Dear Salty Vixen, I need some advice. There is a girl that’s been very flirtatious with me at my job. I see her all the time and I finally got the nerve to really talk to her. She is definitely someone that I would want to include in my sexual life, but I think she got weirded-out when I told her I was married.
However, we talked for a good while and she told me that she was 22. I am 21. So I looked at her facebook page and it says that she is 20 years old. I’m wondering, why would she lie? And even though I already spoke to her, I still get really nervous around her. How do I get over that? She’s very friendly still but I just don’t know how to invite her to go out… Does this make sense?
Thank you so much! Take care and have a peaceful day! Love, M.
Dearest M,
Darling, when I lived in Brazil in another life, the Brazilian women were shocked that I didn’t lie about my age. “I’m only 18. Why would I lie about my age now to appear younger,” I asked. “In America, when you are under 21, you pretend to be older so you can get into clubs and bars.”
“Sure,” a Brazilian friend of mine said. “But if you start telling people you are 19 now, when you turn 30, everyone will think you are 27!”
WHY DO GIRLS LIE ABOUT THEIR AGE?
Our culture encourages women to lie about their age for two reasons: (1) to appear younger to seem more attractive or (2) to appear older to have access to adult life (i.e., cigarettes, alcohol, bars and clubs). In the case of your attractive coworker, my guess is that she is lying to you to seem “cooler” and “more mature”. She may not want you to know that she cannot legally go to bars. Whatever the reason, saying she is two years older than her real age is not a big deal. If she were a minor and was lying about her age, that would be a problem. It is never a good idea to get yourself caught up in a potential statutory rape situation.
IS IT A GOOD IDEA TO DATE A COWORKER?
If she is still friendly and flirtatious after you have shared your marital status, you should go ahead and ask her out. But before you do, make sure you think about the consequences of dating a coworker. Certainly your other coworkers know that you are married, and may be shocked if anything were to get out about an office love affair with a female colleague. Plus, if it ends badly, you may experience a lot of tension in the office, especially if you work directly with her.
However, sometimes work is the only place we have to meet someone special. If this is the case, and you think she is worth potential unhappiness in the work environment, I say go for it. Just be discreet and careful.
HOW DO YOU GET BEYOND YOUR NERVES AND ASK A GIRL OUT?
Many girls get nervous before they ask a girl out. Sometimes, it is because they are not sure if the girl is bisexual and they don’t want to freak her out if she isn’t. So, a good way to find out if she is indeed bi or bi-curious, is to let her know you are bisexual.
If you are too shy to tell her you are bi, you may want to drop some hints that you are into girls. For example, if you are a fan of the L-Word (or you love hating it), you might want to ask if she watches, too. If she does, she may just be open to dating girls. Does she listen to Ani DiFranco? Maybe she’s a fan of the Suicide Girls or the television show, Big Love? Drop some sapphic favorites and see if she really is a bi-girl like you.
One bisexual girl in Texas was working in a sandwich shop when two cute girls came in. They flirted and talked, and when the girls were about to leave, she handed them both a piece of paper with her facebook page and her e-mail address. Later, one of the girls e-mailed her back, delighted to let her know that she was bi, too.
AN AFTER WORK DRINK ISN’T A DATE & CAN BE LOTS OF FUN
Another easy way to ask her out is to start small and ask her if she’d like to get an after work drink. (If she is only 20, you may want to suggest going out for tea.) Lots of coworkers go for a drink after work and it will give you a chance to see what your dynamic is like outside of the office. And, let’s face it, it’s much easier to flirt with a girl when you have a drink or two!
But no matter what, trust your instincts. If you feel like she is flirting with you, don’t worry about it - enjoy the attention. Make sure to give her plenty of warmth and kindness in return. Be yourself and know that she already enjoys who you are.
XOXOXOXOXOXO,
