How To Know Who You Are In 20 Minutes

Your choices are based on your identity, yet every choice you make determines who you are. The identity you construct yields decisions, attitudes, and actions that are puzzle pieces of your life, which fit together intricately to create a beautiful mosaic that is you. What will your picture reveal? Will you be proactive in life, or allow others to take you along for the ride? It is easy to figure out who you are: you are who you create yourself to be, who you become, even at this moment. Every decision you make contributes a piece to the art of your existence. Search endlessly to find who you are, and your masterpiece will be filled with longing, existential angst, wandering, and aimlessness. Decide to create a better you, to design yourself around your desires, priorities, beliefs, and giftings, and you will see the masterpiece that is meant to be. Complete the exercise below and you will know who you are so you can decide who you want to be and what your life will say.

By choosing to act in alignment with your core self and follow what path you have chosen, you are already making changes. You may not be who you will become, but you are not who you once were. So who are you becoming today? If you find your identity in others, your self-esteem and sense of worth will be dependent on their choices and leadings. If instead you recognize that you are an original, then act like it.

To construct a masterpiece work of art, there are defining lines and shadows. Without the contrast, the beauty and starkness of the image is lost. Contrast allows for the vivid colors to stand out as beautiful as the designer intended. Dark shadows, like hard times, can color a portion of our journey. Will you allow your dark shadows to define you, or will you rise above and make the statement you were intended to contribute to the world? You have a vivid, brilliant image to create, so do not get stuck filling your canvas with shadows and miss the masterpiece waiting to emerge from them. Decide today to move beyond your circumstances.

How do you handle life? Do you structure your identity around hurts or blows, or do you move on despite your past? You are not defined by what happens to you, but by how you respond to the happenings of life.

If your life were an open book, would people care to read it? Does your belief system sway with the wind? Are you manipulated by motivational speeches from fast-talkers with empty, shallow promises that do not deliver (but often cost you money)? Do you think your identity depends solely on your career or other accolades? Does your life’s journey need a compass and a map, or do you know where you are and where you are headed? Are you confident in who you are? Here is how to determine your identity:

This exercise requires you to be honest. If you are answering what others want to hear, you will not be seeing yourself, but a superficial image you project. Be real with yourself as you do this and you will discover the richness of your existence! It is that simple, but it is not easy. It requires the courage to be honest, and recognize you will find areas for change. Get out a paper and writing implement, and be ready to write (a computer will do, but writing by hand can trigger more creativity).

1. Beliefs: What are your beliefs? Begin writing down the first thing that you think about, and continue to write on each of these belief system components until you feel your answer is complete (or force yourself to stop at 5 minutes for this first round, and to address each part with at least a few sentences). Think about what drives your moral compass, brings you strength, what values contribute to your sense of worth and your life philosophy. Here are the three components:

beliefs about God and your spiritual life
beliefs about yourself: what messages you send mentally, physically, and emotionally
beliefs about life: how you fit into the world (your purpose), attitude, outlook, and what character traits you value

2. Personality: What traits are contained in your unique and special personality? Take 5 minutes to find and record descriptive words about yours. I have included a handy way to answer this in less than 5 minutes. God designed us all differently. Can you imagine if everyone wanted to be in charge of little details, and there were no people to see the big picture? What if everyone was a great listener, but nobody could think of anything to say? Your personality is filled with a unique combination of traits that can be used for bettering yourself and others, or for tearing yourself and others down. A person gifted in organization, for example, can choose to be domineering and manipulative, or can choose to better others with encouragement as they see the big picture and help complete projects.

Knowing your personality and giftings can help you understand areas for change, and can help you feel proud of who God made you to be. If you have never taken a personality profile test, they can be fun to try, so why not do one now? 

3. Actions: Take 5 minutes to list how this identity manifests itself in actions by recording your:

priorities, interests, hobbies, talents, and giftings
influence and initiative
coping skills/ how you manage adversity
accomplishments and goals
relationships

The most important finishing touch on your identity will use up the last 5 minutes: now that you have figured out who you are, create who you want to be by making changes immediately. Look at the results. Your beliefs, your personality, and your resulting actions all merge together as pieces of your puzzle. This is how you perceive yourself, which in turn, determines how you portray yourself. Consider what you wrote that is negative. Are your messages about yourself, for example, truly who you are, or are they a product of allowing external circumstances or events to darken your internal perception? One quick way to do this is to mark those you can change with a star (or colored pen), and those you cannot change with a different symbol or color. The ones you can change are often accurate, and the ones you cannot change are often negative messages you have internalized that are not who you truly are. Do not believe lies propagated on you because of trauma or hardship. See who you really want to be, and become that person today.

