1. Accept Conflict
Everyone argues. Barrow warns that couples who think they can avoid disagreements are acting childishly. The difference between a couple with a solid relationship and one that is on a rocky road is how they deal with conflict. There’s always one spouse who wants to resolve every issue immediately. But Barrow suggests not doing that because it’s unfair to the other partner. Instead, you should give your spouse time to process your position, share his or her position, and then “let it cook,” says Barrow. She advises letting it cook for as long as possible while maintaining a positive attitude on your relationship. Eventually, she says, a compromise will emerge.
2. Go Slow and Steady
Give yourselves time to get used to being married. Barrow says it may take a year before you are settled into your new life. “It’s rocky that first year,” she says. “Any fights that you’re having are probably the same ones you’ll have when you’re 75 years old, and you’re not going to solve them that first year.” That’s okay. Sometimes, you have to simply agree to disagree. Do not get frustrated if you're still finding your way on your first anniversary.
3. Embrace Your Differences
Often people are attracted to one another for the things they have in common. Their differences cause conflict. But Barrow says they do more than that. The differences you have bring excitement, interest, and can serve as an introduction to new adventures and experiences for your partner, she adds. In other words, you would have a pretty boring relationship without them. Quit wearing the same kinds of clothes and trying to act like your partner. Instead, embrace and pursue your unique self and share that person with your spouse, and have him or her do the same.
4. Build Trust
More important than intimacy, trust is a necessity to developing an everlasting bond, says Barrow. Building trust is simpler than you might think. “Mean what you say and do what you promise,” says Barrow. “Don’t let yourself be dominated into making a promise you don’t intend to keep.” In other words, if you know you never want to live in a certain state, don’t tell your spouse you’ll eventually move there. If you say you’re going to be at home by 10 p.m., be home by 10 p.m. It’s that simple.
5. Brace Yourself for a Lack of Romance
The bad news: Passion dies. The good news: It makes a comeback. The truth is that relationships are not all roses and champagne all the time. No one can maintain that kind of rush. When you pile on stress, responsibilities, poor eating habits, and the tediousness of everyday life, you will not be as wild in bed as you once were, says Barrow. “Lots of times in our society, it’s all about the climax,” she says. “Pay more attention to the journey and less to the ultimate result or finish line.” Weather the storm, make time for one another, and let nature take its course. Eventually, you’ll land in each other’s arms again.
6. Show Kindness to Your In-Laws
Your spouse can not trade in his or her parents, and criticizing them will only cause hurt feelings. Barrow suggests letting your in-laws spend as much time as they want with your spouse, even if you don’t always join them. You don’t have to love your in-laws, but you have to tolerate them. Barrow says that it helps to try to see the situation through their eyes. “Some parents have a broken heart when their children grow up and go away,” she says. “It’s not all about you. The motivation is probably love.” Have a little compassion and give your in-laws a break.
7. Be Realistic
Recognizing the natural ebb and flow of a relationship will serve you well. “Some days you wake up passionately in love, and some days you wake up mad at the world,” says Barrow. Realize your relationship is not doomed just because you have a negative attitude one day. It just means that you are human. Move on and wait for the next day, when you wake up in love -- and make the most of it.
11. Rushing into having children
Some couples don’t give themselves enough time to be married to each other. If you can wait to have children, you should consider it because you’ll never have this time alone again. Once children arrive, they will have to be the focus of your attention. Your heart certainly has room for children and a spouse, but you should spoil one another while you can.
12. Going into debt
Starting off your marriage with bills you can’t afford is a terrible beginning. It’s an additional strain on your relationship that you can't afford. If you are already in debt, make a plan for getting rid of it. Stay on budget, get your finances in order, and you’ll probably fight less. If nothing else, you’ll sleep better at night.
13. Having unrealistic expectations about marriage
If you think marriage is always a walk in the park, you have another thing coming. There will be hard times. It takes a while to get the hang of living with this other person and making the relationship work. Don’t think that the problems you had before you walked down the aisle are simply going to disappear because you’re married. They won’t. Some problems never will go away. It’s how you deal with them that counts.
14. Letting resentment build
Never let things fester. If something is really bothering you, say so. If you find you’re the only one doing things around the house and that upsets you, don’t do it anymore. The worst thing you can do is allow resentment for your spouse to build inside you. It tears apart your love.
15. Being insensitive to your spouse’s feelings
We’re all different. We all react differently to various situations. In time, you will learn to anticipate some of your spouse’s reactions. Don’t make light of them. Don’t judge them. Simply accept them and do what you can to comfort your spouse in the way that he or she needs to be comforted.
16. Making decisions without consulting your spouse
There are two people in your relationship. When you were single you might have made decisions about where to go after work, what vacations to take, how to spend your money, without discussing it with anyone. Now, however, your decisions have an impact on your spouse, too. He or she has a right to have input in these decisions.
17. Being intolerant of your spouse’s quirks or differences
When you marry someone, you are accepting him or her warts and all. It’s not fair – nor is it worth the time and energy – to get angry about things like your spouse’s slight lisp or his Republican leanings.
18. Not giving each other enough space
Everyone needs time for themselves. Find a quiet place or do something you love all on your own. Give your spouse the chance to do the same.
19. Taking your partner for granted
Remembering all the reasons you love your spouse and appreciating the little things he or she does for you and your family takes some work. But it’s an integral part of building a strong marriage. Once you start to forget or simply expect your spouse to do certain things for you, he or she may feel unappreciated and you could start having problems.
20. Abandoning your sex life
Marriage does not have to mean the end to good sex. It is part of your job as married people to maintain your sexual health, keep things interesting, and make sure you and your spouse are satisfied. When problems do arise, you should address them and do what you can to improve the situation.
