In 1997, a psychologist by the name of Arthur Aron decided to explore how people fall in love, using an increasingly intimate series of questions given to two strangers. I, and many other dating and relationship experts, use these questions in clinics, workshops, seminars, and event first dates to help people fall in love, or at the very least, feel connected to others.
While some of the more recent media has focused on these questions allowing "anyone" to fall in love, I must disagree - to a point.
After using these questions all over the world in several different languages, I've learned that the two people using them must both be willing, able and open to falling in love with the other person. If at any point even one of these three things shifts, for whatever reason, the person struggling must kindly and compassionately share how they're feeling, and to stop going further.
Why stop? In my personal and professional experience, if one person continues while the other feels off, it's challenging to stay open, vulnerable and positive - all requirements for these kinds of exercises to work. So instead, let your partner know, "I think you're wonderful, I will forever cherish this time getting to know you, however I feel we're a better romantic match for other people. Can we perhaps shift to doing something else now?"
The Instructions
With all that in mind, here's how to do the 36 Questions. All you'll need is a chunk of time (a bare minimum of three hours is what I recommend), a stop watch or timer on your phone, access to this article, and the openness, willingness and availability to open your heart to a stranger.
Ready?
Each person asks the question, while the other answers it in 90 seconds (unless otherwise specified). If you don't need 90 seconds, that's fine, just stop the timer, reset, and move on to the next question. Once you've both finished all 36 questions, take a deep breath, and then stare into each other's eyes for four minutes.
Will you feel like you've fallen in love immediately, during, or after? Possibly. I find it takes a bit of time to meld and roll with the intensity of the experience. Go for a walk together, talk about how it felt, do something to share with your partner, even if it's less than "I'm in love and I want the world to know it!"
Really ready? Then let's start.
You've just embarked upon the first two of the "36 questions to fall in love". Congratulations! Make sure to set your timer for each person's answer to 90 seconds each before you start. When you're done, click on the next or sideways arrow button to move on.
Done this before? Use the bulleted, suggested questions instead.
Famous People and Dinner:
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- If you could share a day with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be? Why?
- If you could make anything for dinner for your idol, what would it be? Or, where would you take them for dinner?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- When you die, what's the one thing you want to be remembered for, and why?
- Do you appreciate famous people? Why or why not?
Perfection Over the Telephone
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- Do you ever plan out your day to the hour? Minute? Have you ever? Why or why not?
- What makes you incredibly nervous, if anything?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- Tell me about a day that, for you, was perfect - in recent memory.
- What would a perfect day look like for you when you're with the Love of Your Life?
The Mind and Body of a Singer
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- Have you ever performed in front of other people?
- Describe the last time you made a fool of yourself, only because you were so happy, you forgot anyone was watching.
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- If you had to lose one sense, which one which you choose?
- Have you ever had your ability to move, think or speak affected negatively? What was that like for you? Did you regain your abilities?
Death in Common
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- Have you ever "known" something, with zero ability to really, truly know?
- Do you believe you create your own reality? Why or why not?
8. *Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- Talk about three things that you could see yourself enjoying with your partner, right now.
- Share a story about an event that you took part in solo, and how it would have changed if your partner was there with you.
*Note: this is a challenging question to answer with someone you've just met! That's the point. Instead of analyzing, feel. Stop thinking, and just go with the flow of what feels right. You can't answer poorly, or "wrong", Just go with your gut.
Grateful Childhoods
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- Tell your partner about five things that happened today that you're grateful about.
- When's the last time you shared your gratefulness with someone? What happened? If you haven't before, why not?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- What did your childhood compare like to your friends'?
- Think of a child in your life - your own, a friend's, a relative's. What would you want them to experience at their age, right now, that you didn't get to?
11. *Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- Imagine at the end of your days, that a famous writer authors your biography. Tell your partner in four minutes the highlights of that book - focusing on the things that have yet to happen.
- What do you want to be remembered for when you die? Take four minutes to go through the list with your partner.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
- If you were a superhero, what would your name be? What powers would you have?
- Did you imagine you were a superhero, character or when you were a kid? Tell your partner about your imaginary character in detail.
*Note: This question instructs you to change the 90-second answer period for this question only.Alter your time-keeping device so that you both have four minutes before starting.
Dreams of the Future
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Pretend you're a psychic, and tell your partner their future. Take this seriously. Try to honor them and what they've shared so far.
- If you could predict the future OR stop time, which would you choose, and why?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
- When you were a kid, what did you dream about doing most? Have you done it? Why or why not?
- What do you secretly dream about doing, that you've yet to tell anyone about? Entrust your partner and share.
Accomplishments and Friendship
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
Memories
7. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
Living a Life of Friendship
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21.What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
Family Ties
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
We Share
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
Close Friends Sharing
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
Embarrassing Tears
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in
front of another person? By yourself?
No, Seriously, I Like You
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
Total Loss
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be?
Why?
Death and Personal Advice
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
