I like to talk dirty during sex. That’s why sex is fun, jackass. You don’t have to act like a lady like every other hour of the goddamn day. ( Salty Vixen, my brand/pen name, is all about erotica (and yes I know not many people like Erotica or sex talk- that is fine. If you don't like it, then don't read/listen to it and move on!) - Let loose with the occasional “I love your big hard cock.” If you’ve already got your hand down a guy’s pants I think that means you can stop pretending you’re a good girl. That means it’s time for you to talk dirrty:
Come on. Unleash your inner dirty whore.
Okay, I know a lot of the things I’m going to tell you to say will sound lame. Of course they sound lame here. The hotness comes when you’re naked and you’re whispering these things in his ear. Short sentences and short words are good. No babbling. No “love-making” or “vagina” crap allowed. This post is for beginners, so keep in mind it barely touches on “talking dirty like a porn star.” I don’t want to scare anybody off with rim-job talk.
A quick note: I’m writing this post for the female readers because they ask me about it much more often than guys do, but most of what I’m saying works well for guys too. Just don’t forget to change out the body parts where appropriate. I once told a boyfriend “I love having your pussy inside my big cock.” –blushes– Shit, I can’t believe he didn’t stop fucking me right there. If I were him I would have, after I stopped pointing and laughing that is.
If the instructions here require a tittily bit too much thinking, you can scroll down to the end where I’ve written out a cheat-sheet of dirty phrases, no assembly required.
Introduction
If this is your first time talking dirty, then it may be easier if you ease yourself into it. You also have to keep in mind that the guy you’re with may not be used to the dirty whore sex we are so fond of here in the Freak corner of the blogosphere. I’ve encountered several guys who dropped their mouths and said “I didn’t know girls talked like that.” YEAH WE DO BABE, NOW LIE DOWN AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN.
Test the waters
I’ve met guys who flipped out when I said something as innocent as “you make me so wet.” Most of the time it is just the initial shock that girls aren’t always all lady-like and shit. Sometimes it makes a guy really uncomfortable. As much as I want to say it’s okay, everyone is unique, what I really mean is why bother? NEXT. But then again I’m no Nice Girl, so others may be more understanding about an awkward silence after telling a guy “you’re so hot I want to fuck you all night long.” I’m not. I expect my dirty words to be lapped up like my pussy juice should be. Assuming your first attempts at dirty talk are met with a smile and not a door slam, then continue saying these things as things progress.
What should I say?
Whatever you damn well please. It’s sex. There is no need for “please” or “would you mind terribly…?” It’s SEX. Here are guidelines for what to say:
- what you want to do to him
- what you are doing to him right now
- what you are going to do to him next
- what you want him to do to you
This is sex. That means you should use sex terminology. Lick suck fuck. Pussy, cunt. Dick, cock. You’re a big girl. Use big girl words. If these don’t flow off your tongue as easily as the wetness flows between your thighs, just give them a chance. After one night of talking dirty I promise you’ll never be able to keep your lips closed around “I’m going to ride you so hard you’ll be begging me to stop.”
What you should NOT say
Words you would come across in a romance novel, gynecology exam, or dirty Mad Libs (coming soon) answer. These include: penis, vagina, Miss No-No, Mr. Happy, junior, love handle, saucy sausage, spicy tuna handroll, kitty button, or love muffin. Don’t believe me? Fine. You tell me how much it would turn you on to hear the following sentence whispered in your ear: I’m going to pound my spicy tuna handroll deep inside your love box. Duuuude. That’s so sexy it’s sex-ay with a capital XXX.
What EXACTLY should I say?
Simple is fine. No one expects you to be a fucking poet when you’ve got multiple orgasms on the mind. Follow this basic formula: I want to [verb] your [body part]. For example, I want to… suck your fingers/ lick your dick [points for rhyming!]/ ride your cock. To mix it up so it’s not completely obvious that your taking one from Column A and one from Column B, you can change the beginning part based on the guidelines above of what you want/am/will do to him, or throw in the occasional adjective.
