One of the most frequent complaints men have about their partners is that they wish their women would initiate sex more often, or at least that they would be more responsive to their sexual overtures. The reason for this common discrepancy is that male sexual desire is more robust and spontaneous, while female sexual desire is more variable and responsive to the environment.
When it comes to sex, men are mostly genitally focused, whereas for women, sex is a full mind and body experience. In the words of Jerry Seinfeld: "The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen, and women are like fire. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what [they're] doing [they] can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur."
Because women are more concerned with intimacy and passion than orgasm, many women would rather cuddle than have a mediocre sexual experience. For women to want sex it has to be sex worth having.
Therefore, to sexually motivate your girl, you have to work on making sex exciting for her so that she considers it a priority over running errands or getting an extra hour of sleep. Here are some of the ways to do it:
1. Improve the ambiance
Women are a lot more distractible than men. We have difficulty tuning out loud noises like your barking dog or blaring TV lights, or ignoring the noxious smells of rotten food emanating from your messy kitchen. Yes, that means turning off the television, dimming the lights, feeding your dog, turning up your thermostat, taking out the trash, and changing the dirty sheets! (If the thought of having to do all this depresses your sex drive, hire a maid service).
Then, set the mood at "sexual heat": put on her favorite music, prepare her favorite drink, light some scented candles, and spray some fragrant air freshener in your bedroom and bathroom It may sound "wussy" to go to such trouble to seduce a woman who is already attracted or committed to you, but women turn on to such stimuli, both on an unconscious level through their senses and in consciously thinking, "He cares." That thought alone will get her in the mood for sex.
2. Prolong the foreplay
The old clich is true: women love foreplay! Foreplay does not mean immediately grabbing her clitoris. Real foreplay means starting out as far from her genitals as possible -- holding her face, stroking her hair, kissing her temples, gazing into her eyes, or rubbing her neck and shoulders. Learn some massage techniques and gently try a few on her head, neck and shoulders.Â
Work your way southward very slowly. Try using just the very light touch of your fingertips called pattes d'araignee (the English translation "spider legs" somehow conjures up the wrong image). Now that I mentioned it, for many women, using any French words in a romantic way is itself a form of foreplay. So, mon amour, get in touch with your inner linguist when you are en tete-a-tete with her!
3. Be more sensual in your caresses
A majority of women prefer soft, tender touches and strokes all over their body until they get fully aroused. Sex therapists call this type of touch "non-demand touch" or "pleasure-focused outercourse." Don't just grab her breasts or butt. Instead, let your hands slowly reach those goals with long, gentle caresses. When she is fully aroused and dripping with desire, she may love the rougher play; but reserve that Neanderthal brute in you for the actual intercourse.
If your hands are rough due to your occupation, sports or a day of working on your car, try massaging her with a sensual glove from MinkGlove.com. If you are just not the touchy-feely type of guy, invite her to slow dance to a romantic instrumental playing on your stereo, or take a shower or bath together and wash her body from neck to toes with some sensual scented soaps and other bath products.
4. Be a great kisser
To be an expert kisser, start gently and work up to more passion in gradual stages. Begin by barely brushing your lips against hers, and then touch her lips with the tip of your tongue. Relax and open your lips as you deepen the kiss, but avoid drooling, slobbering or heavy vacuum sucking.
If you are worried about bad breath, be sure to brush your tongue as well as your teeth, especially if you have been drinking coffee or smoking. If you can't brush, chew on a lemon peel or a mint, or pop a self-dissolving oral care strip (made by Listerine) into your mouth before beginning. You can also try a Menthol Kiss by applying lip balm with menthol or mint such as Carmex and gently rubbing your lips against your partner's to share the tingle. Try keeping eye contact by not closing your eyes while you kiss. For many women, this deepens the connection and supercharges their sex drive.
5. Use verbal reinforcement
In our society, which idolizes perpetual youth and often sets unrealistic beauty standards, many women feel insecure about their looks and self-conscious about their naked bodies. When a woman feels insecure, she is unlikely to be in the mood for sex. To increase her sexual responsiveness, tell her between kisses and as you touch her body that you find her beautiful and sexy, that she turns you on, and that you want to enjoy every part of her body before making love to her.
Pay her some specific compliments -- tell her you love her warm smile, or her soft skin, or the shape, size and feel of her breasts, or her silky hair, or her melodic voice. And don't wait for sexual moments to trot out such verbal reinforcements. The more often you can convince her that you find her desirable and attractive, the more often she will desire sex.
