1. Lawyer: Your ability to think critically means you can, ideally, make solid judgment calls about the people with whom we surround ourselves and the most flattering colors with our complexions. You could probably also persuade us to try new things. Assuming, of course, that we actually believe a word you say.
2. Police Officer: You’ve got a sense of civility and a service mentality, so you tend to do the right thing. You probably have a decently controlled temper because you’ve sorta gotta. You may also be overly concerned because you’ve seen shit, and you probably won’t let us put COPS on TV late night when we’ve had too much sugar before bed.
3. Firefighter: You’d dive into a burning building to save a life and jeopardize your own, which means you’re a caregiver and a risk taker by nature. You’re also every woman’s fantasy in the bedroom.
4. Artist: You’re an introspective creative mind with big dreams… but probably a not-so-big wallet. You lead a passionate life with little regard for material things, which is rejuvenating. But you require isolation to create your art and are never not working—like your paychecks, you’re not so reliable.
5. Military: You’d give your life for the things in which you believe and the people to whom you hold dear. You’ve got unparalleled discipline, and when you’re in, you’re all in. Also you look pretty hot in that uniform, soldier.
6. Sales: You’re a smooth talker, which works on a lot of us, but you’re probably full of bullshit a good chunk of the time. You’re driven by dollars but will insist that you like that you “get to work with people” because you’re really just such a people person. Lies
7. Investment Banker: You’re up at the crack of dawn to get to work merging and acquiring, so we can kiss goodbye to morning sex. Then you labor until the wee hours of the next morning investing and divesting, so we can kiss goodbye to evening sex. You make a lot of money but seldom have the time to spend it—or have sex.
8. Bartender: You spend a lot of your work time getting hit on by beautiful women in low-lighting that’s really freaking flattering—beautiful women you’re getting drunk. They flirt with you for free drinks. You flirt with them for tips. It’s not that we don’t trust you; we just don’t trust the people around you. You see?
9. Contractor: You’re handy. You’re really, really, really, stupidly handy. Like, you could build our house one day—redo the sinful kitchen cabinets, install hardwood floors, make the microwave stop burning the popcorn, kill bugs, yank our hair from the shower drain. Which, when we’re honest with ourselves, is probably way better than deep intellectual conversation.
10. Teacher: You have an exceptional level of patience. You’re presumably good with children and will probably be one helluva DILF someday, if you’re not already. You also have lots of time in the summers to take long vacations with us.
11. Fitness Instructor: You’re incredibly irritating on social media, where you overuse hashtags and incessantly share photos of food that doesn’t look remotely appetizing. You’re quite possibly the worst person with whom to go out to eat. Getting naked around you sounds awful and self-sabotaging. But hey, nice abs, bro!
12. Doctor: Instead of diagnosing ourselves with every ailment on WebMD, we know we can just turn to you because you know everything about everything. Also you will probably make a lot of dough eventually, which doesn’t hurt.
13. Student: That’s not a job. We’ll wait till you’ve paid your debt before you start paying for dates.
14. Engineer: You’re smart. Like, really smart. You have a keen eye for detail and can almost always figure out confusing crap, so you’re good to keep around. Now can you fix my constantly crashing laptop?
15. Unemployed: You coined the term “Netflix ’n chill.” Then asked us to pay for the Netflix part. Sigh.
