Where Are You in the Blowjob Ring?

For those entering the blowjob ring in anticipation of my next post, “How to Give a Blowjob,” please find the appropriate level most suited to your taste and repeat the following mantras.

A special note to beginners: keep repeating until you can actually look the penis in the eye and not run away screaming.

Beginners:*

• The penis is not icky.
• The penis is my friend.
• It likes me very very much.
• I will look the penis in the eye.
• I will not run away screaming.
• I WILL LOOK THE PENIS IN THE EYE.

Intermediate:*

• It is not a penis. It is a dick.
• The dick is my homeboy.
• A dick is not icky. Not nearly as bad as it was at first glance. Or fifty.
• I’m down with dick. We’re cool.
• I like to make the dick jump with joy when it sees me.
• I can get on that.

Advanced:**

• It is not a dick. It is a cock.
• The cock is kinda hot. Really hot.
• I respect the cock.
• The cock is my bitch.
• I know how to make it happy.
• And it sure does know how to make me happy.
• Ooooh yeah, mama wants me some of that.

Sex Goddess:**

• I need cock.
• I crave cock.
• GIVE ME COCK NOW.
• INEEDCOCKINMYMOUTHRIGHTNOW.

Every Guy’s Fantasy Woman:***

• “Hey sweetie, why don’t I get you a cold beer while you put on the game, and during the next commercial break I’ll give you a blowjob. Sound good?”

*only say these inside your head. Quietly. Inside your head.
**these are hot enough to say aloud.
***this usually leads to a drunken proposal. Not that I know. Twice.