[While writing the “How to Give a Blowjob” post tonight, it keeps taking so many turns that I have to slice out parts and give them their own post. Like I did here, and like I’m doing with this one right now.]
How am I supposed to explain how to give good head if so many people are concerned about a much great obstacle than jaw control? Apparently there are many women out there who think the penis is icky, ugly, gross, etc., and by association so are blowjobs. Which means we need to back up a little more before diving into the good stuff.
Now I don’t want anyone to think I’m saying YOU MUST GIVE BLOWJOBS BECAUSE IT IS YOUR DUTY AS A MODERN WOMAN. Nuh uh. Some people just don’t like them, and have honestly tried enough times to qualify as a fair effort. This post is meant to target those who are new to oral sex, scared of oral sex, scared of the penis, or generally squeamish around all things that jump unexpectedly.
Okey dokey back to blowjobs. I can kinda see why someone would think they’re gross. Although I am apparently the dirty dirty woman who loves to give blowjobs (and you should therefore avoid reading anything on this site because YOUR EYEBALLS ARE ALREADY BURNING IN HELL FOR THE DIRTINESS YOU HATH BROUGHT UPON YOUR FORMERLY UNTAINTED SOUL), I will do my best to play devil’s advocate here. Let’s examine some of the common complaints and concerns:
- There is so much hair. Yes, an excellent point. But more and more guys are trimming or even completely shaving that area, so there’s a much lower frequency of pubic flossing than there was five years ago. I have found that it’s fairly easy to talk a guy into trimming if you do yourself already. And if he does it once he’ll see how huuuge his dick looks without all the hair. (The most master-minded of optical illusions.)
- It’s so funny looking. Eh well yeah. But they’re ALL funny-lookin’ so get over it. We women are just as funny-lookin’ down there. We have folds and ins and outs and stuff. Golly gee whiz holy moly it’s amazing any of us ever look at each other naked. Oh, right. Hormones or pheromones or some shit. And then there’s the occasional weirdo like me who likes looking at hairy ugly funny-lookin’ things that are waving at me. What?? They’re fun to play with.
- I don’t like to see guys naked. Um, there may be a much bigger problem at work here. One is that you’re just not very sexual at all, and I fancy you don’t much like seeing yourself naked either, or you should wait a few more days until I write the post called “How to Eat Pussy.” Just sayin’. Either way, both matters are way bigger than my little blog.
- Blowjobs are degrading. No they’re not. Sweetie, you’re the one who’s got him by the balls, I think it’s obvious who’s in charge here.
- But I’m a feminist. CUT THAT SHIT OUT. I’m a feminist too. There are scary man-hating feminists and there are happy normal everyday feminists like your sister, your mother, your coworkers, the chick who makes your double tall extra foam latte, and nearly every other normal woman out there who thinks that men and women should have equal rights and equal say. Which includes equal time between each other’s legs.
- It tastes gross. Ok, I’ll give you that, sometimes it does. Yech, especially if he’s been drinking a lot of beer or anything sour. But taste of cum is easy to control. Have him eat anything sweet a couple hours before getting it on: fruit, fruit juice, maple syrup, etc. Although it’s easiest if you just swallow him whole and the cum goes straight down your throat, thereby avoiding all taste bud zones.
- I don’t like swallowing. That’s ok, many don’t. You don’t have to swallow (although that’s half the hotness factor right there, for both of you) and most guys don’t expect it. They appreciate the hell out of it, but don’t expect it. But if you don’t like swallowing because of the taste, see my suggestion above. If you don’t like it because it gets messy, that means you don’t have enough of it in your mouth because when you do it all goes straight back. If you simply don’t like swallowing, you can still get him to the Almost point and then finish him off manually, just make sure you give him sexy eyes while you’re doing it. You don’t want him seeing you r disgust at the thought of his cum. That will make any guy lose his hard-on.
- I don’t anything out of it. First of all, it’s not about you. It’s about him. It’s a really fucking cool feeling to be the reason for someone else’s orgasm, especially if you were actively making him orgasm. It’s all the better if you don’t make the other person feel obligated to do something for you in return for your “selflessness.” (This DOES NOT MEAN it’s ok to make him go down on you but never give him a blowjob, or vice versa. That is mean, hypocritical, and generally bad sex-iquette. Shame on you.)
- He’s uncircumcised! It’s weird! Again, get over yourself. A penis is a penis, whether or not it has a turtleneck. As long as the penis gets the job done, mm’kay? I’ve been with plenty of foreigners and seen plenty of uncircumcised dicks and it’s really no big deal. Most guys will give you a quick run-down of how to hold it properly so you don’t stretch the skin out too much. In all honestly I didn’t notice half the time until afterwards when it was down to normal size and I was like hey lookie there! cool!
I hope this has been helpful to the scared and the squeamish out there. Please leave comments if you think I have left anything out that should be here. Come back tomorrow for a How To, assuming some of you have gotten past the Why Should I. (Note: the better you are at it the more fun it is for both of you.)
