The Rules of Fuck Buddies: In Detail

The summer of 2004 (I talk about this often as my pen name "Salty Vixen" comes from when I lived in England- and was part of the 'polo' inner circle at several polo clubs. With that said, there was one person in the group who had a fuck buddy. Actually, whenever I saw him at polo after parties, he would have a new chick on his arm for sex. He wanted me and I don't do hookups so we never fucked. Although, the sexual attraction was always there, and if he didn't do hookups, I think we would have had a memorable summer. oh well, that is in the past... Fuck buddies are something that many people have. Especially in this digital age of dating apps. Many of us are lonely, and finding someone who isn't into hookups is a pain in the ass.

So having a fuck buddy is always good to have one. Sex & the City had an episode about "Fuck Buddy"  (youtube won't let me embed the episode as it is age restricted.)- A Fuck Buddy is a guy you dated once or twice, and it didn't go anywhere but the sex is really great and you keep him on call... you know, Dial-A-Dick".

Dial-A Dick:

Sure everyone has their own set of rules for fuck buddies, some nicer and some harsher, but these are mine. Some may sound cold and objectifying, but these rules are intended to protect feelings–as ironic as that may seem. Listen to me, I speaketh the truth.

Reality check: the rules of boyfriends and the rules of fuck buddies are completely different. In no equation does B.F. equal F.B. Do not ever confuse them because that’s when feelings start to get hurt. Yes, fuck buddies have feelings too but you are only concerned about how his cock feels inside you, got it?

Here is Salty Vixen's Fuck Buddy List:

1. No holding hands. Keep hands to the crotch-el region.
2. No spending the night.
3. Fifteen minutes of cuddling max. But affection is generally discouraged beyond “Aww, you’re such a great fuck!”
4. Do not enter upon a fuck buddy arrangement or situation while drunk. There’s a difference between a one-night stand and a fuck buddy (yet another post). Although entering either drunk is not wise. God forbid there’s a beer-goggles situation. You don’t want to go to bed with Will Smith and wake up with Steve Urkel, do you? Besides, don’t you want to be sober enough to remember all the marvelous sex you had the night before?
5. No toothbrushes. Refer to #2. There should be no ties at all, even if they cost only $2.49 and secretly you let your other fuck buddy use the same one.
6. Don’t discuss anything real. No family history, no favorite colors, no goals, no personal triumphs or tragedies. If you want to keep it real, you have to stay light: movies, bands, and favorite brands of booze.
7. He is not obligated to have sex with you while you’re having your period. Most nice boyfriends will, but fuck buddies have the option to pass. If he doesn’t mind, then cool.
8. No sweetie, honey, schmoopie allowed. The only pillow-talk is fuck me harder, ride me bitch, or suck this big cock.
9. No dinners, no movies, no “quality time” of any sort. If you insist on going out at all, meet him at a bar for drinks no earlier than ten pm. The hour between nine and ten is the grey zone between when a real date starts and when it’s just a hook-up. So if you ever wonder why a guy asks you out for a date so late, it’s because he doesn’t want to have to go through the effort of buying you dinner and talking, he just wants to get to the good stuff.
10. Two guys in twenty-four hours is fine, just be discreet.
11. You still need to dress to impress. Just because you know sex is a sure thing doesn’t mean you should answer the door in your pajamas unless they’re really tight and see-thru. Shower, shave, lotion up, smell good, and have some fun with that tight mini-skirt you would never wear on a real date.
12. Break out the sex toys. Play up the freak factor and see how much you can get away with. Part of the fun of a fuck buddy is you don’t care if he respects you or not and so you can let loose and reveal that sadist tendency of yours. Who says the nipple clamps are just for women?
13. Hide evidence. Throw out all condom wrappers (although you should no matter what, ew!), put the lube back in your goodie drawer, and for fuckssake don’t get any hickeys, bruises, bites, or scratches if you expect to date/fuck anyone else any time soon. And if you have a collared-shirt job, keep all that shit below the neck line so you don’t give your boss a heart attack. Or any ideas. —shudder—
14. No liquid exchange. You’re not a twelve year-old girl in a convent, you know about condoms and birth control. Use both. If you’re young and worry about telling your parents you want to go to the doctor, you can go to Planned Parenthood on your own and take care of things there. They understand discretion. Being scared of your mother is no excuse. And believe me, I understand scary mothers.
15. Pee with the door closed. Just because you’re using each other for sex doesn’t mean you can’t keep some decency.
16. Don’t text message them the next day telling them you had fun and it was great meeting them. Don’t look for or encourage post-coital conversation.
17. Guys no.1 rule of fuck buddies: be a chick: All other rules can be made up as we go along.

I want to point out that  there is a difference between “friends with benefits” situation and fuck buddy. But I’ve actually never had a FWB, so I can only extrapolate the so-called rules for that arrangement.

Also, There are also the post fuck-buddy rules: If fuck buddy tells you s/he has a bf/gf, that’s their nice way of ‘the “relationship” is over/on hiatus. Stop calling’. For god’s sake, STOP CALLING. It is very embarrassing to have to explain to your significant other why some dude you’ve never mentioned before keeps calling 5 times in 1 night starting from 9 pm. Even between fuck-buddies, there’s got to be a bit of respect y’all…

*Sound harsh? Then maybe fuck buddies aren’t for you. It’s a rough game and not everyone is meant to play. Just being realistic here.