Outside Influences

This weekend was one of those rare occasions that I actually had time to sit down, chill and not do anything. I took time for myself. It was nice. I didn’t have to deal with my ex Husband or my kids wanting me to do something or driving my kids to their sports activities. It was a nice moment and got me into deep thought. in fact, I thought about a podcast topic, Social Media and Mental Health (will be on my podcast soon and when it is done, I will delete this sentence and provide the link) and also talking about Outside influences in friendships and relationships. 

One of the most common causes of disharmony in relationship or  the so-called “friend” plants doubts into one or both of the partners’ mind(s) about the other that cause arguments and upsets between the couple.

This is actually a tactic that has been used in warfare and politics since the dawn of time. One person or group will fund both sides of a war, then sit back while they weaken or destroy each other. Germany did that with Russia by funding the first Russian revolution and Russia’s defense at the same time. Then they weakened the Russian economy while they trained and educated Stalin to create a second revolution. The goal was to create so much confusion that the German troops would be able to march right in. Fortunately, they failed but there are many other examples throughout history that did not.

The point is that when there is an outside influence causing problems in a relationship, they will continue to create conflicts until they destroy the relationship or until they are found out. The types of things they do vary with each person. It could be about anything, not just infidelity. For example, they might plant doubts in the male partner’s mind about being “tied down” or “under her thumb.” They may also plant thoughts about whether you made the right choice. Friends don’t always listen to you; they can part-listen-to-you meaning “yes I am listening but now I am going to cut you off in what you are saying, that person isn’t good for you ; or just get over the breakup”

Several years ago, I was in a pickle. I was seeing a guy virtually, sort of. It was what ended up being an Emotional Affair. Yes, I was the other woman- digitally. I am not proud of it, in fact, I didn’t know I was the other woman! When I found out, I put a stop to it asap! He didn’t call it an emotional affair, and said “If I am not touching physically, then it isn’t cheating” – He also told me to never speak about the situation and for years, off and on, it was eating me up. I did talk to some friends about it and in a nutshell they said “get over it”. That is when I began writing Erotica, writing was therapy for me (and it still is!). In one story, I played with the situation and turned tables, giving I, Salty Vixen, the power to speak up about it. Although the character was someone made up – and it was a BDSM kind of story.

Sadly, with the digital age, emotional affairs happen too often -and it is wrong! That dude, put me in a pickle that I never. ever. want to be put in again. I would have been smarter about it – except I was also going through my abusive marriage. Yep. a Double Whammy, which made me depressed and I had nobody to talk to about it – my friends weren’t really listening to me. One friend told me to continue the emotional affair! I was like , what the heck>> Um. no. I am not doing that! Folks, if you are not happy in your relationship, TALK TO YOUR PARTNER, see a couples therapist. do NOT go on dating apps/sites or social media and message people asking for photos for a one-hand job – and if you don’t think it is cheating, it is! Because the other person is seeing your naked body that is supposed to be for YOUR PARTNER!

One point of note that has to be made here is that the “outside influence” does not always have to be a person you both know personally. For example, I saw a news broadcast the other day about “How to know if your partner is cheating on you?” It could also be a magazine or a book that you are reading where the author puts forth a viewpoint that causes you to have doubts about your partner.

So, if you find yourself in a conflict with your partner that just does not seem to resolve, no matter what you do, then sit down and make a list of everyone who has made any comments to either of you about your relationship. Make sure to include everything you can remember that has caused you to have doubts or harbor resentment. You will usually find one name or other source that sticks out above the rest and that is more than likely the cause of your problems. Once you recognize that that is what’s been happening… no more conflicts.