The Guest List:
The guest list isn’t as hard as a lot of sites out there make it. There’s, really, just two steps to it
1. Get a list of emails and phone numbers of a ton of the Groom’s friends
2. Decide which ones are lame and cross them off said list with a big ol’ red Sharpie marker.
There are a few types of guys that you need to avoid for step two. Here are the archetypes of those men and how best to recognize and appropriately dispose of them.
The Wet Blanket
It doesn’t matter what you do, what you say, or who you pay off. The wet blanket is not going to have a good time no matter what, so it’s best to just cut your losses. Celebrity examples include Jason Schwartzman, Steven Wright, and Eeyore the donkey. There could be a naked parade down Bourbon Street with panties instead of ticker tape and free bottles of beer instead of beads, and these guys would complain that, really, the girls back home were hotter and the beer was definitely colder. Go fist yourself, wet blanket. We will put you in a figurative dryer until you shrink uncomfortably.
The Dry Blanket
The Dry Blanket is a similar animal, but uniquely destructive to a good time. He has renounced his once-awesome, party-down ways and now is riding the straight, narrow and dry. But, a decade of decadance has left him jaded, and in his strive to entertain himself, he’s hitched onto the bachelor party. But he doesn’t want to party. Can’t drink, can’t talk to girls — he’s like the town in “Footloose.” And, baby, you’re Kevin Bacon. Dance this mother off the guest list after you violently smoke a cigarette and handspring through a warehouse. (Ed. note: There is an important difference between being dry, and being a stupid, fun-hating dry blanket)
The Really Married Guy
The Really Married Guy is so married that he can’t stand that other people aren’t married or would act in a manner unbefitting a chaste and honorable husband. He’s so married that when he sits around the house, he really calls his wife to see if it’s alright if he sits around the house, and then asks if there’s anything he can do for her before he sits around the house. That’s married. This dude is like the wet blanket except that his wet blanket is some harpy succubus that has drained his man-life out of his man-orbs leaving him a hollow, husk of a non-party-havin’ man. No good for your bachelor party, sir.
The Really Un-Married Guy
This guy could actually be married on paper, but the proof is in the pudding, and this guy’s pudding is probably going to be in this pants after 10 minutes at a strip club, even though he forgot his wallet and/or lost all his cash at 8pm at the craps table. The Really Un-Married guy wants to screw as many girls as possible and doesn’t care what he screws up in so doing. Leave him behind to tap his own behinds on his own time.
Relatives Of The Bride
Oh my god. Are you kidding? Why would you think this was okay? No brothers, no uncles, not even a bridesmaid’s husband should be allowed to come along on the groom’s bachelor party. The only exception is that if that person was the groom’s friend first. Otherwise, the potential security breach is not even close to worth the risk.
