I used to wonder what I would be like as an older person. I was afraid to grow older. I’m happy to say that what I imagined has not come to pass. I’m actually rather pleasant, to my surprise. I used to hold grudges on things that now I look back at, as silly. Just like Britney Spears, who wrote "The Woman in Me", she was reflecting about the trauma she had in her past and how she grew from it.
A lesson the be learned for all of us. In life, we go through stages and in those stages, trauma, that comes in many forms, happens. Some learn to get over it quickly but most, we are taught, at least 40+ years of age, taught , 'shit happens, learn from it and move on'. Prince Harry is an example, when he wrote "Spare". I knew Prince Harry personally from 2004 (I was a non playing member at various polo clubs in England), 2013-2016 (I was a Patron for Sentebale). I know writing the book helped him heal because in his case and case of Britney Spears and other celebrities, media, and toxic people around them, can cause a lot of mental health problems.
But what about non celebrities? You know, the normal people like you and I. There are choices, put the past behind you and move on, or talk about the trauma that happened to you years later. Let the emotion open up to get that trauama out in the open so you can personally move on- that is what I did. I opened up about being bullied, the worst was in 1994, in 8th grade. I nearly ended my life as a result but it took one person to hug me and tell me life is beautiful to stop me from that. Although bullying continued, I grew from that.
I was sexually assaulted in England- 18 June 2004 at 10:45 PM at a polo field during the annual polo ball. The person I will never say publicly as I healed from that and forgave him. I was abused by my now ex husband and 7 years later I healed and then the happiest moment that grew me from all of that shit, I was hurt the most and forgave that person as that person always meant a lot to me. I remember the positive things. the happy things. Where I was treated like a Lady, but when the relationship ended and I moved on and took the hurt and turned it into smiles. That is all one can do. I was never angry. Hurt? Yes but that is just emotions.
This is why Salty Vixen was created. Took Vixen in Salty Situations and made it Salty Vixen i.e. turned negative into positive and that is what Salty Vixen is defined as.
The older I get the more obvious it becomes to me how much I’ve changed. Sometimes I wonder if those who’ve known me for a while can see it too.
I believe that we are different people at different stages of our lives. We carry around the same basic ’shell’, that’s true, but even that changes. I look at myself in the mirror and there is almost nothing recognizable left of that 20 or 30 year old young woman that I used to be. And on the inside, I have definitely become a very different person.
I remember what it felt like when I was that age; the things that I stressed out about, my hopes, dreams, plans, and fears - I can easily bring back those particular feelings. But I am so far removed from that young person that it feels like memories from someone else. Everything has changed. I’ve acquired some interesting characteristics.
I think I finally understand what wisdom means. I can actually see myself having some of it. I’m always surprised when I say something that has my experience of years behind it. Could this be wisdom speaking? Patience, something I used to think I would never have, has visited me at last; sometimes it leaves me, but it always comes back. I never knew patience as a younger person. How did I become someone who has the capacity to wait? And I no longer have to have it all, and right now; sometimes, I notice that I don’t even want it.
My capacity for love, and the way I love, has changed. I was always one who enjoyed giving love. But before, I was more inclined to save that emotion for my own little world - those in my family, my friends and pets, etc. Now, I’m much more apt to feel love spontaneously. It sneaks up on me sometimes, and I get it mixed up with gratitude. I think of the people in my life and that feeling overtakes me; I encounter strangers and feel a universal kind of connectedness - love - for them. Where did that come from?
I used to wonder what I would be like as an older person. I was afraid to grow older. I’m happy to say that what I imagined has not come to pass. I’m actually rather pleasant, to my surprise. And I’m neither too thin nor too heavy. I wear what I want now, because I care a little less what others think. I’m far more confident than I ever imagined I could be (I think this is the result of just being able to stay alive this long - you’re bound to develop some amount of personal ease if you keep at it long enough!). The anger and resentments that I used to feel are gone. Not even traces are left; in their place, there is joy, and a unique kind of pleasure waking up every day. I appreciate my life more.
I finally understand why people volunteer. I’ve done it myself. I’m at that age, you know.
