Let's face it; there are a lot of relationship theories out there. One trend that seems to pop up frequently is the belief that there is a vast difference between men and women. Let's all pretend we believe this for a moment… If this theory is true then it would be similar to trying to communicate with someone from another country with a unique language and culture. You might find this difficult, but you would have to find a way to communicate if you were to cohabitate or spend frequent time with them.
In theory this sounds rather workable. It's not so difficult to consider that men and women are completely different beings raised with different viewpoints, communication styles and thought patterns. In practice though you will find that each person defies being molded or put into a group. Sure, there are some common traits that may seem attributable to an entire group, but one universal truth still remains. What might seem like a truth or fact for you may not in fact be true for another person. Think about that thought for a moment. Just because you find something that works for you, it doesn't mean it will work for someone else. So, in respect for individuality and freedom of expression, we need to take this theory a step further in order to actually find a method of decoding and classifying our mate or future mate's behavior.
Instead of considering men and women as two unique groups with their own cultural habits and traits, consider each person as their own unique group. Every person has their own story, their own habits and their own way of thinking. There are countless factors that could have contributed to the way a person acts or feels. The goal of being in a relationship is taking the time to discover what those factors are for the specific person you are with.
When you are in a relationship or just starting one, it's vitally important to remember that in many situations your partner may not be thinking the same thoughts as you. They may not handle situations in the same way. Everything from holidays to the way you eat could be different. Guess what? THAT'S OKAY! Being different doesn't compromise the potential of the relationship. It's the inability to find common ground and develop a real interest in understanding each other that's the real source of trouble.
Now, instead of trying to find blanket rules that fit every man and woman, we can break it down to something more workable; finding the rules for your one particular love interest. Sound more comfortable? Let's break it down even further.
When you are a business person trying to sell something, the first thing you need to do is some form of market research to determine who would buy your product and why. This same practice can easily and quite effectively be adapted and applied to your love life. The first thing you need to do when starting a relationship is get a deeper understanding of who your partner actually is. (Note: This can be done at any stage in a relationship.) What made them the way they are? What are their greatest moments or greatest failures? How have these events made them the person they are today? Is there any family history or drama that could contribute to the way they handle a situation? Are there ethnical or cultural differences to be aware of?
If you and your partner have the friendship aspect of your relationship down pat, these types of questions should be easy to address. If not, this type of communication with each other will help put down roots for a stronger future relationship.
To begin your quest of discovery you'll want to try things that help you both understand exactly what you mean when you say or do something. Remember, your partner may react differently for different reasons. Just because a previous partner may have reacted a certain way, it doesn't mean this one will. Just because a previous partner did something, it doesn't mean this one will. You'll save yourself a lot of grief, upset and misunderstanding if you can approach each relationship as a new discovery.
Here are a few ways you can increase your ability to effectively understand and communicate with your partner.
Communication Journal aka Couples Blog
Get a journal, or find a free private online blog. About once a week you should both write a letter to each other giving the details about your work week, any memorable events that happened or things you are excited or anxious about. This gives busy couples a chance to feel like they are tuning in to their partner without having the pressure of making time for a face-to-face sit down.
Your Partner's History 101
This idea is especially great when you and your partner are from different backgrounds or were raised with vast differences. Every month try to learn or share something about each of your cultures or traditions. You can do this in a variety of ways from just spending an evening with your partner's parents or relatives, trying a particular cuisine, recreating a family tradition or reading a book together.
Ask First, React Later
My husband and I are from two different countries. In addition to that, my husband is from a different ethnic group than the country he is from. In the beginning of our relationship this difference in culture and history resulted in a number of disagreements and misunderstandings. Had we realized at the time these differences were the source of the problems, I think we could have avoided them completely. I also feel this "difference" exists in every relationship regardless of how similar your backgrounds may be.
The first few years of a marriage are considered a "learning" time. Why is that? Each person has their own history relevant to their past experiences and the way they were brought up. When you find yourself confused about the way your partner has reacted or by the way they are going about something, ask about it first…BEFORE having a reaction. Many times when they get a chance to explain what they were thinking you will realize that their behavior was perfectly normal considering their viewpoint. If you react first and ask questions later you lose the opportunity to really get to know your partner's inner workings and you may not learn the solution to avoiding the problem in the future.
