Dear Salty Vixen,
I don’t know if I would classify myself as bi. I don’t really know what my sexuality is. I am only 22 years old and have been in a serious relationship for the past three years. I knew I was attracted to girls before I met my current boyfriend. I’ve been lucky in the sense that I can talk to my man openly about my bisexual feelings and he understands. His only rule is that he be allowed to participate.
The only problem is I don’t want him to be there when I have my first experience with a girl. A lot of it is my own insecurity and the other part is I want to experience my first time without an audience.
A year ago, I set out to find a girl to explore my curiosity with and - unbelievably - met someone through facebook dating app and we really hit it off. When we finally met in person, I couldn’t believe my luck! Not only was she beautiful, we had so much in common, and there was never an awkward silence between the two of us. We knew right away that we could be great friends.
Towards the end of the date, things got very physical. Needless to say, there was a lot of alcohol involved and we weren’t very careful about what we were doing. We were hooking up in her car outside of my apartment and my boyfriend caught us in the act - naked and everything.
Before I continue, you should know that my boyfriend is a very stereotypical Latin man who is jealous, possessive, immature, but also loving and passionate, and he worships the ground I walk on. He was very hurt that I went out with a girl behind his back and it took a long time and a lot of apologizing to get him to forgive me. In the end, he told me that I could no longer see this girl or even talk to her. He even went as far as calling her and telling her to stay away from me. Of course, she got freaked out and we decided to cool it.
It’s been a year and I have not been able to forget her. The whole incident was devastating to me. Ever since then it’s been hard for me go out without my boyfriend without being grilled about the night extensively when I get home.
A lot of time has passed and my desire to be with a woman is overwhelming. I am constantly asking myself if I even want to be with a man at all. When we’re having sex I find myself fantasizing about being with a woman and that’s how I get off! I’ve tried to convince him to let me have a special “friend” on the side but he’s afraid I will leave him for her, so the same first rule applies: only if he’s involved. And I’m still not comfortable with that.
In a few weeks, I will be moving out of our apartment and I am hoping to use that new freedom to explore what it’s like to really be with a woman. I don’t know that it’s fair to stay in a relationship with him knowing that what I really want is a woman’s touch. However - and I know this sounds selfish - I am afraid to break up with him only to realize I can’t find a decent girl.
Can you give me some advice? Also, do you think what I’m doing is wrong?
xoxox
CAUGHT CHEATING IN THE CAR
Dear Darling Caught Cheating,
It’s not often that I feel sorry for the jealous possessive boyfriend, but your letter has made it happen. It is also very rare that a "Dear Salty Vixen" Letter makes me wonder if all of those negative stereotypes about bisexuals may just be true and accurate. Sweet girl, I know you are young, and I am so glad you wrote to me because you may never be a happy bisexual girl unless you make some changes in your behavior.
FIVE NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES ABOUT BISEXUALS THAT YOUR LETTER IS REINFORCING:
1. BISEXUALS ARE CONFUSED
It is fine to be unsure if the labels bi, straight or gay are right for you. However, if you are calling yourself “curious” (and therefore, implying you are bisexual) when you are behaving badly (i.e., lying and cheating on your man) you are teaching him and your lover that bisexuals are liars and cheaters. Stop reinforcing the negative stereotypes we are trying to dismantle and get honest and open in your sexual behavior. There is no need to lie or cheat but you have to be strong to be ethical and honest. Know that the enemy is not your partner wanting to be involved - it is you for not being able to stick to the terms of your relationship!
2. BISEXUALS CANNOT COMMIT
Even though you know that your man is jealous and the two of you have agreed that you will not do anything with a girl “unless he is involved”, you still lie to him. You are not brave enough to break off the relationship to explore your “curiosity” on your own. Instead, you go behind his back on the Internet searching for girls, and even go on a date with a girl and get naked right in front of the apartment you share, and are still mad at him when he can no longer trust you. Do you see how you are reinforcing the negative stereotype that bisexuals cannot be trusted?
3. BISEXUALS THINK BEING WITH A GIRL BEHIND THEIR MAN’S BACK IS NOT CHEATING
Lesbians have a right to be angry and/or suspicious when bisexual woman come on to them in bars because of “curious” girls like you, darling reader. Bi-women who are in serious relationships with men often believe that their man has no right to be jealous when they are with girls because “they wouldn’t leave him for a girl.” Many sincere, kind, sexy lesbians have been toyed around with lying curious-and-not-sure-if-they-are-bi girls who are cheating on men. I am sure your perfect girlfriend was “freaked out” when you’re man called her to tell her to stay away from you - but she was not just freaked out by him. She learned that you were lying to him and to her, and what girl would want to date someone like that? No wonder some lesbians want nothing to do with bi-girls; they have been burned by behavior similar to yours.
4. BI-GIRLS SHOULDN’T HAVE TO INCLUDE THEIR PRIMARY PARTNER
Darling girl, many bi-curious girls say that they want their first time with a girl NOT to involve their partner for two reasons: (1) it is much easier to hook up with a girl when no man is involved, and (2) they do not trust their man enough to share the experience with him. But here, again, is why this type of behavior reinforces negative stereotypes about bisexuals. First, it demonstrates that you do not want to enjoy a lover to DEEPEN your connection with your primary relationship.
Second, if your man does not approve of you being alone with a girl for the first time, then anything behind his back is cheating. Just because she is a girl and you think you will not fall in love with her does not make it fair to lie and cheat. What you need to be working on is your relationship with your man. If he will not let you have lovers on the side and you will not include him, then you need to get a therapist and start couples therapy immediately. Or, it may be time to end the relationship because it is obvious you do not respect his needs or his feelings. Don’t reinforce the stereotype that bisexuals cannot have healthy long-term relationships; just get honest.
5. BISEXUALS WANT THEIR CAKE AND TO EAT IT, TOO
According to your letter, you have already had a “first time” with a girl in a car but you now want a second “first time” without your man’s involvement even though you KNOW it will hurt him terribly. In order to do this, you are going to move out of the apartment you share so you will have “easier access” to girls. Well, this is fine except for the fact that you are STILL planning on lying to him because you do not want to end the relationship out of fear of being alone. Darling, this reinforces the stereotype that bisexuals are selfish and only care about their own sexual desires and pleasures. By lying to your man, you are also setting up relationships with women that are based on lies. You WON’T find a healthy relationship with a woman until you are ready to date in an honest and respectful manner.
Darling Reader, there are so many amazing bisexual woman who are honest with themselves, their partners and their lovers. Their lives become happy and drama-free just by being ethical and responsible to the people they love. Be the Bi-Girl You Want to Meet and get honest. It just makes life better and easier.
XOXO,