Here is a catalogue of words that you can use to form a thousand combinations of sexy following the simple formula of I [verb] to [verb] your [adjective][body part]:
verb 1: want to, love, would love to, can’t wait to, have been fantasizing about, beg you to let me
verb 2: lick, finger, rub, grind against, suck, fuck, ride, mount, pound, bite, kiss, tease, slap, spank
adjective (male): hard, rock-hard, big, huge, long, thick, throbbing, strong, HARD
adjective (female): wet, hot, smooth, sexy, round, hard, soft, sweet, WET
body part (male): dick, cock, balls, tongue, mouth, lips, neck, fingers, hand, stomach, bicep, back, thighs
body part (female): tits, pussy, cunt, clit, hips, ass, tongue, lips, neck, fingers, hand, stomach, back, thighs
A few examples using the above formula: I want to rub your rock-hard cock. I love fingering your wet pussy. I can’t wait to grind against your sexy hips. I’m begging you to let me suck your big throbbing dick. Mix and match as appropriate until your mouth is busy being inappropriate.
There is also the approach of instructions cleverly-disguised as dirty talk, i.e. “now put your finger on my clit,” “suck my tits,” “I want you to bite me harder.” Or the command-talk can be a hot lead-in to light S&M (”lie down so I can do whatever the fuck I want to you”), but that’s another post and I’ve already been writing this for hours.
Note: there was no mention of feet in the above formula. I am fine with a finger up my ass, but I will never again suck on a guy’s sweaty big toe because it is WEIRD. Ew ew ew ew ewwwwwwWWWWW. –scrapes retroactive toe cooties off tongue–
Don’t sound like a sex robot
For fuckssake, say it because you mean it. Don’t say “I love licking your balls” if you don’t. Enthusiasm is half of what makes dirty talk hot. The eyes and body should be following whatever your mouth is saying. Otherwise it’s obvious you’re saying these things because you think you should be, not because you want to.
If there is nothing else you take away from my blog, please understand that one of the many reasons sex is so awesome is because it’s one of the few places in life you can indulge in all the things you want to do. Okay, assuming you have a partner who’s a decent match. Sex is supposed to be fun, damnit. Not a chore.
The dirty talk doesn’t need to be a running commentary of every single thing that happens. That’s annoying and it’s like you’re reciting dialogue from porn. As far as intervals between each time you say something… that’s something you have to judge on your own. Depending on the guy/heat/action/situation it may be good to say something nasty every fifteen seconds, thirty seconds, or five minutes. It’s not something you should keep track of, just do whatever goes with the flow. Your call. Hey jackass, I already gave you a FORMULA for composing dirty phrases, you can figure out the timing thing on your own.
If you can’t remember anything else I’ve said: Quote sexy songs
…still got the freak in me. I’m a slave for you. Loosen up my buttons baby. I’m bossy… oh lemme slow it down so ya can catch the flow. Give it up and let me have my way. I wanna give you a taste of the sugar below my waist. And of course: I want to fuck you like an animal. Classic, orgasmic, never fails to induce a moan.
A cheat sheet of things you can say to help you feel inspired to come up with your own special bits of nasty-nasty:
I can’t wait to ride you
I’m going to fuck you so hard you’ll think you died
How am I supposed to suck you off if you still have all your clothes on?
You bring out the freak in me
I want you to cum on my tits
You’re so fucking hot
I thought about you when I got off earlier today
I love getting nasty with you
You know how to make me feel so good
That cock feels so good inside me
What are you waiting for
I’ve been waiting for this all day
You like reverse cowgirl? I do.
I’m going to blow your mind
Get down between my legs NOW
Give me some of that big cock
Bend me over
Bite me
Bite me harder
I said BITE ME HARDER
I’m going to ride you all night long
I’m not done, babe
Put your fingers in my pussy
I think about you every time I masturbate
I’m going to show you how good you make me feel
You make me want to do things I’ve never done before
Okay that list was like twice as long as I intended. Forgive me. If I’m not getting laid, I at least want to do what I can to help OTHER people get laid. Ahem, Karma. You owe me an entire fleet of Navy Seals by now. You think I’m kidding? That’s what it’s going to take to satisfy this Salty Vixen, sweetie. Now CASH OUT.
