I wanted to write an article to talk about a form of sex abuse that isn't talked about as often as it should and that is withholding sex- that is sex abuse. My marriage to my ex husband was a book-full of abuse. Financial (he would take money away from me, so I could't go grocery shopping or buy clothes for the kids and I), verbal abuse; he would also break things. Out of anger he broke some of my grandparents 1948 wedding glasses. Thankfully was only a couple but that hurt me as my grandparents raised me. They were, essentially my parents. There was whole lot more that I will talk about it on this website.
Then there was the sex abuse- my ex husband , when we were married would withhold sex to 'punish me' because I didn't do what he wanted me to do that day, or I made him angry. It went on for SEVEN years and many wonder why I didn't leave him sooner? I couldn't. He would knock me down to make me weak.
I will be honest the beginning, my spouse was charming and quite appealing. We had no problems with intimacy. My now ex- spouse couldn't keep his hands off of me. I felt desired, cherished and loved. Before long, the atmosphere changed. He became less and less interested in sex. I did find yourself wondering, "what happened?"- this is what you are asking as well.
How did I get out of it? I reconnected with someone that I knew from childhood years. We were chatting and I blurted it out "I think I am being abused" The blast -from-the-past exact words were "I am sorry?? So.. what are you wearing?" I wish people would listen , regardless if you are besties with someone or not. I think if blast-from-the-past did listen to me, I would have gotten out of it sooner. I needed from him or someone to say "Are you alright? What can I do to help you?"Â
Sadly, in the world today, most disregard when someone is hurting. Thankfully there are facebook groups for people like you and I have my website and S-Spot with Salty Vixen Podcast that has helped me recover but still I wonder, if blast-from-the-past person, had said "I am sorry, what can I do to help?" is all I needed to hear, and that would have given me the boost of confidence I needed that very moment. Not 2 years and 10 months later. I am still recovering from the abuse as my ex husband sends me abusive texts once a month, usually trying to get out of paying child support (he pays but always adds controlling abuse text with it); threatens me that I am not allowed to date (he doesn't stop me from dating!!) and as a result, I have my gut always up when dating.
So here is some advice I want to tell you :
The role sex plays in a marriage.
Sex is a way of connecting to your spouse emotionally and physically. It builds a bond that promotes closeness and emotional intimacy. Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. Some would disagree but it's my opinion that the sharing of intimate pleasure in a marriage enables couples to bond more deeply as friends. That friendship will sustain the marriage as we age, our bodies change and our need for the sexual connection lessens. Sex is what separates a couples relationship from all other relationships. A marriage without sexual intimacy and friendship will eventually sputter and die.
Why withhold sex as punishment?
Withholding sex is about control. It's a passive/aggressive way of expressing anger. Someone who withholds sex will imply by their actions that they have a lot to give. They are, by all outward indication sincere in their love for their spouse. They hook you in with sincerity and then they cut you off.
They feel in control if they have the upper hand sexually. You are put in the position of being the one who initiates sex. Your spouse doesn't have to do anything in the relationship except show up. All the work that needed to develop and maintain a sexual bond is up to you. They don't have to take responsibility for any problems in the marriage, and if the marriage ends they can point a finger at you for being the problem.
What are the consequences of withholding sex?
Sexual rejection, especially by someone who vowed to "love, honor and cleave unto" you is devastating. It leaves you feeling unattractive and undesirable. You may internalize his rejection and blame yourself by thinking you are not pretty enough; sexy enough, thin enough, smart enough. His actions will give root to unhealthy beliefs about yourself and your value as a person. There is the danger of depression, loss of hope, you may feel old before your time and there is certainly a sense of shame. Shame over the fact that your own spouse does not desire you. This shame keeps you from sharing your problems with someone else. You find yourself with no support system and the growing belief that there must be something terribly wrong with you.
Surviving a sexless marriage.
The only way to survive it is to run from it. I rarely tell people that divorce is their only option. In this case, my experience has taught me that there is little hope for change. Take your damaged self-image, your shame and any unhealthy beliefs you have come to feel about yourself and get out. Once you've done that, find a qualified therapist that can help you take back the power your spouse had to cause you to feel such negative emotions. The damage will die-hard and may be slow to repair but with time and work, you will once again feel sexually desirable and attractive.