6. Consume woman-friendly erotica together
Contrary to what many men believe, women do like such stimuli, but their tastes in erotica are somewhat different. Many women prefer aural to visual erotica. Try reading a sexy short story together, such as Any Story on our Loverotica Section  provides many examples of the kind of erotica that women love. Pick one where the "action" suits your desires too, and read it to her. Or listen to "Bedtime Stories with Salty Vixen" (new Audio Erotica Story written and narrated every Friday at 8PM EST)
When it comes to visual erotica, women prefer materials that have a plot or storyline, and that emphasize passion and connection between the protagonists. That means leaving your favorite anal orgy on sites such as RedTube for your private autoerotic sessions. Instead, watch a hot R-rated film, such as 91/2 Weeks, or watch an X-rated video with a storyline such as Debbie Does Dallas- hey have the right mix of plot and love-making to turn on some real feminine heat and a bit of comedy included.
7. Explore her fantasies
Ask her to tell you her fantasies or to email them to you. Encourage her to describe them in detail, like the stories in on our Loverotica Section- I write erotica daily for you, the reader! That is how Salty Vixen started, with erotica, I wrote my fantasies and published them. 7 years later, and being successful- I now have this site! The intimacy that such a confession produces will be sexually arousing for her. But be prepared for the unexpected. If she discloses that the thought of being with another woman (or Brad Pitt) turns her on, don't get flustered or insecure.
Instead, exploit it to your advantage. While you are kissing and caressing her, spin a storyline that matches her fantasy. Whisper it in her ear and let her chime in with her own details -- which you can use to direct your lips and hands. If her mind equates your touch with her deepest fantasies, she will start getting wet at your first caress.
8. Encourage her sexual mindfulness
Many women do not get aroused because their mind drifts off instead of focusing on the eroticism of the moment. To direct her thoughts away from that shopping list and to keep her "mindful," bring her in front of the mirror and tell her to watch what you are going to do to her. Verbally describing each act of foreplay before you do it is also a way of keeping her mind on the heat of the moment. Start by kissing her neck and shoulders as you rub your hands on her clothed body.
Then, slowly remove her panties but leave the rest of her clothes on. Lift her blouse or dress and gently touch her nipples as you rub her bottom. Sit her on a chair in front of the mirror and order her to touch her vulva. You can even ask her to rub some genital warming oil like Zestra on her vaginal lips while you watch. Direct her hands as you ask her to perform a self-arousal. Or get her to describe her sensations with each move you make. Soon, she will be begging you to make love to her!
9. Try role playing
Pretend you are a Penthouse photographer and invite her to pose for you, or a pizza delivery guy who has a secret crush on her, or a policemen arresting her as she is about to get out of her car (that is, unless you are one -- then you probably have to pretend you are someone else!). This is another variant of exploring her fantasies (and yours).
One great way to indulge in what is likely a mutual fantasy is to ask her to play a stripper or a call girl with you as her patron. If she enjoys performing for you, you can even make your own adult video and replay it together in the future (for a step-by-step instruction, get Petra Joy's Make your own adult video manual). You would be surprised at how many women fantasize about being in such erotic roles -- only social strictures prevent them from admitting it.
In our society, which silently endorses and promotes the "virgin/whore" dichotomy, giving her permission to act out her "whorish" fantasies or ordering her to "be bad" might just bring out that slut that you have been yearning to have in your bedroom.
10. Try mild bondage and/or discipline
Many women secretly yearn to sexually surrender to a powerful male, one who will take control and will absolve them from the responsibility of achieving an orgasm. Why do you think "bodice-ripping" romance novels are so popular among women? For these women, the thought giving up responsibility for their sexual satisfaction is a powerful turn-on.
Prepare her by telling her what you will do to her tonight (you can leave her a note or a voice message or send her an e-mail). Demand that she prepare for it by wearing your favorite "slave" outfit and making herself beautiful. When the time comes, order her to get down on her knees and submit to her "master."
Remember: The object of the dominant/submissive game is not humiliation or pain; it is to bring her to climax, and possibly more than once! Salty Vixen Stories & More - read ABC's of BDSM
BEWARE OF THE TIME OF MONTH
However, when using any of these techniques, it is important to be mindful of her hormones. As her hormones fluctuate throughout her menstrual cycle, so does her sexual desire. Generally, a woman is horniest right before and during her ovulation, which is usually in the middle of her menstrual cycle (days 12 to 15 of the average 28-day cycle). This is the time to schedule a hot date or plan a romantic getaway.
A majority of women are not in the mood for sex right before their period, especially if they suffer from PMS, but some women feel a surge in their desire during their menstruation. Unfortunately, many hormonally based birth control methods reduce female desire (such as DepoProvera injections, which may cause vaginal dryness and discomfort).
If your woman does not respond to the above, she may have hormonal deficiencies, a history of trauma or abuse, or other physical, psychological or relational issues. She may benefit from seeing a psychologist or sex therapist. Or, sadly, it may mean you need a new sexual partner!
