Dear Salty Vixen,
I’m Bi myself. I made my fantasy a reality about a year ago. Now, I am in love with a girl and I am also married to a man. I find myself really confused about just how honest I should be with my husband. I know that the only way he would ever be “okay” with it is if he is involved. I don’t think I could do that. I wish I could find an easy answer. My husband is a pilot and he is out of town all the time. I think I would go crazy without my girlfriend. The problem is that I’m not always ready to “jump into bed” with him when he gets home.
In fact, I find myself less and less sexually attracted to him. SOOOOO confusing, because I have been married to him for 12 years and I always saw myself growing old with him. My girlfriend is also Bi, but she said she would live a lesbian life with me. I can’t honestly tell you what the hell I want. I envy the fact that your proud of yourself. I wish I could figure all this out. I know there is no easy answer. –Married & Confused
Dear Married & Confused,
Some bisexual girls believe they are not cheating on their man if they have a secret affair with a girl. I have heard girls justify cheating in many ways. One friend said, “I won’t leave him for a woman, so he has nothing to worry about.” Another rolled her eyes at me and said, “Of course any experimentation with a girl would be behind his back! He’s way too conservative and would freak if he found out I was into girls.” I had one girl friend say, “But he’d want to join in and that would disrupt the goddess energy I am seeking!”
Lonely, searching, wondering bigirls…. I know some of you are seeking new physical, sensational and emotional pleasures with the opposite sex and are currently in relationships with men. But let this letter be a warning to you that love affairs with women can end just as messily as love affairs with men. Our married and confused example believed that having a girlfriend would simplify her life–while her man was out working, she could play with her girlfriend. But then fate intervened and disrupted her simple plan and she fell in love.
To think that being bisexual means that you can have a love relationship with one gender and a “strictly” sexual relationship with the other gender is naive and sexist. An affair with a woman can lead to love, which can ultimately lead to divorce, and even a new life in a bigirl-bigirl relationship. If you have children, it is especially important that you realize that cheating with a woman is just as much of a threat to your family as cheating with a man.
Married bigirls and bigirls in relationships can have girlfriends without their man’s participation, but ONLY if their men know about it and approve of it. Salty Vixen is dedicated to ethical, healthy, and honest relating, and I will never condone lying or cheating in relationships. If you are too afraid to be honest with your man about your desires, you may need couples’ therapy, individual therapy, or a new relationship. Cheating is a sign of other problems within the primary relationship and will not solve anything in the long term.
1. ASK YOUR PARTNER IF IT’S CHEATING
If you catch yourself justifying lying or doing things behind your partner’s back, take a moment to ask yourself, “Would my partner call this cheating?” If the answer is yes, you are. End of story.
2. IF YOU ARE HAVING SEX BEHIND YOUR PARTNER’S BACK,
THE RELATIONSHIP NEEDS SERIOUS HELP
Be good to yourself and get some therapy. If you are truly bi, treat your primary relationship with respect until you can find a way to be the bigirl you want to be in the relationship. If you cannot, it is time to get professional help or take steps to leave the relationship.
3. TREAT YOUR PARTNER THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED
In the end, the energy we put out into the universe comes back to us. If you are acting in love and truth, your partner will treat you the same. Don’t bring hurt, insecurity and extra drama into your life unnecessarily. Understand your partner and help your partner to grow, so your partner can understand you and help you to be the person you want to be.
4. MARRIED GIRLS CAN HAVE HEALTHY, EQUITABLE, HONEST “AFFAIRS” WITH GIRLS
The difference between men and women is that some men really enjoy “good jealousy”. Some men enjoy their partners having flings with other girls, or even other men, because it makes them feel the need to “reclaim” their woman sexually. A known affair can really turn your man on and make him devour you like never before. But the only way to discover if this can work for your relationship, is to talk to your man about it.
Honesty, even through difficult conversations, will bring you and your partner closer together. And that’s what it’s all about in the end, isn’t it?
XOXOXOXOXOXO,
