Dear Salty Vixen, My husband is in Iraq and a few months before he left we had a baby, his first, and my third. Our other two are in 4th and 6th grade. Before he left we discussed my sending him videos of the baby to his phone. He at first said they would be too hard to watch and then said that even if he could he would have no way of watching them with out imposing on everyone else to watch his home movies.
So I have not sent him any, well.....he called me last Monday (we talk at least 2-3 times a week) and he was upset at me for NOT sending video messages because apparently he found out he can view them. I of course said I would start sending them, but after we hung up I became more and more upset because I had no way of knowing he could view them and felt as if he was blaming me for something I knew nothing about. I wrote him an email and told him so. Not a nasty email, but one just explaining that I didn't know and it was unfair of him to be upset with me for not doing something he originally told me not to. He has not called me or emailed me since.
It has been a week, and I am torn between being extremely worried because of where he is and also being upset because knowing him, he is not calling because he is now even madder at me. If I was less sure about his location and his safety I would not be as upset with him as I am, but suffice it to say I know he is safe. I have talked to other wives whose husbands are with him and they are talking to their spouses regularly. So I am stuck between wanting to (again) be the one to 'mend fences' or feeling as if I was right in being upset with his expectations. After all, as much as I wish I had one, I do not own a crystal ball. -Confused By Long Distance Conflicts
Dear Confused By Long Distance Conflicts,
When it comes to little disagreements, you have to make a decision as to whether it's really worth the upset to make a big stink out of it. Obviously he overreacted about the video messages, but you have to make sure that to him it was an overreaction. It is highly possible he forgot how you both left things off.
With his current job stress factor it's not unusual to make such a misunderstanding. I think if you felt it was unfair for him to react the way he did, you probably could have handled it better. Instead of accusing him of doing something, even in a "polite" way, you could have given him the benefit of the doubt. You might have tried to explain why you didn't send the videos and let him know that you are excited to be able to send them now.
A relationship isn't always about getting your own points across. It's about compromise and what's good for the relationship as a team. You have to be able to choose between issues that are critical and the ones that are okay to let slide. You have to ask yourself before you react whether or not nitpicking this particular individual issue or event will actually strengthen your relationship with your partner. Communication delivered properly will ALWAYS result in a raise in affection within your relationship. So, it would be wise to really think about what you are saying when you want to get your point across. Learn to say things in a way that helps raise your relationship level.
To repair what has actually happened I would get a video sent out pronto. Then, drop him an e-mail letting him know you sent the video and how much you miss talking to him. Don't accuse him of any "bad" behavior. Just let him know how much you support him and love him.
XOXO,
