Are you in a relationship with a total commitment phobe? Have you been dating him for a long time? Have you been up nights wondering why he hasn’t taken your relationship to the next level? Have you been calling your friends, fielding awkward questions about marriage from your grandma and generally feeling crappy about your relationship? Are you wondering why the man you are dating hasn’t even suggested a commitment with you? Have you been wondering how to get him to commit?
Here are the eight secrets to unlocking the part of his brain that desires a commitment even if he doesn’t seem to be interested in a commitment right now. Knowing these secrets can help you help him take your relationship to the next level WITHOUT humiliating nagging and negotiating. Here are the eight essential ingredients you’ll need to get a ring from your guy, even if he isn’t thinking about that right now.
8 Part Commitment Formula
• Part 1- Attraction.
Attraction is obviously a necessary factor in every relationship, but this notion goes beyond simple hip to waist ratios. Are you healthy overall? Do you take care of yourself? Do you constantly strive to look good so he’s proud to be with you?
Although he will never say so, when he’s thinking about taking that next step, just like you, he’s wondering what the kids will look like, and most importantly, how you will take care of them. How you take care of yourself is his first clue whether he should make that next step.
• Part 2- You aren’t in “convincing” mode.
Relationships do not move to the next level based on one of the parties nagging the other. He will not decide to commit to you because you sat him down and had “The Talk” four nights this week or tried to tell him about the logic for making such a step.
You aren’t going to make him want to stay and commit to you with your best logical argument. Men want to commit to women when they’re having a positive emotional experience. They commit when they feel like they are having the time of their lives and you’re part of the reason for that.
Also, men are perceptive. I’d be willing to be that HE ALREADY KNOWS that you’re interested in a commitment from him. In all of our loveliness, women are often not as subtle as we think we are.
I’d also be willing to bet that he’s not going to commit just because you desperately want that, otherwise he’ll get sulky and resentful. Do you want to be with someone who you cajoled into being there? I doubt you grew up picturing your Prince Charming as a sulky, resentful guy who you had to talk into taking things to the next level. So stop flying into charts, graphs and logic mode.
• Part 3- Being with you is “easy”.
This means no drama, no pressure, and no anything that makes him sweat. It’s just easy being around you more often than not.
This isn’t any different than the way you choose your best friends. It’s easy being with them, you can be yourself with them and that’s why you love them. When you feel this sense of ease, you want to be around them more. It’s the same for him.
• Part 4- You make him feel amazing.
You love to get compliments, and who doesn’t? Keep in mind that job doesn’t just fall in his court. When he always feels amazing around you, he will want to be with you more often.
Oddly enough, this is also a number one reason why men cheat, because the person they did commit to stopped stroking their egos on a regular basis. Men have fragile egos, which means, their ego button can easily be pushed by anyone, whether they are committed or not. Push that ego button as often as you can if you want him to stick around or take things up a notch.
• Part 5- He knows he makes her happy.
Pleasing a woman is a man’s job, and men at every level of society feel an ego boost and a sense of accomplishment when they know they have made their woman happy.
If you are always complaining around him, he won’t want to commit, because he won’t feel he’s doing a good enough job at making you happy. If he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he makes you happy on a very regular basis, he will want to stick around and keep the positive emotions flowing.
• Part 6- You are different.
Any man who does and says the right things to a girl can get her in bed, on a date, or wherever he wants. Enter the players of the world. The man that wants to commit actually wants a girl who isn’t so easily swayed.
You hear men all the time talking about why he finally proposed, “She was just…different than any other girl I dated.” She’s unique, she’s different, she’s just…I don’t know but I know there’s nobody else like her.” This quality is built in men when a woman creates mystery and doesn’t just blindly follow him around like a smitten puppy.
When looking for a woman to commit to for the long haul, a man often wants a woman with a backbone and a strong sense of herself. If you’re too easy or compromise reasonable standards to be with him, he’ll lose respect for you and it’ll be an uphill battle to get him to commit.
• Part 7- You share your feelings easily.
Men know that women are the emotive group of the species, and have skills in discussing their feelings. But that doesn’t mean that men don’t have feelings either, they just aren’t as quick to express them. When you are able to share your feelings easily with no expectations or pressure, he is more interested in doing the same.
It’s not unlike the beginning of the relationship when he was asking you out for the first time. If he thinks you are going to say no, he won’t do it. The same goes for commitment. If you are too busy playing the aloof cool girl, he will wander off until he finds someone that he knows will share his real feelings with him.
• Part 8- A Commitment Fits Into His Timeline.
Men often have a timeline for how they imagine their life going and they think in these terms when they’re deciding whether they’re ready to make a commitment.
Most often, men are well aware of the idea that if they commit to a woman, they’re going to be rocketed into their primal role as a provider. This is a basic idea but overlooked by women all the time. Men see themselves finishing college and/or getting a steady job while having their bachelor days, then at some point settling down and getting married.
If you’ve met him in his first year of college or before he’s established a career he’s proud of, it could be like pulling teeth to get a commitment. Before he’s ready, it’s going to be an uphill battle to see you in a way that inspires him to commit to you.
Often women are interested in love at whatever time it shows up. They are more likely to bend their schedules to fit a relationship and expect their guy to do the same. This is just not how it works for him much of the time.
How to Get Him to Commit— The Bottom Line
When it comes to commitment, it is easy (and dare say a cop out) to say that every man is different. The truth is that both men and women gravitate toward that which makes us feel good. That which makes us feel bad, we move away from. This is so basic.
Even self-professed commitment phobes are often simply most concerned with being with the wrong person forever. Isn’t that true for you? How to get him to commit is not about planning a special night and a conversation about shared goals, it’s about creating an entire relationship that makes him feel the way you want him to feel, for the rest of your lives together.
One thing that I want to stress is that it’s very common for men to report that you make him feel like you desperately just want to have a commitment with someone, anyone, RIGHT NOW, when you’re in charts, graphs and logic mode. I’ve talked to a lot of guys who wouldn’t commit to their last girlfriend, and when asked why, they told me that it was because they felt like they were a placeholder in her timeline that marched toward a white picket fence and babies. Now, honestly, would you want to be just a part of the road map that let him get somewhere else?
