For those entering the blowjob ring in anticipation of my next post, “How to Give a Blowjob,” please find the appropriate level most suited to your taste and repeat the following mantras.
A special note to beginners: keep repeating until you can actually look the penis in the eye and not run away screaming.
Beginners:*
- The penis is not icky.
- The penis is my friend.
- It likes me very very much.
- I will look the penis in the eye.
- I will not run away screaming.
- I WILL LOOK THE PENIS IN THE EYE.
Intermediate:*
- It is not a penis. It is a dick.
- The dick is my homeboy.
- A dick is not icky. Not nearly as bad as it was at first glance. Or fifty.
- I’m down with dick. We’re cool.
- I like to make the dick jump with joy when it sees me.
- I can get on that.
Advanced:**
- It is not a dick. It is a cock.
- The cock is kinda hot. Really hot.
- I respect the cock.
- The cock is my bitch.
- I know how to make it happy.
- And it sure does know how to make me happy.
- Ooooh yeah, mama wants me some of that.
Sex Goddess:**
- I need cock.
- I crave cock.
- GIVE ME COCK NOW.
- INEEDCOCKINMYMOUTHRIGHTNOW.
Every Guy’s Fantasy Woman:***
- “Hey sweetie, why don’t I get you a cold beer while you put on the game, and during the next commercial break I’ll give you a blowjob. Sound good?”
*only say these inside your head. Quietly. Inside your head.
**these are hot enough to say aloud.
***this usually leads to a drunken proposal. Not that I know. Twice.
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