Now comes the most important step: take the negative messages you can change and re-write them as positive. Instead of writing you are a “victim”, be a “survivor”. Change “miserable alcoholic” to “recovering alcoholic with one day of triumphant sobriety”. Rather than “hot-tempered”, be a “person of strong convictions who no longer takes out anger on others or yourself”. Instead of “a failure in business”, be a “successful entrepreneur, with some failed startups that are teaching you as you improve your business plan”. Change “lonely and alone” to someone “determined to face fear, meet new people, knowing you have a lot to contribute to a relationship” (pick a social group that aligns with your beliefs and get involved today). Instead of “stupid” (a message you tell yourself because of others’ opinion, perhaps?), say “I may not have the best grades, but if they gave out grades I would get an A+ in ____”. Instead of “I’m ugly”, record what is beautiful about you.

This is an initial picture of you. To go deeper, repeat this exercise. Do this process again and again until you feel proud of your big picture. In an instant, with determination to change, you have changed yourself. “As a man thinketh, so is he” Proverbs 23:7. Change your perception and your reality changes. Tell yourself you are hopeless and you feel hopeless. Tell yourself you can do it, and you will. Be optimistic! Phil. 4:8-9. God says to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind” Romans 12:2, so figure out what messages are in your mind through this exercise, and change the negative thoughts to positive today.

You may leave your results in sentence or list form, rewrite it into a poem, create a collage of words (like a tag cloud of your life) or images to represent you, or even create an audio or video recording as a keepsake for loved ones to cherish. Be proud of who you are, and if you are not, then become who you can be proud of, and do it today.

I am a fighter. I have made it through significant trauma in my life- from being sexually assaulted on a polo field in England 18 June 2004 at 10:45PM on the grandstands, being abused by my now ex-husband and back in the 8th grade was told to die because that person hated me and for the life of me, even this day- I will never know what I did to that person since I hardly said two word to the dude.

As I write this post, I remembered a trauma experience that happened 25 July 2004 in England at a polo after party. I am good at remembering dates and that is because of events, something memorable and in this case was trauma. I will sum it up, three people in the 'inner circle' of the polo world were making me because they found out why I would not shag any of them - all because at 23 years of age, I was still a Virgin and that was unheard of (when I was sexually assaulted 18 June 2004, we didn't go all the way. I will make that VERY clear). I still remember, the photo of me 'dancing' with Prince Harry - below:

See the dude in the white shirt in the background? That is where Harry went and was surrounded by some of the 'inner circle' men. That is when they were all looking at me laughing. So here is the full story. Harry was with them, he saw that I was tearing up, he walked past me to get his drink and came back and 'danced' with me. He was telling me to ignore what was said. Harry never knew the full story as he wasn't around that much that summer, he was in Gap Year mode. But the look on their faces when the dude in white shirt found out I was a Virgin- well, what happened next was , my so- called polo friends were supposed to drive me back to the hotel that evening as at the time in 2004, there were no Taxi's at the polo club (they didn't go there that late at night..) and because the polo player found out, he left me there in the cold. He said "sorry. I heard you fucked my mate.  You are a prick tease, you knew I wanted you and you wanted my mate. Go find yourself a ride."

I blocked that out for the longest time as it was trauma as the ride I got was from a stranger and that is another story for another day. Now that I am opening up about the trauma I had gone though to heal, I am now feeling better because  of the longest. time I felt like it was all my fault- that is the way they made me feel. Little do they know the true inspiration behind Salty Vixen is from them. I took my power back.

I now have changed how I perceive the world and myself to live confident in who I am and why I am here. My canvas is covered with beautiful vibrant colors, and an emerging pattern that I can only describe as uniquely me. The shadows and lines give it focus as accents (but do not dominate the image), and I am better for them. I welcome each new stroke whether dark or light, as I face the world from my life philosophy. I know God is my guiding compass, and the Bible is my map. In knowing who I am, I also know what I need to change, and I keep my eye on the prize. I strive to be more like God everyday, helping others when opportunities arise, and staying sure in God’s love for me so I have love to give.

What about you? Are you confident in who you are? Get to know yourself again, and find ways to become a better you.