after all, they were our destiny. And destiny doesn't have to be sought out, it just—happens, right? Wrong!
Treat the search for a soul mate just like you do any other area of your life—with thought and action. If you're at the point where you're wanting to find your soul mate, you likely have a pretty clear idea about what he/she is like. So, think about where that type of person would spend their time, and go there. Be creative. Want to find a man who's financially well-off and independent? Get your girlfriend and head off to hit balls at a driving range or golf course. Have you always imagined your wife-to-be a fantastic gourmand? Spend some time at your local kitchen supply store or gourmet grocers.
The key is to leave yourself open to the possibility that there's a great partner out there just waiting for you, but also to realize that you do actually have to put yourself in situations where you'll meet them! It's romantic and practical—just like the new soul mate!
XOXO,
