Porn is probably one of the most underappreciated arts of all time. It's so underappreciated, in fact, some people (gasp!) wouldn't even consider it an art. But we shouldn't blame these people for their close-mindedness, right? So what if they don't watch Skinemax marathons every night before going to sleep? So what if they don't keep two boxes of Kleenex on their bedside table? That doesn't make them freaks. And it doesn't necessarily mean they can't appreciate art - it's just that they have difficulty recognizing it.
And so, in the philanthropic spirit, and for the sake of all those "Mona Lisa"-esque pornos you've yet to watch, it's time to talk about the merits of porn that go beyond the actual sex. Not that the sex is a terrible drawback.
#8 Community Building
Porn is an undeniable community building experience. Even though it's often watched by horny guys sitting alone in front of their laptops, there are millions of such guys across the world watching at any given moment. The world might be a vast and mysterious place, but porn is like a glue that binds us together " particularly those of us who have trouble getting laid and/or own multiple inflatable dolls.
For the record, I only own one doll, and it's for research purposes. Seriously.
Even if you think you're the only one watching that esoteric series about the mother/daughter ping-pong team, trust me " you're definitely not alone. At times, such a sense of community can be comforting, knowing that others are enjoying the same ridiculous moments and laughing their asses off accordingly. However, when the mother/daughter team starts using the ping-pong balls in alternative ways, that "sense of community" becomes little more than a creepy distraction.
#7 Amazing Dialogue
I am not sure whether porn screenwriters are born with a superhuman gift for writing amazing dialogue or whether they acquire it, like an STD, after having sex with other writers in the industry. Either way, the dialogue in porn is usually more entertainment than a decade's worth of Nicolas Cage films and sometimes (going out on a limb here…) more stimulating than the sex itself. If only the actors could figure out a way to have sex and carry on a discussion at the same time, then we'd be talking about magic. Wait, never mind" that'd be magic overload.
The dialogue in porn is obviously a function of the amazing plots. When a pizza boy delivers to the home of an older woman in a bathrobe, for example, it's only natural for her to open up the box and complain, "I was looking for more sausage." I mean, what else are the pizza boy and the woman going to talk about for the next 45 seconds? Onions? Extra cheese? OK, maybe pepperoni, but you know it needs to be something long and Italian.
#6 Improve Your Relationship
Although many claim that porn can be destructive to relationships, others (whom I prefer to listen to) explain that some good ol' fashion porn can bring a man and woman closer together and re-ignite faded romance. Studies point out that when couples talk openly about porn-watching, they are more likely to help satisfy each other's desires. Of course, it's convenient when those desires are limited to the act of watching porn and not actually having sex with another person.
Like any other entertainment, porn provides couples with an excuse to spend some quality time together. And so, even if the couple isn't watching the porn for the sex scenes, they're still guaranteed to enjoy the ridiculous dialogue/plots and presumably laugh their asses off. And then who knows? Maybe the sex scenes can take place in a little thing called "reality."
#5 Handyman Education
Aside from all the helpful relationship advice that porn provides us (discussed below), it also offers a significant education on becoming a handyman. After only a few months of casual porn watching, you are bound to learn about repairing copy machines, drilling holes into boards that have absolutely no purpose, and even fixing the occasional toilet that is clearly still working. These little tutorials are usually interrupted by impromptu sex, but most of the time, you'll still come away with a solid primer for vocational school.
The only downside to porn's handyman education is the way it idealizes the profession. Many a young man has dropped out of high school to pursue a career as a construction worker or a plumber, solely for the conquest of mind-blowingly attractive women. Sadly, these men eventually realize that porn had grossly inflated their expectations and that mind-blowingly attractive women would rarely blow more than a construction worker's mind.
#4 Health Benefits
Even if you're skipping through the sex scenes, the act of watching porn is, for lack of a better word, titillating. (OK, I could think of some better words, but I have the maturity of a two-year-old.) The sexual suggestiveness of the characters' body languages, as well as their implicative dialogue, is enough to make any red-blooded man (and many special women) anxious for a trip to Pound Town.
Along these lines, studies have shown that watching porn can help men generate more vigorous and more "fertile" sperm. Although many might diminish the importance of a man's sperm quality, I can assure you, from a completely unbiased and scientifically-informed perspective, having fertile sperm is no less important than having a healthy heart or two arms. Moreover, watching porn and keeping track of the plot's complicated twists and turns is great for improving your brain's cognition and memory. After all, if you get lost in the plot, you'll probably need to stop the porn and rewind from the beginning. Better pay attention!
#3 Relationships 101
Porn has enlightened the minds of many young and horny viewers over the years with its insights onto relationships. First and foremost, porn teaches us that the power of love and physical attraction (probably more so physical attraction) can bring together any two individuals, or three for that matter… or basically any number divisible by one.
Porn also teaches us that when a man wants a woman, or a woman wants a man, or when either sex wants to experiment with a non-allergenic object, issues such as race and class are meaningless. A homeless man from Harlem can easily score with a member of the Hilton family, for example, if he knows how to fix a kitchen sink. Or if he takes off his shirt before fixing it and reveals a chiseled body.
Additionally, porn stresses the importance of foreplay in any successful relationship. As we're taught time and again, foreplay doesn't have to drag on forever. A man basically has to introduce himself and then take out a tool belt or sausage pizza. Fu manchu moustaches don't hurt the situation either.
#2 Characters You'll Remember For A Lifetime
Porn is filled with some of the most memorable characters in moving picture history, or dare I say, the history of the world. Sure, Winston Churchill and Napoleon are great for a few biographies and historical textbooks, but wouldn't you rather have a beer with a runaway nun turned nymphomaniac or an office manager who can only have sex on top of copy machines? I mean, don't get me wrong – I wouldn't mind listening to stories about political and military events that changed the course of global affairs, but um, well… wouldn't that get kinda dry after a while?
The characters that you encounter in porn may not be jam-packed with intelligence or layers of complexity, but damned if they're not entertaining " even before their clothes come off. And over time, if you're not getting laid on a consistent basis, these characters can become much more than just faces on a screen " they can become your friends. Of course, if you get to this point, you should probably consider speeddating… or dropping a few pounds and becoming a porn star yourself.
#1 Music That Even Barry White Couldn't Touch
Porn music is like nothing else. If Barry White had spent an hour grooming his chinstrap, conditioning his chest hair, and then applying the finest lotions and cologne to his entire body, he still couldn't create a song as sexy and ridiculous as the music found in your average porn. With all due respect to Barry, porn music is the ultimate mood setter, as though the word "boner" is subliminally transmitted in every note.
Perhaps the greatest thing about porn music is that it can be taken completely out of context from porn and still make perfect sense. For instance, if you're on a first date with a girl, just sitting on her couch drinking some coffee, and you chime under your breath "bow-chicka-wow-wow," odds are that she will swiftly take off her panties and have sex with you. Either that, or she will pour your coffee on your lap and never speak to you again. But the point is that you'll be communicating.
As you can tell, there's a ton to love about porn besides the actual sex. I could go on for another couple hours, but I'd rather go watch some porn. If you're at work and can't do the same, check out the inspiration for this post and oldie but goodie: James Gunn's PG-PORN. It is freakin' hilarious. I promise.
In closing, porn is art. If you still don't agree with me, well… then I have no choice but to fight you.
