Dear Salty Vixen, I've got a BIG question. When should you have sex in a new relationship, and can sex on a first date ever work out? -Need to Know
Dear Need To Know and listeners of my podcast/ and readers of this website,
That's actually two questions, but they're both very good ones. So, first things first...
When Should You Have Sex In A New Relationship?
The answer to that is unique to each person and it all depends on what level you are at in your relationship -- and what type of relationship you are interested in having. I think it's a huge mistake people are making by having sex too soon. Generally speaking, once sex takes place, expectations follow.
Today we ask more questions about a car we are buying than somebody we're going to go home and have sex with and who we may end up co-parenting with for the rest of our lives. It is frightening when you look at it like that, and we don't think about that in the heat of the moment. This, to say nothing of potentially contracting a disease.
On the emotional side, women typically seek to gain love and affection through sex, but most men can have sex without love. Like it or not, once you have sex the relationship takes on a new shape, you add a significant new dimension. You are without question, no longer just friends.
If you don't share a sexual relationship with someone, and you get to know them and find that you are really not interested in a long-term relationship, getting out is much simpler and much less uncomfortable. No one feels used or under obligation, and people are generally less hurt if they haven't had sex.
Having sex without getting to know someone is like taking a job without having any idea what your pay or duties will be. You get hired, show up, and then start to ask those important questions. And many times you won't like the answers, and will get frustrated that you took the job without enough information up front. Once you have sex, you are in a relationship – in one form or another. Period.
What does a man think when you have sex with him right away?
Probably two contradictory things… First, his ego will be telling him that you really, really like him and maybe even love him. At the very same time, he’ll be thinking that you sleep with everybody on the first date and that he's nothing special at all.
That's why you should resist sleeping with a guy right away -- it just brings up too many issues. For instance, thinking that you really, really like him can simultaneously flatter his ego and scare him away -- because you like him too much, too soon.
Can sex on a first date ever work out?
If sex is really great at the beginning of a relationship, then it can be compelling enough for people to hang in and perhaps develop a deep caring long term relationship. But if the sex is mediocre, there is not enough juice to sustain the relationship without the deep level of caring.
On the other hand, if you have been together long enough for love, caring and emotional intimacy to have developed, then the relationship can progress toward good (or even great) sex even if it wasn’t so great at the beginning. And, there is a MUCH better chance for great sex when it is an expression of love than when it is more casual.
The bottom line is, if you have sex on the first date (or before there’s a deep connection) – you better have fantastic sex the first time or they’re unlikely to stick around. For many, mediocre sex combined with not having that deep emotional connection means that you’re not the right person… and they’ll move on to someone else.
XOXO,
