I have been writing articles about the narcissist I once dated (to talk about the trauma I had been though) I still am recovering from the trauma I experienced; his wrath, his hot and cold behavior towards me. How I felt small around him. I looked up to him and yet I still care about him. I always wish him best. With that said, I have a theory that he is a covert narcissist. Why? I am not going to talk about dating him because, as you will read in this article, recovery feels like going into witness protection. Nobody will listen to me nor believe me about anything. I am shaking as I write this but, there are so many people out there like me who have been in these situations and this is why the article needs to be written. I am NO longer weak! I am strong! I am beautiful! and yet, I get scared when I say that - this is part of the Narcissist PTSD I have experienced.
One thing I want to talk about is the day of the wrath many years ago (his anger explosion) and his friends said "that was harsh, man. You should apologize to her" He said "I have nothing to apologize to her. I hate her" (he literally had tears swelling up in his eyes when he said that). For years that bothered me . Why did it bother me? Because I wondered why did he hate me? What did I do wrong to be treated like this? It is my fault. I screwed up. (I have a photographic memory) Except none of it was my fault but me being an empath, that is what we do. We hide in the sand instead of communicating why we are hurt- all because we are scared!
I got very weak when I was around him. I was tongue-tied, could only say "hello"Â and nothing more because I was nervous and scared. Nervous because I was highly attracted to him and scared because I didn't think he liked me back and I was annoying him with simple hello. Then there were other times we would have long conversations- even got an awesome hug out of it! He hated when I cried and would beg me to stop. I would stop. He would stick up for me one day and the next day treat me like I was nothing. Yet, I still and will always care about him. That is how it is. I am an Empath. Even when the 'situation' happened many years later, he somehow made it like it was my fault and once again I was apologizing for caring. It wasn't my fault! I wasn't in the wrong! He fucking was! There is a lot I could write that I never forgot because of trauma -I will keep it all quiet as I am terrified of him finding out. Having wrath three time in my life is enough. I-I-I can't go through it again. I have to continue to remind myself I am amazing! I am beautiful! I am strong.
I was a Vixen in a lot of salty situations as My PEN NAME comes from ENGLAND when I was sexually assaulted 18 June 2004- I talk about this on my videos and in my "About the Founder" part of my site. When shit happens, I go to my happy place, the polo club that was a like a 2nd home. I think about the kind people who treated me kind- and that is the Salty Vixen character that was created. Because of the polo mates. Because- I feel safe when I think about polo in England.
With that said about the wrath, I did have that conversation with him, he finally apologized to me. He never once knew how I felt. I couldn't speak up to him and when I did, my wrath was years in the making. I don't think he listened to me; or listened to my feelings- but as a result of my wrath, he finally got me to find my voice. That , I will be forever thankful :).
I know his friends tried to get him to apologize to me. I wondered how often did his friends stick to me? How often his own friends told him what he is doing/saying is wrong? He had good friends. Very kind friends.
So if he is a covert narcissist, this is what I learned - signs for you all.
The The covert narcissist’s ability to move undetected through the world makes them extremely dangerous.
Picture yourself walking down a city street after a performance on a Friday night. A young person, dressed in all black, wearing a ski mask, approaches you and steals your bag. You feel scared, angry, and grateful for being unharmed all at once.
You go home, call your friends, call your mom, share your experience. You feel warmth, love, and understanding. You feel supported.
You can consciously choose differently in the future to reduce your risk of recurrence – walking with a group of people, taking an Uber to the door, being very aware of your surroundings, carrying a whistle, etc.
Now picture yourself walking with a group of friends on a crowded street in daylight. Your bag is stolen right off your arm, yet the thief is invisible. You didn’t see or feel anyone, yet your bag is gone.
Your friends didn’t see anything either, yet they surrounded you.
- They didn’t see anything, so they don’t believe your bag could have been stolen.
- They try to convince you you must have left it at home.
- You grow more and more confused.
- Your bag was there a minute ago-- you pulled out your lip balm at the last stop light, you pulled your wallet out at the coffee shop, you remember it sitting on your lap as you slid over to make room on a bench.
- Yet everyone says that can’t be true.
- How can 10 friends you love and trust be wrong?
- You go home and call your mom and 10 more friends to share what happened? What are the odds they believe you?
- You feel more confused.
In this situation, what can you do differently to prevent a recurrence? How do you prevent the theft of your bag by an invisible thief who is able to move in and out of your space without anyone noticing?
The young person with the ski mask is the overt narcissist.
The invisible, undetectable thief is the covert narcissist.
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist,
- Your self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence deteriorate as you are devalued again and again.
- You become confused.
- You learn to trust the narcissist’s memories more than your own.
- You learn to stop setting boundaries that are regularly violated.
- You lose your sense of self.
When the narcissist is overt, you see the abuse. You notice the putdowns, the sabotage, the betrayals. You can consciously choose to change your situation. (my ex husband is an overt narcissist)
When the narcissist is covert, you’re being beaten down figuratively by the invisible, undetectable thief. You grow more and more miserable, more and more exhausted, more and more confused – yet you believe something is wrong with you – and so does the rest of the world. (the 'narcissist' I dated, I am certain is a covert)
When you decide to leave an overt narcissist, the response is often unanimously positive from family and friends.
- I always hated that guy.
- I never liked the way she treated you.
- He is so full of himself.
- She never deserved you.
When you decide to leave a covert narcissist, the response is unanimously negative from family and friends.
- What? Why? He’s so nice.
- Oh my gosh! She’s such a catch.
- Are you sure? Seriously?
- It doesn’t really sound that bad. Are you sure you want to break up your family?
- It sounds like you’re too sensitive.
- You see the worst in people. Maybe you should see a therapist.
The victim of a covert narcissist not only loses that relationship, but they also lose themselves and most if not all of their friends and family in the process. They struggle to heal and recover from the most heinous abuse alone.
They get hit with false accusations in lawsuits, restraining orders, and online bullying to try to keep them weak, under the covert narcissist’s power and control. They get smeared publicly by the narcissist and by their own family and friends.
They realize that no one shares their memories. Everyone else holds a memory seen through the lens that the covert narcissist created.
It’s almost as if their previous 30, 40, 50, 60, or more years didn’t happen. There is no remembering what a great time you had on that camping trip with your friends. Their memory has been distorted.
Recovery feels like going into witness protection. It requires leaving nearly every relationship you thought you had behind. For many, it requires starting over in a new city or state, starting a new job, and finding new friends.
Yes, covert narcissists are devastatingly dangerous.
